happy new year

Happy New Year. I spent it at home by myself eating bruschetta, watching Office Space, reading Playing For Pizza, watching new years in Toronto, and now watching When Harry Met Sally.
Here's a bunch of random shit that you probably didn't even care to know about me:

When I sleep with another person, I hate being touched or cuddled while I fall asleep.
I cannot do simple math in my head or on paper. I find it quite impossible.
The longest I was ever in love with someone was four years.
(THIS JUST IN: Ellen Degeneres is a Cover Girl! My life is complete and I can die happy.)
I want a body wave perm, so bad, but I'm absolutely terrified that I won't know how to deal with it.
I love makeup absolutely and completely but I never wear very much.
Meeting new people is a lot of fun for me but if I'm not in the right mood it can go disastrously.
Stories of old people who have been married or in love for forever make me smile and absolutely warm my heart.
I check to make sure my mail has gone down after I close the slot.
I've never been on the phone for more than two hours.
I snore. Almost ALL THE TIME.
I don't eat any red meat and at the end of January I am cutting chicken out of my diet.
And the biggest random fact that is mattering to me right now? You.

last day of the year

feel.

think i was blind before i met you

(All I do every once in a while is think of you and what could have been.)



I wish I could write more. I wish I could write something that doesn't sound absolutely stupid, juvenile, and naive. I wish I could come straight out and tell you what I feel, what I think, what I want. I bet you don't even think of me. I bet you never think of me. But I miss the way you looked at me, the way you touched me, the way your room was our world and we were all that mattered in it.
It tears me up every time I think about you or hear about you or go by your street. I'm miles away but I can still see your house, your face, your hands. You smoking your cigarettes in the way that you do that I can only describe as "your way".
And then again, I'm beginning to forget how your voice sounds. I can see your mouth move; I remember that perfectly. But the words that come out are silent. Your eyes never fade; they're always close by in my mind with their long curling lashes and beautiful fresh blue irises.
And I wonder if you're reading this now, knowing it's you, knowing exactly how I feel. I wonder if you're missing me, loving me, wishing I was there but you're too scared to say something.
In two months, it will have been a year that I've known you. It will be a year since I first felt something for you. In three months, it will have been a year that I let you in and began loving you. And the world will continue to spin in the same way it always does. The snow will melt, the birds will return, the flowers will bloom, and we'll still be miles apart.
Please give me words, strength, integrity to forget you, to move on, to fall asleep without you in my head. Tell me something. Tell me anything. I'm content with this going either way. I've come to accept you and me for whatever it is we are.
But I still wonder what it was that we could have become.

It's naive of me to think that I can have friends.

hey there

I haven't been updating lately. I feel bad about that, but I've been so unbelievably busy.
I got my final marks two days ago and I have a 77 GPA. Hooray.
I haven't really been home since I've been off. I went to a party in Toronto with Jeremy on Sunday, a party at my place in Guelph on Monday, and then went out with BRANNDS (minus a few letters) on Tuesday. Between those days I've been sleeping like crazy. I haven't had much time to just stop and think because every time I try to "stop and think", I fall asleep. I'm exhausted.
Christmas was quite lovely. I got dishes for Guelph and Up! and money. When I was in Toronto with Jer, I bought a bunch of stuff from American Apparel, all of which I love.
I still need to buy more Daisy and some makeup, probably from MAC. And that will be my Christmas.

To be quite honest, I'm glad this semester is done. I'm glad it's almost a new year. I'm glad I saw my girls, I'm glad I went to Toronto, I'm glad my family got along on Christmas and I'm glad I'm not wasting the rest of my year on you.

the rain

I don't know how long I've been here.
The days all run together.
You're gone, but you won't disappear.
Traces of you will last forever.
It feels like, if I hold my breath you'll walk in any second,
And tell me it was all a mistake, can't believe that you left.
And it haunts me to hold you this close,
But it hurts more to let go.
That's why I'm still loving ghosts.
They say I should get on with my life,
But I can't even get up.
I'd rather believe in this beautiful lie
Than admit you're really gone forever.
Every sense is screaming.
Every hair stands on my skin.
Every room I feel it.
You are here.
Baby, I'm not seeing, but I'm still believing.
My heartbreak, a chance worth taking.
So on this floor I'll still be waiting.
And oh, I feel you this close now.
I'm still loving ghosts now.





Take a walk with me, love
You say you can't get enough
Well, you won't till you open your door and you give some more to me.
And the silence in your steps as you tiptoe round the rest.
Makes me want to pull you in and kiss you, my friend, and your silly games.
And I'm not tired.
I could chase you around and then meet you here again and again
So, tell me lies if you want to, I can take it, I wont be afraid.
'Cause I am the rain.
The rain is gentle some days.
It can clean off the mess that winter made.
The rain can wash all the years down and the tears that were shed.
So just look up please.
Shed a little bit of hope to me, oh.
And we know there's a season for all, and a season to call you my love.
And throw me off with your pride, it's okay.
I won't hide here again and again.
I'll tell you there's no mistaking the reason that I'm not afraid.
'Cause I am the rain.
The rain, it washes clean, and I know.
The rain, it washes clean and when it does, I will be right beside you, holding on, holding on.
The rain, it washes clean and and I know.
The rain, it washes clean and when it does, I will be right beside you, holding on, holding on.

ethos

Okay, so I'm not the prettiest girl.
My legs aren't long.
My nose is too big.
My jaw is too small.
My cheekbones aren't high.
My skin isn't clear.
My hands are huge.
My arms are long.
My hips are wide.
My hair is a shitty, indescribable colour.

And I'm trying to accept it.
I'm trying to be happy with what I have.
And just because you're skinny, tall, and perfect doesn't make you any better than me.

Because at the end of the day, what do you have?
Absolutely nothing.
And I have great people in my life.
I don't need anything else (especially drugs) to make my life better.
I pity you because no matter how great you look, you're not going anywhere.

vehemence

You said this city has a beating heart.

You will always leave my life only to come back into it at the most inopportune moments.





And I've gone this whole time without writing about it here, but just for the record, I can't believe you lied to us, your friends, about something that big and important.
But you know what? That's all I'm going to allow myself to write about it. Because you're not worth the words, the breath, the effort. I hope you have a great time with no good people in your life and your fat stomach.

sunrise

Sooo cloooseeeeeeeee.
Please be 2:30 so I can write this wretched exam and get the class over and done with so I never have to worry about Exekias, Andokides, Polykleitos, Praxiteles, and Lysippos EVER AGAIN.



Oh, and not failing would always be a sweet cherry on top too.

Thanks.

citadel of stars

Do you like midnight dancing soaked in fireflies, laced with moonlight, hidden in the night?
Hidden in the night, we are...
This blanket is all we have, all we'll ever need.
You ask about the future, I say this is where I want to be.
This is where I want to be

And until now, I've never touched an angel.
Until now, everything was fine.
And until now, I felt so ordinary.
Until now, I never knew that someone felt like me.
It didn't even feel like me.

I'm in the mood for searching.
I'm in the mood for candlelight.
I'd like to know your thoughts on things like God and all the rest of life.
How do you know?
Cause no one's pretty on the phone.
And no one likes to be home.
Thought I left my old self go.

And until now, I've never touched an angel.
Until now, everything was fine.
And until now, I felt so ordinary.
Until now, I never knew that someone felt like...me.

And we're miles from ordinary
Where bright lights can steal our stars
Hold me tight and sip your coffee
Then see lights dance with uncertainty




It's alright to be frightened, a little.

hey bob

don't worry
be happy.

scratch that

Had a huge breakdown on the phone with mom.
Going home this weekend.
Kill me (please?).

dfoighdsofh

I can't do this anymoreee.
Please kill me, or Greek art and architecture will.
Fuck fuckity fuck fuck.

To be fair, both exams so far have been fairly easy.
I'm staying in Guelph this weekend and it will be the first time I've stayed for two weekends in a row.
I'm terrified.

I just printed 30 pages of Greek art history in bright blue ink.

Win.




I'm a neurotic mess.




Also, Givenchy.

owls are quiet, and wise

Seventeen hours of studying with the Art Tarts.
One exam out of five down.

What I've learned:
The people I go to university with are the greatest people I know.
And Fabio would be the sexiest apostle.

Medieval art history knowledge is swirling around my head.
Please kill me.
I want to vomit.

get a grip. people hate sissies.

This is bigger than you or I.

We had a lovely day today. We played at the park and skipped stones and named ducks.
You nodded knowingly. I told you everything. I spilled my soul, as hard as that was to do.
It was a long talk.
It was a long time.
I still don't know what I can give you. But I hope this is enough.

I am currently on exam lockdown.
I also have to get Christmas presents.
We have a Christmas tree at the house at school.
It's lovely.

I feel homesick.
Homesick for love.
Homesick for family.
Homesick for a home that doesn't exist anymore.

But for some reason it feels kind of okay this time.

I need to make time to shower.

please don't go

Please don't go.
Please stay.




I miss you more than I miss myself.




Don't leave.




I miss you already.

(you're on my mind.)

there's pain where she ought to be. Its feeding the other pain, the thing that makes me wash and count and all that. So her absence is stopping me from going to find her.

need you like water in my lungs.

Last night was emotional in both the very best and very worst ways possible.

"The funeral keeps both of us apart."
(Yes, it did. It still does.)

I saw Brand New and was absolutely blown away. They played so well, including Jude Law And A Semester Abroad and Seventy Times 7, Daisy, You Won't Know, Jesus (!), At The Bottom, Sink, Gasoline, You Stole, Bought A Bride, Limousine, Mix Tape, and Play Crack The Sky. I think there might have been more. They played for over an hour and just gave it all they had. Jesse even said he was so thankful that we were all there, which is interesting since he is quite honestly the most bitter guy ever, hah. I swear, he is the only person in a band who is able to absolutely hate his fans and have his fans still love him devotedly. I don't think he really hates his fans, he's just a silly boy.
Anyway, Crime In Stereo opened for them and were alright, but quite disorganized. Glassjaw was lovely minus being completely squished into every other person around me to the point of not being able to breathe.
But Brand New. I couldn't believe my senses. I was so excited, so happy, feeling so many more emotions than I have in a very, very long time. Just incredible.

The bad part was, you were there.
You were there and you just looked at me.
And I don't know what I would have said to you if you had said something to me.
"I have nothing to say to you."
"I still love you."
"I don't know what else to say."
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I've realized that I've never gone a day without loving you, without thinking of you.
And I was proud of myself because as I went past your street, I didn't think about you.
Seeing you seeing me, I wondered what it was exactly that you were looking at.
I dare you to tell me.
I dare you to approach me.
I dare you.
Man up.
Say something.

I don't think I'll ever feel this way again.

I cried the entire way through Play Crack The Sky.
I cried for you. For me. For beauty and love and truth and freedom.
But most of all, it was for all that I've lost.
And all that I've found.

don't fuck with the truck

Greatest night ever last night. Well. Potentially. Tonight may beat it, seeing Brand New and all.
Anyway, I went to Eleanor's, we watched the OC, went to the Casbah super early and no one was there, so we went to Tim Horton's for legit two hours. When we got back to the Casbah it was getting more and more full which was rad. I saw Marissa! I haven't seen her in literally years. I miss her and her beautiful big heart.
Anyway, the Reason was fabulous! So great. I can't believe that Cubby is now playing keys/shakers/PLUS guitar. Three guitars in one band playing the same thing together?! Whaaat is that crap. Anyway, it was quite wonderful despite three guitars playing the same thing at the same time (occasionally). They played so many new songs and to be quite honest (despite what a lot of people are saying), I really, really enjoyed them. There was one that was pretty funky and I just got right into it. I'm really proud of them; they've completely developed their sound and Adam has brought back screaming on the new album apparently. I'm very excited to hear it. It comes out in March so I'm going to have to make sure I'm home for the CD release party because I'm sure there will be one.
The highlight of the night was them playing Afterparty At The Actor's Estate. They literally NEVER play that song live unless they're playing an acoustic set. Eleanor and I just literally grabbed onto each other and didn't let go. There was something about the crowd at that time; all I felt was so much love. That's what I miss about going to shows. Being right in the middle of just pure talent and love and respect and admiration and appreciation. That's how music should feel.
Afterward I bought a Monster Truck shirt (see picture, and yes, it says "Don't Fuck With The Truck", and I am going to wear it proudly) and then we bounced, drove Eleanor home, came home myself, turned my brother's light off as he had passed out with it on, and got into bed.
I'm terribly excited for tonight. I cannot believe that I am going to see Brand New. Jesse Lacey is quite possibly one of the greatest lyricists of all time.
I hope they play the Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot.
I might cry if they do.

It's where I'm going.

It's where I want to be.

the fame

It's been a month.
A whole month.
And I think we've been through more than most people go through in a year.
We've been challenged many times and yet we keep pushing through.
It seems worth it so far.

I'm having a hard time with this essay but after it's done, I only have finals.
I'm counting the days until I come home for Christmas.
I'm seeing the Reason tomorrow night and Brand New Sunday night, both with Eleanor.

I just realized how many times in a day I use the phrases "I" or "me".
It really isn't just about me.
(It's always been about you.)

Dinner tonight will be just Dad and I.
Those are my favourite dinners sometimes because we never really get any time to just us.

I don't know what else to write.
I'm excited for Brand New.

invisible monsters

I just want you to know, I won't go on without you.

Your words are echoing in my head. They're comforting. They're loving. They're kind.
I wonder if you know yet.

I only know which way to go because I found you.

I'm trying so hard to figure this out. But I don't feel at home.
Not in either of my homes.
Maybe they are simply cases that I put my things in.
A dry place to sleep.
But there is no comfort in any of these places.
I'm trying to immerse myself in your arms, to call them home.
But I'm having a hard time.
I feel content with you, with your arms around me.
I feel safer than I do when I'm alone.
But there is that lingering feeling that tells me to run.
Or slow down.
Or step back.
To do something other than what I'm doing.
What I'm doing is letting it happen.
Taking a chance.
Risking it all.
You reassure me that you're not going anywhere.
And I'm not scared of you leaving.
I'm scared of me leaving.

When you understand that what you're telling is just a story. It isn't happening anymore. When you realize the story you're telling is just words, when you can just crumble it up and throw your past in the trashcan, then we'll figure out who you're going to be.

you live and learn

Number one: I don't know what to do about you. You're still in my life, and you don't know. You have absolutely no idea, do you? I don't know if I ever felt more than just lust for you, but I feel bad for being the one to hurt you in the future. I just can't bring myself to do it right now because you're away and you're having a good time. Just hang in there. Just be happy right now. And forget me as much as you can, because I haven't been yours for a long time now. You told me not to wait, so I didn't.

Number two: I love my best friends and I am so, so sorry I didn't get to see them this weekend. I'm sorry I missed it. But maybe I didn't miss it. Maybe this is it. Please hang in there. It will be Christmas before you know it and I will see you all again, and it will be amazing.

Number three: I have great people in my life, and you're one of them, and I'm so thankful. You're a great girl. You're a wonderful friend even if I'm not maybe a priority friend in your life. You are in mine. Don't forget that because you deserve to have all the best people in your life, and I hope I can be one of those for you.

Number four: Maybe we're both just feeling "off" the past couple of days, but I hope you come back to me with your happy self again. I like every aspect of you, but when you feel this way, I just feel so unbelievably helpless. Please, remember to breathe. Stop holding your breath; exhale. It's going to be fine. I promise you. Because you've got me. And I've got you.




Let. Go.

hammers and strings... and jimmy choo

"Of course it's not true. It's only true if you believe in it whole-heartedly."
"I don't know what I believe."
"Believe in love."


I still hear you in this old piano.

(It's been so long.
Get out of my head.)




Weekend: Rebecca's birthday at Che Friday night (amazing), Toronto for Jimmy Choo with Michelle and Dylan Saturday morning (I am a university student with Jimmy Choo 4.9 inch heels. Believe it), study day today. Back in Guelph now and feeling mighty homesick.
I forgot my medication yesterday.
I just want to sleep all day.
Midterm tomorrow, then a big research paper to write.. then finals. Then done first semester.


Give me something to believe in. So write it down, I don't think that I'll close my eyes. Cause lately I'm not dreaming, so what's the point in sleeping? It's just that at night, I've got no where to hide.
To the sleepless, this is my reply: I will write you a lullaby.

i saw you smile

Despite things being beyond fucked up, crazy, and hectic, I am getting back in the swing of things and figuring myself out.

Last night I slept so well, and this morning I woke up beside you.
I woke up and felt fine.
I had class all day.
I had a great lunch with MC and Ashley.
I had a midterm that I owned at least half of.
I got out early and came home.
I wrote my English essay in under an hour.
I emailed my profs for next semester to get me into the classes.
I've figured out what to do.
I have one more midterm and one more paper.
Then it's just finals, then it's Christmas break.
And everyone is home, and everything will be great.
I can't wait to be back with my best friends.

There's so much in my head, so much in my heart.
There's so much I need to say to you.
Do you see where I am?
(I keep smiling, maybe I'm really happy this time.
But why aren't you a part of this when I was so sure of you at one point?)

Can't you see that you could have had it all.

dear jerk:

I don't even know what to say. I'm legitimately speechless. I wouldn't have cared so much if you did that privately, but screaming it out to your whole house? That's beyond just being mad at him; that's hitting me, too. I cannot describe how embarrassed, how upset, and how hurt I am.
I liked you at first, but honestly, I think you're a pretty shitty person for doing that. This isn't between you and I, this doesn't even concern me, so leave me out of it. How was I supposed to know it was "yours"?
Get the fuck over it, grow the fuck up. You have to live with him for the better part of the next year. Man up and keep this between you two, not anyone else.
I haven't been this upset in a very, very long time.

careful

You can't be too careful anymore.
When all that is waiting for you won't come any closer, you've got to reach out a little more.



I'm trying hard to reach out.
Believe me.

sing me to sleep

I am trying hard to be positive, but usually I don't have much positivity in myself at all.
These days it seems like I am giving it all away to people who seem to need it more than I do at the moment.
Which is fine, it's okay, it's great because I'm helping.
But I wonder if I'll have any left over for myself the next time I need some.



You confuse me and I'm trying to keep you out of my head, but sometimes you sneak back in my body and shake up my heart.

never lose your voice

I hate being sick. I know I've said it before. But I hate it. It drags me down so much. It also doesn't help that I need to get my courses for next semester figured out, and despite Jeremy and Michelle being the lovely friends that they are and helping me out, I'm still nervous. If I don't get into these classes, I have no clue what I'm going to do with my time. So far I have three classes chosen, none of which I even remotely am interested in taking. I think I'm just going to bring the schedule I made up into the office and tell them that those are the classes that I need and am in the process of switching my major and minor.
Yesterday was a complete write-off. I slept on and off until one in the afternoon, then got up and migrated to the couch downstairs. Alex and I sat there until 11pm watching episodes of Criminal Minds on our computers. I love us. But again, I hate being sick.
I still feel like absolute rubbish but I am up, dressed, makeuped, and fed.
It is almost time for class.
I hate eight o'clock mornings.

i can't stop wishing that i went for something more

I sincerely, one hundred and a million per cent, utterly and completely despise being sick.
I missed two classes but made it to two other ones. Then I typed up notes and revised my medieval book review.

Still to do for the rest of the semester:
English field project (November 12)
Greek research paper (November 18-25)
Nutrition midterm (November 9)
Art history #1 midterm (November 16)

Also up is Rebecca's birthday on the 12th, Che with her on the 13th, Toronto for Jimmy Choo on the 14th with Michelle, hangouts with JC on the 15th, sleepover weekend with Sabrina and Eleanor (and Rya!) on the 21st and 22nd.
Then onto finals.

I can feel myself reacting to the changes in the weather already. It's depressing me, keeping me in bed, suppressing my emotions and keeping me very numb. I don't know what to do other than keep myself relatively healthy and hope for the maximum amount of sunlight this winter.

It feels like I'm swallowing glass.

medieval art history classes make me die

"Yes! That's my favourite song!"



Oh so blog worthy.
Thank you Michelle (Brown) Cogger.

when it all just fits

You live the life you're given with the storms outside.
Some days all I do is watch the sky.

That has been on repeat in my head for the past week.
Things are good. I am sick. My weekend got fucked up, but I don't mind.
I have good people in my life.
I love my family and my friends.
I wouldn't trade this for anything else.
You brought me soup in the rain when I was feeling down.
And a paper heart letter.
And for once, I don't have to hope or wish or dream.

I've got all I need and I'm doing fine.

you should have thought twice before you let it all go

Today was a lovely day.
It was raining this morning and it reminded me of your eyes, because it was beautiful.
And I talked to people in my first class, and sat next to a new friend in my second class.
And Michelle brought me a new tea for my third class.
And then we went to the Bullring for lunch (and got a table!) and had great talks.
And then I went to my last class and sat with Leslie and we got let out early.
And then I came home and got into bed and read my book and napped.
Eric and Graeme are coming down tonight to go play at the Bullring's open mic night so I am going with them.
I'm excited!
And I'm done my Medieval art history book review.
And I have great people in my life.
And you contacted me (which was confusing but okay at the same time).
My throat hurts, but what the hell.
I'm happy.
That's all that matters.

surv. vol. 1

How do you pronounce your last name?
Like "wolf", but with a "v".

When was the last time you cried?
Err.. Sunday night.

Do you want to fix things with anybody?
I'm just letting things happen as they happen at the moment.

If you were to die today would your life be complete?
I've been a good person and I have people who love me and who I love right back, so yes.

How was your sleep last night?
Fucking awesome.

Do you know anyone with the same middle name as you?
Hmm.. I actually don't think so. Or if they do have the same one, it's not spelled the same.

Where did you sleep last night?
My bed. All alone :( I hugged a pillow.

Do you get annoyed when you see someone you don't like?
Nah, not really. Some people make me sad to see though. And some make me uncomfortable.

Do you have a best friend?
I have a couple :)

What are your plans for tomorrow?
Class from 9:30 - 3:30, probably a nap, probably more work on my Medieval art history review, and possibly collecting for my English field project.

Do you miss the way things used to be?
I miss being innocent and simple. Everything is way too complicated these days.

Do you like your hair?
Man, I never like my hair. I'm dying it again soon. Colour preferences?

Are you a patient person?
EXTREMELY. Patient. Very very very patient.

How are you currently feeling?
Like a weight has been lifted. Yay, English profs! (And showers.)

Have you ever intentionally made someone jealous?
Obviously, haha.

Do you still talk to the person you fell hardest for?
No...

Tell me about the shirt you're wearing?
I got it from this really awesome guy. His name is Marcio Novelli. Oh, and it's a shirt for his music :) <3

Are you currently frustrated with a boy/girl?
Yeah, man. And not in the way one would think.

When is the last time you were hugged?
Last night.

Do you think you'll be in a relationship in 3 years?
That's a long way off; let's live in the moment, shall we?

Honestly, what color is your underwear or boxers?
Black.

Honestly, what's on your mind?
Needing to finish reading Treasure Island... but I'm not doing that and I'm doing this instead. Also, how badly I want fucking chocolate cheese cake. Yesss.

Honestly, are you jealous of someone right now?
Not at all, for once in my life.

Honestly, do you want to see someone this very minute?
I'm actually quite content being here alone for a while. I would, however, love to see my brother and give him a hug.

Have you ever been depressed?
Who hasn't.

What is your relationship status?
:) sup.

Do you text fast?
Extremely fast, haha.

Who was the last person you cried for?
Myself. I'm coming to terms.

Is this year the best year of your life?
It's been an alright year. I'm growing up :)

Do you believe everything happens for a reason?
Yes.

what are you listening to?
The mini fridge humming.

Do you have any siblings?
My brotherface :)

If you do, are you jealous of them?
Not at the moment, haha.

Are you keeping a big secret right now?
No, not particularly. I might just be not SAYING something... but it's not really a secret.

Do you prefer to take showers at night or in the morning?
Night or afternoon.

Do you always answer your phone?
Not always, haha.

Have you ever fallen asleep in someone's arms?
Yes sir.

Do you sleep on your stomach?
Yeah.

Who do you tell everything to?
Mom, Brooke, JC, Eileen, Alex, and Rebecca.

Do you like your life?
It's pretty sweet.

Do you ever keep arguing when you know you're wrong?
I don't argue.

Do you like lightning?
It's pretty. In the summer, my dad and I sat out back watching a lightning storm above the clouds. It was so pretty.

Have you ever cut someone else's hair?
Yes.

Last person you said ‘i hate you’ to?
I have no idea. I don't usually say I hate people.

Rain or sunshine?
Sunshine. Or warm rain on warm summer days.

Favourite movie?
Juno. Elizabethtown. Nick and Norah. Breakfast At Tiffany's. Garden State. Finding Nemo. Ratatouille. Amelie.

What’s your biggest turn on, physically?
Ugh.. it sounds awful, but watching someone smoke. And forearms. And beautiful eyes.

Have you ever missed someone and regretted breaking up with them?
Missed, yes. Regretted breaking up, yes but only because I miss the person and what we were. I'm awesome with everything now though! Or, at least, most things.

Have you ever dated someone more than once?
Yes.

If you could go on ONE DATE with any celebrity, who would it be?
Davey Havok. Hands down.

Do you hold grudges?
I can.. but I don't anymore.

Do you regret dating anyone?
No, because it all made me who I am today.

Missing someone?
My bests and my family.

Are you happier single or in a relationship?
I don't know yet! It depends on the relationship. Sometimes they get stressful and it's hard to just live for yourself... but it's nice when you lose hope because you're able to live for someone else.

Would you rather date someone who was SUPER HOT or someone who was nice?
Nice!

Do you stay friends with the people you’ve dated?
I'm only friends with two people I've dated.

Would you fight over someone you wanted to be with?
Been there, done that, it doesn't work if they're set in their ways. At some point you just have to step back and move on.

Some random girl comes up to you and says “who the hell are you,” what do you say back?
I'd probably just laugh really hard and awkwardly.

Last person to see you cry?
Ughhh, Jeremy. THAT was embarrassing, haha.

Would you ever share a girl/boyfriend with your best friend?
In a joking way, yes, but in a real way, no. Fuck that shit, they can get their own!

Are most of your friends guys or girls?
I have a pretty healthy mix of both.

How long does it take you to get ready to go out?
Not too long. It depends on where I'm going and who I'm going with.

Do you straighten your hair every day?
No. I haven't straightened my hair in time.

Have you ever stole?
Just hearts ;)

Do you know anyone who has lost there virginity?
I know people with children. Obviously. haha

What bill do you hate paying most?
Hydro, haha.

Is your best friend pretty?
They're beautiful!

Are you taller than 5′4″?
Yeah, by four and a half inches! Beat that.







And now on to reading Treasure Island, the Frog King, and Early Medieval Art History.
Nice.

if you stay

If my bones are wrapped around you,
My skin was right in front of you,
Would you smile and close your eyes?
I'm yours, tonight.

------

I woke up this morning and was not sure if it was going to be a good day or a bad day.
I decided it was going to be a good day.

And it was.

believe

It's not all about you; don't flatter yourself.



Last night, I started to come to terms with the fact that it won't work.

What will work, however, is me trying hard to be happy.

I'm a cat, and you're a dog. (But in the best way possible.)

:)




I have some great people in my life, and I'm holding onto them and no one else.



There's things that are worth giving up, I know. But I won't let them get me. I will crawl. You live the life you're given with the storms outside. Somedays all I do is watch the sky.

behind your eyes and your cheekbones

I don't know how all of this happened.
I don't understand why or when or how or anything.
Everything has just been so shitty lately.
I don't even know what to write.
I can't write at the moment.

My routine is so thrown off and I'm so tired from not getting any sleep the past three nights.
I went to the bar last night (a Thursday. In Guelph. What the fuck?) for the first time since I've lived in Guelph. It was a scene and a half. But the people I went with were good and they made it less awkward (as did the alcohol; speaking of which I tried my first Jagerbomb) and I stood with Jeremy against the pool table and we ripped on stupid girls who dressed like skanks and noted who had a nice bum. We left early and cabbed back to my place where Jeremy made me food and put me to bed after I made him take off my necklace and bracelets, and take the bobby pins out of my hair.
Interesting night.

There's just been so much going on. I don't know what to do or what to say and part of me is slightly content and part of me is completely destroyed. I lost a friend, I think, the other night. For the time being, anyway. I don't know if it will ever be better but it's up to him and he knows that I'm here for him no matter what.
My Oma is not doing well. My Grandpa is not doing well. Mom is not doing well because of Oma, and I'm sure Dad is not doing well because of Grandpa. My brother is too busy for me most of the time now.
I'm so worried for Sabrina, Kyle, and Rya. I hope everything is okay with her; all of my love and prayers are being sent your way.
And I still, still miss you. I still care about you. I still want you to come home. I still want you, period. But I'm giving this a chance because you told me I should, if someone should come and sweep me off my feet and make me swoon then go for it, you had said. And although you currently own a big piece of my heart, and although I'm trying hard to hang onto this, I can't help but be act the way I am acting and do the things I am doing.
You wouldn't approve, but it's happening. If you had said wait, I would have, until the ends of the earth.

So many stressful and bad things happen so quickly all at the same time.
When it rains, it pours.

Luckily, I have a few great people in my life to remind me that the clouds will part and the sun will shine again.
Brooke is coming home.
She is my sunshine.

exceptions

One day, I will look at you and I will know the world is beautiful.

Rya was born today. Congratulations! She is the prettiest little thing.
I talked for six hours with Jeremy in Starbucks. It was nice to have someone not judge me and just listen. And to listen, and just have someone be there.
And then I come home. And it turns out you don't want me to wait.
And I wonder whether it's still worth it.
I understand where you're coming from when you say that it isn't fair to me, but it's not fair to you, either.
It's especially not fair to me when I'm putting myself out there for the first time in a long while and you're trying to save some of my feelings, but it just hurts more doing it this way.
I feel like I've been through this before, and I for sure have.
Honestly, you could say one word, and I would wait without question.
Don't you get that I could have essentially anyone I wanted, but you're who I want?
Don't you understand that?

I don't know what to do anymore.
I was sure until you said "Don't wait".

So what do we do?




What do we do?

all i see (scares me)

It wasn't exactly what I wanted to hear, but it was something.
And that counts for everything.












And yet I still feel alone.
(I miss you more and more every day.)

dreaming

Sent it.
Almost cried.
Shaking.
But thank you God, I have all I need and I'm doing fine.

saltwater taffy

I have at the very least two boys trying to pick me up. One knows about you, the other doesn't.
The thing is, I'm still waiting for you. Let's hope this doesn't fuck up because by then I'm sure I'll have lost my chance with anyone else.
(Please hurry back home.)

i'll be okay cause i've got the stars

I'm done midterms for this month. I was so stoked to come home and just hang out with some of the greatest people and not have to study or worry or be stressed. And then I got in the car when my dad picked me up on Friday and he just said, "Grandpa's in the hospital." I don't know what to do, I told myself it was fine, but it obviously bothers me a lot more than I let on.
Friday night after dinner I went to Eric's and tried to feel better about everything. It was going well until I left and drove Graeme home. We sat in his driveway, a person that I had just met five hours before, and talked about a lot of things. And he gave me a hug and it was just instant tears. Instant.
I don't know what it was, but I felt something just radiating from him. It felt good to know I wasn't alone in whatever it is I am dealing with and that there are other good people out there, just like me. Maybe it was a type of love; the kind that I seem to radiate and scare everyone off with. It just felt comforting to know I'm not the only one. When he was about to get out of the car, I said, "Let's promise each other that we'll find nice people." And he said, "I've already found someone nice. And I didn't have to look far, either."
How nice. Really. I appreciate that conversation with a perfect stranger more than most things in this world.

Yesterday I went to Toronto with Eleanor, Marcio and Chelsea to visit Sabrina. River joined us for dinner at Fresh which is an amazing vegan restaurant. So good. It was just one of the greatest visits ever. It was so nice to be with some of the greatest people I know. We had a great time laughing and having uncomfortable car rides with six people, and visiting a sweet candy store and multiple coffee shops. And I got to feel Rya kick! Sabrina is due so soon! I'm so excited, ah! It was so nice to just sit and talk and laugh and feel okay. It was nice to have some reinforce what I am feeling and thinking.
Ugh, I wish I didn't have to be so cryptic about this but I really do have to be. I don't want this to fall apart. I want this to work so bad. I know I've said it...and this is my test... but I need this.

Daddy made me soup today. Oma is freaking out. Grandpa is still in the hospital. I need to go back to Guelph at some point either today or tomorrow. I have some of the greatest friends in the world.
And I still (still) miss you.

still.

Why do I miss you the most late at night while I'm listening to sad songs?
Songs are only as sad as the listener.
I still remember your arms. Your eyes. I can hear your voice in my head. It rings and rings and sings.
And I miss it. I miss you. I miss how you picked me up, how you said "I'm thinking of you, and how I've really come to like you". That still echoes through my mind and my heart, repeating repeatedly. It's always on repeat.
And then you got up to leave. And you left and you're not back. I'm not back.
I've told myself that I'm over you, that I don't need you. I've told myself I've moved on. And I am moving on.
It's just slow. It's so, painfully slow.
I think it takes years to finally find peace. To finally not feel anything other than nothing.
Like I did with her, my old best friend. It stopped hurting a while ago, a long while ago. Sometimes I still think about her, but it doesn't hurt anymore. But it took years.
This will too, won't it?
Years, and other people, and new friends, and new lovers.
Because you were the one I could see myself with. I don't know what it was about you, but I loved you.
And as much as I tell myself I'm not in love with you, late at night, when I open up, and stop breathing, I still love you.
When it all comes down to it, I still love you.

(Bambi.)

some things i've found over the course of the day

When you're awake at four a.m. and you don't miss anyone, then you know that you've been gone for too long, and you just don't want to.
Or that there's no one really there to miss or think about.
And you realize that you haven't been gone...but just alone for too long.

Love me, because love doesn't exist, and I have tried everything that does.





It's the tragedy of loving, you can't love anything more than something you miss.

She had fallen in love so many times that she began to suspect she was not falling in love at all, but doing something much more ordinary.

I like to see people reunited, I like to see people run to each other, I like the kissing and crying, I like the impatience, the stories that the mouth can't tell fast enough, the ears that aren't big enough, the eyes that can't take in all of the change, I like the hugging, the bringing together, the end of missing someone.

this is it

In class, freaking out a little, but calming down.
Finished two midterms, one right after the other.
I have never thought, or written that fast in my entire life.
Late night study sesh tonight with Florida and Jailbait.
You're back in town but I probably won't see you.
But it's nice to know that you're close by (because you're getting close to my heart).
Michelle is lovely and is taking notes for me so I don't have to and can destress a little.
Then lunch at the Bullring with her, and gushing about cute things.
Sweet baby Jesus, my bum hurts a whole lot from sitting for three and a half hours.

I need tea and sustenance.

Also, I miss my kitty a whole lot and wish I had one to keep me company.

Write more later.

PS: Come play.

PPS: I still think about you. And it still hurts. But only sometimes.

love, it takes time, it takes time

Time.
It's something that we take for granted.
"I'm sorry, I don't have time."
"We don't have time to do that."
"You don't have time to say hello, keep going."
"Don't slow down, there's no time."
And even when you try to make time, you're not really making time. You're simply hoping that something changes so you can pencil something else in and make it work.
You better wake up, you'd better start making the time, because before you know it the person you were always trying to make time for won't be around anymore. Maybe they'll be in another country, maybe they'll have moved on from your life, maybe they'll be dead.
The idea is to stop trying, and start doing. Stop everything once in a while. You do have the time. It's not the end of the world if you're late for school, or work, or volunteering one time. It's not the end of the world if you get up off your ass and go out into the world and smile and say hello to someone, hold a door for someone, say thank you, say please. You are not too busy for common courtesy.
It takes time. So make time.
To laugh, to dance alone, to breathe.
For them, for this, for yourself.
For love.

bebe

I feel emotions very intensely. I am a very intense person. And I realize this probably scares off many people. Those of you who are able to deal with those intense emotions (and even reciprocate them), I appreciate you more than you know. Those of you who freak out and run away, I'm (intensely) sorry.

That aside, this weekend has been alright. JC and I went out for lunch today which was absolutely lovely. I love that boy to the moon and back, no word of a lie. He is my best friend and I'm so thankful I have him in my life. He never ceases to amaze me and can always make me laugh. :)
Last night I went to Brooke's to see her and Lucie. We watched Pirates of the Caribbean 3 and Mulan 2 (oh, Disney). Grandma is coming down to Lucie's this weekend and I think I am staying in Guelph, so I might go over and visit! I'm excited, I haven't seen Grandma in so long! And I got to talk to Auntie Margie on the phone for a little bit last night too. Ah, my second family. I love them to bits and pieces. I'm sad Brooke has to leave again today but I know she'll be back soon, and it seems like our relationship is stronger than ever which makes me so happy. I'm so lucky to have best friends who are as good to me as Brooke and JC.
My family came over yesterday too for lunch and it was great. No spazzes and no arguments. It was just pleasant and nice (even though I had to do dishes by hand for an hour straight).
Saturday I went to the mall with Brooke and Diane and it was great. I love Diane. I love the Food Friends. I love my girls.
Anyway, I need to study, the boy is cute but I miss him and I'm still hoping it works. I hope so, I hope so, I hope so.

To me, you are perfect.

play crack the sky

We sent out the S.O.S. call. It was quarter past four in the morning when the storm broke our second anchor line. Four months at sea. Four months of calm seas, onto to be pounded in the shallows off the tip of Montauk Point. They call 'em rogues. They travel fast and alone. One hundred foot faces of God's good ocean gone wrong.
What they call love is a risk, 'cause you always get hit out of no where by some wave and end up on your own.
A hole in the hull defied the crew's attempts to bail us out, and flooded the engines and radio, and half buried bow. Your tongue is a rudder; it steers the whole ship, sends your words past your lips, or keeps them safe behind your teeth. But the wrong words will strand you. Come off course while you sleep. Sweep your boat out to sea, or dashed to bits on the reef. The vessel groans, the ocean pressures its frame. To the port I see the lighthouse through the sleet and the rain.
And I wish for one more day to give my love and repay debts, but the morning finds our bodies washed up thirty miles west.
They say that the captain stays fast with the ship, through still and storm. But this ain't the Dakota and the water's cold; we won't have to fight for long.
This story's old but it goes on and on until we disappear. Calm me and let me taste the salt you breathe while you were underneath. I am the one who haunts your dreams of mountains sunk below the sea. I spoke the words but never gave a thought to what they all could mean. I know that this is what you want. A funeral keeps both of us apart. You know that you are not alone. I need you like water in my lungs.
This is the end. This is the calm. We are the risen. After the storm. Rest in the sea. Washed up on the beach. This is the end.

please, i'm begging you

Please please please please please please please don't let it fall apart.




You're bringing back the new, and it's absolutely killing me.

playing god

You don't have to believe me, but the way I, way I see it: Next time you point a finger, I might have to bend it back and break it, break it off. Next time you point a finger, I'll point you to the mirror.

I'm home for the weekend. I really, REALLY want to go out to either Hess or Absinthe but I don't think that's going to happen. I went to sleep at 9:30 last night and slept for twelve hours. It was lovely. I saw Brooke and Diane today, I met them at the mall and we had a good time. I missed them a lot. I miss my friends whenever I'm away from them. Other than that, I have three midterms in two days next week and I haven't started studying. Great. I need to do some of that.
Anyway, I'm still really stoked on you. I can't wait until you come home. But really, I can wait and I am waiting. It's my test and I'm feeling good about it. I feel old enough and mature enough to do it. I'm going to be okay.
I think this is exactly, exactly what I need. I need a break and waiting for something like you is just what I need.

PS: I miss you.

incredible words

What can I say? I'm a sucker for this whole romantic scene.

Cuddles, chats, kisses, and Ghostbusters.

I WAS WRONG :)


Hi :)

................today??







Maybe I was right.






PS: finished the midterm in fifteen minutes. Aced. Who fucking cares anymore.

today.

Today :)

here's to you

And Alexander McQueen blows me away once again.
His new spring/summer 2010 line is fabulously gorgeous. The squiggly shoes are fantastic, although the other point shoes look like they're out of some space age alien movie. They are, however, still sleekly beautiful in a strange sort of sense. I loved the first black outfit. The tights were lovely, definitely something I would buy and wear on a regular basis. I also loved the runway. It was so creative with the two cameras on tracks that the girls walked around. The backdrop was interesting as well; girls with snakes mid-orgasm is what it looked like. Hell yes. I just love McQueen.

Space Age Shoes (two outside, middle are slightly squiggly):


Squiggly Shoes (essentially like this, but with a squiggly platform as well):


Anyway, I am stressed out about my midterm tomorrow and nervous for tomorrow tomorrow. I keep feeling like it's not going to happen, like you're going to cancel or bail or just not come. I hope that's not the case because I'm essentially wearing my heart on my sleeve at the moment and it will be intensely crushed if something is to go wrong.
I don't know what else to write, other than I have to do some more studying. I don't want to, but I don't know what else to do. I am not a science student; why does university insist that I take two science or math classes and actually pass them?
I'll stick to art, thankyouverymuch.

tomorrow

Tomorrow.

lasting

Up the stairs, the station where
the act becomes the art of growing up.

I have a headache. I successfully completely midterm number one, and possibly owned it. I am tired -- drained, actually -- and back to studying for nutrition which I have been neglecting (avoiding) and is on Wednesday.
But... Wednesday! I can't wait, I can't wait. I'm so excited. I was so shocked when you asked. I just smiled and literally squealed out loud. I was so happy. I still AM so happy. This is what is getting me through until Wednesday. After that, I don't know what will get me through. Maybe if you come home again and ask. Maybe if you just ask.

"But for now, let me say, without hope or agenda, to me, you are perfect."

---------------



My grandfather has slept on a couch for the past twenty years.

I've never asked why, but I think I know.

(Please let love be able to last forever.)