be careful of how you lick your wounds

Done Guelph room mostly.
Dumped lots of garbage in the university's dumpster with Rebecca.
Had good chats.
Love my room, want to move in ASAP.
Cell phone bill was expensive.
Credit card bill was not expensive.
Going shopping in Toronto tomorrow with JC and Neil.
Super stoked, going to spend money and go on a photo adventure.
Mom and Dad are happy about my hanging out with JC.
Need to lose weight, stop eating carbs.
Miss yoga a lot.
Really digging Silversun Pickups lately.
Brother is gone for 10 days to L.A.
Missing traveling immensely.

And yes, still in love with you.

this isn't the first time i've been to this place

The world before me, the wall behind me.
I don't know which side I'm on.
But it's the right one for me.
I'll take my time now.
I'll sing my heart out.
Now I know, the strings that held me down have come undone, I'm on my way.
This isn't the first time I've been to this place.
But it's the last time I'll be afraid of anything.
And so the next time you look at my face, know it's the last time you'll ever get to question me on my broken legs.

---

Bloggy is being really dumb today and not letting me upload photos. Sorry, no photo today.

Finished painting in Guelph House. Moved my desk, my Paris picture, and a dresser up. One more dresser to go, plus my bed and a mattress and possibly a bookshelf.
Still needed: TV, kitchen chairs, garbage cans, cleaning products, kleenex and toilet paper, food, MOAR GLITTER, and a very big cleaning.
If anyone has any ideas of what I still need for this house, please let me know. Us four girls are bound to forget something.

I hung out with Riley last night. It was nice. It's nice to have someone who, even though they're really busy, can make time for me multiple times a week. Thank you. Serenade me again with your guitar one day.

Tonight I am going to see Bruno with JC. I'm stoked! I miss JC a whole lot.

A girl told me she'd go gay for me. I'm flattered. How nice!

And on those endless drives, you're still the only one I think about (and I desperately wish you weren't).

i drag you down i use you up

Saw the Stills last night at Rokbar. That venue is pretty swanky. Not bad. Not something you'd expect on Hess.
Anyway, Hollerado played first and they're pretty sweet. They definitely won me over.
Then I got caffeine. Then the Stills played and they were awesome, as usual. Stills count: numero cinq.
I got home around two and passed out around three.

I am going up to Guelph with mom today to finish painting and move some stuff up. Tomorrow I am bringing the rest of my stuff up and getting my bed and mattress. I'm excited to get my room straightened away and start cleaning up the house. I can't wait to move in. I'm sick of being home.

I wish I had a mad wavy weave.

Also, there is a fly in the kitchen that has been around for five days now. When the hell do these things die? Fuck my life.

"Would you be gentle to me?"
"Of course!"
*BEEP*
"...Sorry."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

mrs. self-destruct

You don't even remotely remind me of him, but somehow he's all I think of when I'm with you.

hey! is that a ninja up there?

Is it bad that I have the strongest urge to pour the rest of my coffee on my cell phone?

Also, I hate it when I wake up in the morning to a sink and countertop full of dishes, and have to empty the dishwasher and then load it again, and it gets to be so full that I can't fit all the dirty dishes in it so I have to run it twice.
I will be emptying this thing a total of three times today, I just know it.

I wish I had a job in Paris.
I haven't eaten anything yet today.
I miss yoga but I'm going tonight I think.
What am I going to do when I move to Guelph?

I wish my life was getting started already. I'm sick of just sitting here in the middle of it and not being able to do anything.

It's cloudy today and I miss you.

i would go out tonight, but i haven't got a stitch to wear

So I had a date yesterday. It was nice. We went vintage/antique shopping and had a picnic and walked around a conservation area. And we drove in a convertible with the top down (and I tanned a bit more! How great is that?!).
I like it because I haven't been talking to this boy online at all. Just texts and phone calls and yesterday, in person. I think I like it better this way, because people online have some strange courage in them, probably because they don't have to actually look the person they're talking to in the face. Talking in person just seems a lot more real to me and I get the whole idea of them.
Unfortunately I just don't see how it will work in the end as he is going to Alberta for the next two years starting in September. It's kind of bittersweet, I guess. Right now, it's just nice. Nice to have someone to do cute silly things with and go out with and just not be alone. But it's just not going to work in the end. If I know anything about myself, it's that I need someone WITH me. Physically. I need the affection. I just don't think I could make something long distance work very well.
I'll just enjoy it right now, I guess. I just have to distance myself.
Truth is, I've never been good at distancing myself.

Also, I think people brag because they're insecure.

i was nineteen, call me

I went up to Guelph house yesterday and painted from 1 pm to 3 am.
And then I woke up at 10:30 and painted til 1:30.
I have blisters, my knee hurts, and I have paint between my toes.
I am not done. I only have the first coat of paint on everything.

It's not as pretty as I wanted it to be... maybe I'll feel differently when my furniture is in it.
Who knows.

I had a lot of time to myself to think, and surprisingly, I didn't think about you all that much.
The one thing I did think of was how you could hardly stand her, and now you're with her all the time.
The other thing I thought of was when you said you used to be in love with her.
You said, "Know how I know?"
"How?", I asked.
"Because of how much it fucking hurt."

And I started thinking about that, and about how much it fucking hurt.
And I realized, if you're right, then I was in love with you, too.

a dance 'round the memory tree

I've held it together so well for the past few years. Even when she was in the hospital, even when she was crying and I had never in my entire life seen her cry, even when she was yelling and getting angry when I had never in my entire life seen her yell or be angry. I've kept it together for her, and you. You know I'm here for you to run to when you get frustrated with her, and upset with her, and angry at what's happening to her.
But I couldn't keep it together tonight, and that's why I couldn't stand by your side while you talked to her on the phone the whole time, trying to convince her that it was dark outside because it is nighttime and not daytime.
I barely made it out of the room before I fell apart. But I promise I only allowed myself a couple of precious minutes before I dried my tears and came back to your side to tell you it was going to be okay.

The thing is, I'm a bad liar, but you believe what I say, because you want to believe it will be okay.
Sometimes things just aren't okay.
And sometimes things don't get to be okay ever again.

This is one of those things, and I think I'm starting to feel it sink in now.

I miss her, and she's not even gone.

christian louboutin

Buy me these, please?
Mine mine mine.

oh hey.

We're both alone, but the difference is, I'm going up.
And you're going down.



Hi, my brother is sitting beside me singing the Lion King to me.
And I have coffee, and I have a tentative date on Sunday.
And I am going up to Guelph to see Eileen on Friday and hopefully start prepping my room for painting.
And I miss my best friend, but it gets easier every day (even though I still miss her like crazy).
And the sun is out.
And really, I am going up.
Where are you going?

On another note, I have decided to start saving up now to move to Paris when I'm finished school.
I have three (and possibly two extra) years to go.
If I feel the same way as I do about that city in a few years, then I'm moving out there.
If I don't, well, I'll have a shit load of money saved up to buy couture and a pair of Louboutins.

there's no glitter in the gutter

Wow. Took me fucking long enough. But I am back. I kind of went MIA for a while.. until last night.
Last night was great! Rebecca invited me to go to Che with her, Amanda, Camila, Aleks, and Kathleen and after a very very big cryfest with my mom I decided it would be good for me to go. I'd be lying if I said I didn't intend to get as drunk as I was. But. Then I'd be lying. And I don't lie very often.
I don't even know what the fuck I drank, but it served me well and I was pretty fucking stoked on life. Che wasn't even super packed because tons of people were at Hot Flashes. Note to self: FUCK Hot Flashes. Seriously. It's lame and it usually has shitty people and it usually has shitty music (sorry Jason Mante). Che is a way better scene and I would choose it over Hot Flashes any day of the week (thank you Christopher McNamee for the whiskey sour).
Anyway. Good night. Good talks. It made me feel like I have people who will watch out for me and that means the world to me. Thank you lovelies.

So. Edgefest! Finally. Edgefest was amazing!


The Arkells fucking rocked. I love them, and the fact that they named their album "Jackson Square". Oh Hamilton.


We missed most of the Stills because of waiting for half an hour for a bathroom, but there was this interesting hair-metaly band playing the side stage that we got to see. Dean Lickyer or something? Kind of rad.


I made cookies for the day and they got squished into a big singular ball of cookie. Win.


K-os was sweet and he freestyled all of the names of the bands playing the main stage and the Edge into a song. How nice!


Metric! Emily Haines is adorable and inspiring. She told us that if someone tells us that we can't do something, we should do it anyway because nothing is impossible. Then she proceeded to laugh maniacally and sing Stadium Love.


Then I ran over to the side stage to see the Cancer Bats. Liam took a leap of faith into the crowd. Honestly. I think he cleared like seven feet. NUTS.


People were mud wrestling. By the end of the day, there was no grass left. At all.


Alexisonfire was fantastic as usual and I was impressed that they didn't play a lot of their new stuff. I think they only played Young Cardinals and Old Crows? It got me stoked though because I love the old tunes! Unfortunately they did not play Get Fighted and I totally wish they did.


We wore ponchos because it pissed rain. Hi siblings.


THEN IT WAS AFI AFI AFI TIMEEEEE. I was so, so, so excited. I was second row from the front with Sam and I was so excited while waiting that I almost vomited I was so excited. I can't believe I saw AFI! Steven took lots of pictures for me so I could go up close and freak out without breaking things, and this was the greatest shot. Best picture of the day. Thank you brother!! I love you. AND AFI. It was the best forty minutes of my life and I can die happy now.


Then I met up with my dear Scott and he got me backstage! I met a bunch of people. It was cool! Thank you Scott :)


We watched Billy Talent from the stage. Greatest end to the greatest (wettest, muddiest, most disgusting) day!




Fin.

your sins into me

Stories and photos from the ever-muddy Edgefest up soon!

i'll be damned if i am going out, i will not go out that way

Without you I don't sleep, just dream.

I like sunshine.
Tomorrow I go to EdgeFest and I am so, so excited.
I get to see AFI, FINALLY, after all these years.
Honestly, I swear that if it wasn't for AFI, I wouldn't have gotten through my teenage years.
I still remember the first time I heard a song by AFI.
It was A Winter's Tale off the 2001 Warped Tour Compilation.
I was eleven, and I fell in love.
And AFI was there through everything I went through.
I owe everything to them.
I owe them my life.
And I hope that if they ever feel like giving up on their music, that they can somehow know that they have given this girl and many other people the greatest gift of all: hope.

in your eyes i lost my place

Boyfriend potentials:
If you do not have a job or are not actively looking for a job, forget it.
If you do not have dreams, forget it.
If you don't have family values, forget it.
If you don't believe in something and are not willing to be flexible to my beliefs, forget it.
If you are not respectful, forget it.
If you do not want to meet my family, forget it.

That being said, I no longer date deadbeats.

this is the last straw

I bought a pair of running shoes last night to start running with my mom.
I know, I know. What the hell happened? I hate running, I really do. But my mom needs some support in this and voila, there I am.
To redeem myself, I bought a pair of Steve Madden wedges. They're gorgeous. And they were only $45.
Now I must stop buying until I get a job.
Anyone have work for me?

By the way, fuck you.



So do I, Ellen. So do I.

i should be leaving

I want to say I'm over you.
I want to say I don't care.
That I'm still smiling.
That I'm still strong.
To be honest, I'm falling apart.
I have never fallen for someone that fast.
I thought I'd be safe.
I thought you felt the same way.
But it changed for you.
It hasn't changed for me.
And somehow, I knew that the last time you kissed me, was the last time you'd ever kiss me.



(I hope you think of me, but most of all, I hope that when you think of me, you constantly wonder what it would be like if you didn't let the best thing in your life go. Because that's what I would have been. I gave you everything I had, and I was ready to give more. Too bad you missed out on that. I'm sorry...but I'm not that kind of sorry.)

they're gonna eat you alive

You constantly let me down.

I wish I could find where I'm supposed to be, because this sure as hell doesn't feel right.
I just don't want to be another person who is stuck in this small town for the rest of her life.
I love home, but it doesn't feel like home anymore.
I need to find a new place to call home.
I know I'm dreaming big when I say I want to live in Paris, France.
But really, I can't get that city out of my head.
Or my heart, for that matter.
It was the first thing I have ever fallen so completely in love with the moment I saw it.
I just don't feel like I'm in the place I'm supposed to be.
I don't get along with anyone in this town.
I feel completely cut off and I want to be somewhere else where I don't constantly feel that.
It drags me down so much to feel like this.
It's draining, and I'm always tired.
I need a change of scenery, and maybe crossing an ocean is just the prescription I need.

where are we

It's only just hitting me. Now. After another eight months.
Did I make a mistake?
Or do I just miss the idea of what we were?



It's hard to hold onto something that was never yours to hold onto in the first place.

this is the way i deal with you, so deal with it

I am sick and it is not fun. I'm just trying to keep moving around as much as possible because that usually makes me feel better. Unfortunately I have next to no energy and every time I move I feel dizzy. Yesterday I made the horrible decision to take an Advil Cold and Sinus. Why is this horrible? Because I'm allergic to decongestants. Which means, I'm allergic to almost ALL allergy medicine as well. So I snort steroids. True story.
Anyway. I took the medicine and was like, yeah, I'll sleep the effects off, who cares? I'll be fine! Yeahhhhhhno. Not at all. I woke up for dinner and felt like I was gonna vom all over the place. So I tried eating and I couldn't because the medicine had affected me that badly. Fuck my life.
This is why it takes forever for me to get over colds! Because I can't take goddamn medicine or it makes me even worse! It's awful.

Whatever. I'm sick, that's my "I'm a huge baby" rant for the day. Oh. But because of me feeling like poop, I didn't get to go see the Reason :(
Very sad. I almost cried a little. But that could have just been my sinuses hating my eyes.

On the up side of things, my furniture is all painted and done (hopefully I don't have to do another coat cause I've already done two).
I'm also thinking of bringing facebook back. I think I'm ready. I think I might be strong enough not to be a fucking lurk and end up making myself feel awful again. At least, I hope I'm strong enough for that...

I have green tea.

fluidity of the body

I have never been you a day in my life.





I smell burning.

oh, what you say...

That you only meant well.
Well, of course you did.
Oh, what you say?
That it's all for the best.
Of course it is.
Oh, what you say?
That it's just what we need.
And you decided this.
Oh, what you say?
What did she say?

Sitting in bed, drinking tea, listening to Imogen Heap, texting a friend, holding my baby blanket, thinking about sleep, but season five of America's Next Top Model will win the sleep battle.


I can't describe how unbelievably alone I feel.

the things i've come to know

I realize now that you're not half as good as you think you are.

i know, i know, i know, i feel the same as you

Dunna nunna...
I am now the proud owner of a 100% authentic (and expensive) silk Hermes scarf. No, not HER-ME'S. It's pronounced "errh-mayze". That's right. I can wear it AND pronounce it like a pro.
Anyway, my dad bought it for my mom on his way home from Japan a few years ago and she never wears it because it's "not her style", so we were talking about it tonight and my dad said I should have it. So my mom gave it to me. Just like that! She wanted to before, but she didn't want to hurt my dad's feelings (truth be told, my dad doesn't have very good fashion sense.. neither does my grandma, come to think of it, except in purses and jackets). So I inherited it. I am so, so happy and grateful to have it. Honestly, I think that any time I'm sad, I just have to pull it out of the box and wrap it around my neck and feel the real French silk and remember that not everything is bad because, after all, I own a silk Hermes scarf.

Ugh, I don't mean to brag. I really, truly don't. I just like pretty things and they make me so happy. The best therapy for me is shopping therapy. It's sometimes even less expensive than my previous $200 sessions of cognitive behavioural therapy. Imagine that. I am very sorry if this makes you feel bad. That isn't my intention at all. One day, I will buy each and every one of you something you REALLY REALLY REALLY want (or maybe just a really adorable puppy), just so you experience the same happiness I am now.

Hmm.. what else.
Wow. This blog has actually gotten very personal since I started it. Well. I guess that happens. I'm a personal kind of gal. I spill my guts, I wear my heart on my sleeve. Honestly, if you asked me what my deepest, darkest secret was, I'd probably tell you. Just because I don't really have anything to hide. There's nothing really that would come back to bite me in the ass. I've been upset, I've been stepped on, I've been humiliated, laughed at, teased, tested, I've walked into the boys bathroom in front of people who constantly made fun of me IN HIGH SCHOOL (true story), and I've made it out alive. So really, there's nothing I have to hide.
No, I have never been to jail or killed a man with only my thumb. My index finger, however, is another story...
Kidding.

My mommy took me out for dinner tonight too, since it was only the two of us. Then we went to the bookstore and I bought the new Nylon magazine and a Sephora book. I'm so excited about both of them and I can't wait to start cracking into them (I already started the Sephora one the second I got home from the bookstore). We went for a walk and watched Desperate Housewives. We talked. We laughed. And it was nice to know that some things never change.

Mom, you are my rock. You are the reason I am still alive. You are my strength, my heart, my soul, and my home. I could be anywhere in the whole world, and if you were there, I would not feel lost. Not one little bit.
I pity anyone who does not have the kind of person my mom is to me in their life.

Now if you'll all kindly excuse me, my life is waiting...



PS: Anyone got $4000 they wanna lend me for this Hermes bicycle? Seriously now.

click

I began the long process of refinishing two large dressers and a desk for my townhouse. I sanded them all down today and filled the handle holes with wood filler. I am leaving it to dry, have to sand the holes again, drill new holes for the new handles, and clean everything again. Then I prime, then I paint, then it dries, then I put the new handles on, then I paint my room in Guelph, then I move in. And then I find a job in a salon (hopefully) and then I get some money and then I get a makeup pallet and brushes and then I get shoes.

I saw Up the other night with Dave and it was so, so good. Hilarious. And so cute. It is one of the best movies I've seen this year. And the best animated one since Ratatouille and Finding Nemo.

I went shopping with JC on Monday. It was so nice to see him again. I haven't hung out with him since March.. or two Hot Flashes ago. Speaking of Hot Flashes, fuck that noise. I left at midnight because I hated myself, hah.

I am now going to Blink 182 and Weezer.
How fantastic.



I feel better now that I'm not caring so much and thinking about you.
Peace, sucka.

sinking, feeling...

In the end, we all fall asleep completely alone.