(Sometimes, when I look at other peoples' old family photos, I pretend I'm part of their family, just so I can feel like I belong to something with some kind of history.)

cowboy boots

Sittin' in the Daily Grind, looking out the windows, LOVING life because there are so many adorable people.
Also, cute boy in my art history seminar, and nice girls in my group!
I honestly love Guelph so much. I'm so much happier here than I was in high school.

Also, am I getting funnier, or are people just now finding my sense of humour funny? No one used to laugh at my jokes anymore and now people kill themselves over stupid things I say. I guess I just win.

Also, Eileen got drunk last night off six whiskey sours and then went home and wrote an assignment. Eileen, you're a fucking champ, seriously.

Also, AHHHHH WHAT IS THAT NOISE AHHHHH I AM FUCKING MY HAND!

Don't believe me?
Watch this:
http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3Dl_8yPap-k_s&h=e9761d708f30b154b349f59b0b1bd3c3

if i'm a liar and you're a thief

The new Brand New album, Daisy, came out yesterday. I hurried out to the mall after my class and having lunch with Eileen and picked it up. I also got two great v-necks for $9.50 each and they're so nice! I love Garage, honestly.
Anyway, the verdict on Daisy is...... I'm not sure.
Of course it is FAR from being another Deja Entendu. There will never be another Deja Entendu. And there are certain songs that I like, and certain songs that I hate. The first track on the album is the second-worst song on the whole record. The first-worst song is called Be Gone. It's a sort of interlude in the middle of the album, but it has echoey, distorted screamed out words that don't really sound like words but more like someone dying in a gutter. I never knew Jesse Lacey could make such disgusting sounds. The highlights of the album would definitely be Sink, You Stole, Daisy, Noro, and Bought A Bride. The nostalgic Deja Entendu wannabe song is At The Bottom. It's lovely and has great lyrics. I had very mixed feelings about Bought A Bride. At first I didn't like it, but as I listened to it a few more times, it started to grow on me. I'm hoping the entire album grows on me, because right now there is not one song on it that I could say I absolutely "love". There is one line, however, that says "And if I'm a liar, and you're a thief, at least we both know where the other one sleeps". It's not even that profound of a lyric, but the way Jesse sings it makes it special somehow. I like it very much for the sole reason of how he sings it and somehow makes it rhyme and sway and flow. Kudos, Jesse. But next time, please don't let Vince write the majority of the album.

Anyway, I've been up since 8 am after finally falling asleep around 2:30 last night. I'm tired. I feel slightly cranky as well and I don't know why. There's nothing to be cranky about, except for the fact that I have reading that I should be getting on top of and holding down the fort with (and, you know, writing papers on articles and studying for midterms that I have in a week)... but I just can't do it at the moment. I read myself out on Monday night. Seventy pages of English, a 22 page article for art history, and a few pages (with notes) for Greek art history was all read on Monday. I almost died. A nap and some eating was thrown in there as well.
I've been in class for the better part of the day and got groceries, so I think I'm doing pretty well right now while running on six and a half hours of sleep.
On a wonderfully productive note, I just planned out all the classes that I am going to take next semester. They are all 100% art history and I am so, so excited. I'll be taking Renaissance, Aboriginal, and Canadian art, along with Photographic History and Art Theory and Criticism. I'm super excited for theory and crit, since I think you learn a lot about museums as well and I want to see if I like something like that. Maybe I'll work in a museum. That might be nice. Or I'll own my own gallery! Oh man, I would have so much fun with that!

Eileen, Alex and I (and possibly Joey and Juan) are going to Brass Taps tonight. I think I'll nap before we go. A nap would be glorious.

Also, I'm still thinking of that message that was sent to me by an old friend, and it still makes me smile a lot of a lot.

By the way, your chromosomes have combined beautifully.

daisy

A little while ago I got a Facebook message from a very old friend. The things she said were quite possibly the nicest things I have ever heard. She said that she read my blog and complimented it and what I write about. She also said she could relate to the things in here. It made me feel so much better to know that this isn't all for nothing. It made me feel right for a change. Like I'm not just messing everything up, but rather doing something positive and good. This girl has honestly touched my heart and has inspired me. We couldn't be more on the opposite ends of the social spectrum, but I guess feelings and heartache make everyone equal. That's something that is very comforting to me, even though I wouldn't wish some of the things I feel on anyone. I'm just glad to know that someone out there is reading this. That it matters. That I am able to reach people. Mostly I'm glad that nice and lovely people still exist in this world. Even though we haven't spoken in a very long time, she was able to tell me what she felt and what she thought. She opened up and let herself out, and that means the world to me. So I will say it right now: You have literally restored my faith in humanity. Thank you. Thank you a million times.

I'm glad that some nice people are out there. And I'm more than glad to have the honor of knowing them.

one, two, three...

I get it. I don't fit in.
Why don't you just tell me?
You think I'd be used to it by now.
I've never had great friends with the exception of three people.
I try to be a good friend to people but somehow it's not enough.

It would be so nice if something made sense for a change.

my best friend

My best friend is amazing. Hands down, she is the greatest girl I know. She's sweet. She actually includes me in things. She thinks about me. She worries about me. She spends time with me. She loves me. She misses me.
She is the best person I have in my life.
She saved me.
I love you.

can't love, can't hurt

Accidental red meat ingestion makes me want to fucking vomit.
I feel so fucking sick. Ugh.

Hold me down, sweet and low, little girl.
Hold me down, sweet and low, and I will carry you home.
Just hold me down, and I'll carry you home.

as you breathe the words "i better go"

Last night I went to the Casbah with my brother and Josh. We got drunk and took a cab. First time I got drunk with my brother, yeah! It was pretty cool I guess, except it was a little awkward seeing as my brother's exgirlfriend was there. Weird. We saw Jamsquid play which was awesome. And then some 29 year old hit on me, which was not so awesome. And Monster Truck played and Jeremy recognized me and I was impressed and quite happy. He is a nice boy. And I'm spoiled and did not have to pay for any of my drinks last night. Also, since the Casbah got to be so big, they make really shitty drinks. They literally measure out ONE SINGLE shot and are super anal about it, as opposed to Che or Frat where they just fucking pour it in. Come on now, Brody. Stop being lame.
Anyway, I saw Eleanor tonight which was great. We went to Second Cup and then watched the pilot of the OC, which is a pretty solid show. It has great filming and it's kind of intense. If you watch it from the beginning you realize that it's not just a shitty teen drama. It has a legit story line, and a good one, too.
After that I went to Rebecca's to meet up with her, Kathleen, and Aleks and then we picked up Amanda and went to Disco/Punk. I saw Norman and watched Spirits with him for a bit, then danced for a bit, and then left. I don't know what else to say about tonight except that I miss my own friends a lot.
I wish that my friends were still here. You know, all of them, the ones who are the glue, the ones who bring me together with everyone else. I miss you. I miss you all the time. I wish that you were here so badly. It seems like all my best friends either can't come out with me, don't have time for me, or are gone somewhere far away. I don't know what else to do other than try to be friends with friends-of-friends, but it never feels the same and it always makes me miss my bests more and more.
I just don't know what to do anymore.
Brooke and JC. I miss you both so much it's ridiculous. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that I am literally in tears right now thinking about you. I've said it before, but it absolutely and completely breaks my heart to be away from you both. I wish you were here. I need you right now more than ever.

I don't know what else to say.
It's 2:30am, I'm wide awake, and I'm eating chocolate chip cookies in bed. And I miss my bests more than I could ever, ever express.

critical things

Things that I really, desperately need:
- A new pair of black supertight skinny jeans/pants
- New shirts because all of mine got thrown out during the move/because they had holes in them
- Underwear ** this is important
- Socks
- Bras **this is important too
- A skirt
- Tights

Someone donate to the Buy Sara Clothes Fund.
And also the Buy Sara Alcohol For the Weekend Fund.

The main thing I wanted to say is, things change. And it's okay. I know. I understand. And it sucks, but it's okay. Go. Be happy. And I'll be happy for you. I guess what I'm saying is, thanks for being what I needed, even if it was just for a little while.

thaaaanks.

Number one: I'm not interested.
Number two: I eat far too much when I PMS.
Number three: I have the car for two weeks.
Number four: I'm REALLY not interested, especially when you put it that way.
Number five: I don't care anymore. Kindly go fuck yourself.

yeah, it's about you. so what?

PS: I don't know how strong I can manage to be tomorrow.
It's been so long. I've moved on.
But I still miss you more than I should.

No one will ever destroy me the way you do.
Happy Birthday.

so come closer, baby

So I'm all moved in and the rest of the girls have moved in as well. We're having an absolute blast and everything is so laid back and great. We got hot water last week on Wednesday and we finally got internet today, which is the reason for my awfully late update. The past two weeks have been completely intense and... interesting, to say the least.
Brooke left on Tuesday and it absolutely breaks my heart. I miss her a lot. Now two of my best friends are away in/near Ottawa. I miss you both. Please come home soon. Riley is also gone and I haven't talked to him really since I moved in.
Anyway, the first two days of class were good. I really love my children's literature class. I also have a first year art history class, nutrition (for my second science), medieval art history, and Greek art history. All of them are really great, but my favourite is definitely English. My art girls are in medieval and children's lit with me which makes it a lot easier for me to get along in the classes. Oh, and I dropped over $300 on textbooks. Fuck. My. Life. Hello, we're starving students here! Make the goddamn textbooks that we use for four months and then get rid of cheaper than $157 each. Ugh.
That's about it for school... cooking in the house is going well. Rebecca and I always team up and cook awesome dinners. I also applied for a couple of jobs and am going job hunting again on Thursday when I have the car. Speaking of Thursday, that is the day that my parents leave for their Mediterranean cruise for two weeks. I hope they have the greatest time and love Europe as much as I did... because in that case, they can come visit me whenever they want when I move to Paris!
Other than that, the weekend was absolutely great. I came home Friday night and went out for a bit with my mom. Saturday mom and I went out again to get groceries and run some errands. Then I texted Anto to ask if he was going to Hess. We ended up going to Caleigh house with his cousins and their friends to just chill. It was a really fun! Anto invited me out Saturday night too for his "go away" party (haaah). At first I wasn't sure if I was going to go because I don't really know any of his friends, but I decided to go anyway. And surprisingly, it was really awesome (minus feeling slightly awkward when I was left standing alone, but a lot of the people there were really nice and talked to me). I had a lot of fun watching a very drunk Anto stand on stools and "stage dive" into about three people. He's a nice boy. Except now he is gone for two months on tour with Swellers. Why do people continuously leave me?! It really does break my heart.
Anyway. Interesting. I wish I could say more but... maybe things will work out better if I don't say anything at all.
ALSO, Eleanor came over yesterday to visit! I'm so happy! I haven't seen her in so long and it just made me really excited to know that I have a friend who will make time for me. Thank you. I love you.
It's almost my bed time (yeah, I go to bed at 10, what of it?). So I shall be off. I'll hopefully update more now that we have the internet. Alex, Rebecca and I literally sat within two feet of each other completely silent because we were on the internet and catching up on class stuff/lurking (mostly lurking). We're winners. Really.

On another note, Lydia is fucking amazing. Listen to them. You will fall in love.
So come closer, baby... I want to... see what you're made of... see what you're made of... cause this isn't all we can be... you're not the same and I'm... I'm not the same and...

i was married

If you are asking me to marry you, please present me with this:
http://www.tiffany.ca/Shopping/Item.aspx?fromGrid=1&sku=GRP02331&mcat=148204&cid=288152&search_params=s+5-p+5-c+288152-r+501323340-x+-n+6-ri+-ni+0-t+

it started out with a kiss, how did it end up like this?

I didn't mean to get this close. I didn't mean for it to hurt or to make it harder for you to leave. You said you were ready to leave everything else behind; your family, your gym, your school, this city. The only thing you weren't ready to leave behind was me. When you said that I almost thought I had made a mistake by starting with you. I wanted to ask if it was a mistake, if I had screwed up your chances for starting new. I could have asked, but I didn't. I hope you don't regret it because I certainly don't. You are one of the most decent human beings I have ever met. You're sweet, you make me laugh, and as it turns out, we can have actual conversations without feeling stupid. And you care. That means a lot to me because most people don't give a damn at all.
The only thing is, is that I don't know how to continue on. I don't know exactly what we are. I don't know exactly if I'm supposed to wait, or if you're supposed to wait, or if we just follow along and wait for something to happen. Do we just wait and see? I don't know. I don't know how to do this. I've never had to do this. I've never been in this position and I'm confused and at the same time everything feels okay because we're not done being friends at least, and we didn't end on a bad note (just a sad one).
I don't know. Right now I'm in my room in my Guelph house waiting to feel sleepy so I can go to bed and stop everything for a little while. This past week has been so stressful. Riley left. JC left. Brooke leaves on Tuesday. I moved myself to Guelph yesterday and when I pulled up to the house, I noticed about three other groups of students moving into houses along my street and all of them - every single one - had their parents helping. My mom told friends to come over for dinner yesterday night after I had told her of my for sure moving date, so she would have only been able to come up for a little while. So I said, fuck it, I'll do it myself. I've done everything else that has to do with my house myself, so why not this?
Strangely enough I have more closet space than I know what to do with, and my kitchen now has lots of food.
Rebecca and Alex move in tomorrow. You'd think I'd be super excited, and while part of me is, a bigger part of me is homesick already. My parents, brother, grandma and cousin came down today to see my house and go for dinner for my grandma's birthday, and them leaving just made me miss home even more. I feel strange and lonely and like I can and can't do this all at the same time.
I start class on Thursday but only have one class that day and two on Friday. I guess that's not too bad. It's making it worse that Brooke has to leave again. I really, really, really don't want her to.
Speaking of Brooke, she and Natalie and I went to Che on Friday night and got awesome. And the DJ told me I was beautiful and then said "Can we make out?" to which I very lamely replied, "Uh.. maybe...." and then turned away and went outside. Fail.
Also, I just have to say that if either of these bathrooms in this house get as dirty as they were when I cleaned them, I'm fucking moving out. I almost vommed 27 times when I was cleaning them. I swear boys went pee in the dark and missed the toilet completely. Ugh.
I guess that's it.. I miss you, I miss a lot of things. I miss home. I want my mommy.

all the lace and the skin in the shop couldn't get you off

I'm sitting in the spare room waiting for pizza to be delivered. After that I'll be going over to JC's for our first photoshoot of the Photoshoot Extravaganza Weekend. I am quite excited for this because it means I'll be doing makeup, which means I'll get a much better sense of if this is the career for me. I really hope it is because I have my heart set on going to a great school in Toronto after I'm done university. Speaking of university, I move back to Guelph in exactly a week. I am thinking of going up early in the day with mom to do a bit of cleaning, at least in the bathrooms and my room and vacuum the main floor. I still have to move my clothes up. This is terrifying, living on my own. I'll also have to get groceries... oh dear.
Anyway, my New York weekend was quite awesome. Mom and I shopped at the Walden Galleria on Thursday night when we stayed in Buffalo and I bought a new pair of jeans (BDG, hell yes), a new pair of Chucks (turquoise), and a real cute pair of bronze Steve Madden sandals. The next morning we drove to the airport and flew to New York City where we met my brother at the hotel we were staying at in Queens. Queens, let me tell you, is not exactly the nicest place to stay. It's about a 20 minute train ride from Penn Station in Manhattan and is filled with immigrants and failing stores and businesses. It was, however, a great way to get a cheaper hotel instead of staying at the ones right in Manhattan. Anyway, we did a lot of bus sightseeing, saw the September 11th site, the seaport, Central Park, 5th Avenue, the Fashion District, all seven floors of Macy's plus four floors of Bloomingdales, the Body World museum, a Titanic museum, SoHo and Greenwich Village. If I ever moved to New York, I would live in Greenwich Village or SoHo, hands down. The central city was too crowded, too packed with tourists, and too overwhelming for my liking. It seemed like every time I went into a one-stall bathroom, that was my only down-time. That was the only time I was completely away from people and the grandeur of the city. I have no idea how people live right in midtown Manhattan, but I suppose eventually you get used to the hustle and bustle. I would much prefer the Village.
My brother, mom, and I all had a great time nonetheless. We have a lot of good phrases from the weekend, such as "Fuck'em if they can't take a joke", "We've been in this tunnel for a long time...", and "Charlie's Brown teacher". It was nice to be able to laugh with them and be a family. Too bad my dad didn't get to come, but I somehow have a feeling that he might not have enjoyed it as much as we did. The picture I posted above is of my brother, mom, and I in Central Park on a bridge with the city in the background. How cute is that?! It has to be my favourite family photo.
Other than that, Brooke came home! I am so thankful and happy, even if it's just for a little while. I missed her more than she could even fathom. Brooke, Natalie, and I went to Subway and then saw Julie & Julia (which is very adorable and quite funny, I highly recommend it!) on Wednesday. It was just so great to see them and hang out with my old friends. It's nice to know that I have them even if we don't see each other that often.
After the movie, I went to Motown with Riley and some of his friends from school. It was an interesting experience. We both got kind of (really) awesome and danced the night away. And then we walked up to Hess and got a cab back to my place. The next day we went on an awesome walk through the trails and out to the horse farm. It was such a beautiful day and such a pleasant walk.
Anyway, I don't really know what else to say. I cleaned my house today which was a big job. I'm sore and sleepy, but excited for the shoot tonight.
Also, it still hurts, but not as much as it used to.
PS: You pose like a girl. Man the fuck up.

new york city

Englewood, up to no good. ANGLEwood, home of the protractor.

Just a small snippet of a great conversation with my brother.
Wfuckingin. (Figure that one out.)

i'm guessing you are over me, i guess it's bravery

I leave tomorrow for Buffalo, stay over night, then leave for New York City the next day.
It's kind of surreal, I didn't think this would happen any time soon even though I wanted it so, so badly. Unfortunately, I'm spending the rest of my money on this trip and desperately need a job. There's just something about mooching off my parents that I absolutely hate. They've supported me this far, I should be able to figure the rest out myself. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate it more than I could express. I've never had to suffer because I didn't have enough money, enough food, enough clothes, enough anything. I've always essentially gotten anything I wanted (which hasn't been nearly as much as I could have gotten), but I want to do this myself now. The second I get a job, no matter how petty the pay is, I'm supporting myself (other than rent and the rest of my tuition because I think my school funds are just about gone after first year). I'll make sacrifices, I'll stop buying, I'll be economical, I'll figure it out. I just don't want to rely on them for everything anymore. Too many children rely on their parents.
Other than that, I don't know. I always have these big, elaborate, elegant, profound thoughts that I want to remember but never seem to be able to. Even when I do, when I go to write it down, it doesn't come out right.
I guess something I've been meaning to talk about is this summer. It's let me down. Maybe I let it down, too. I don't know what else to do with myself. I failed at getting a job, my best friend left, my heart got broken, and some people showed me that they weren't as good and nice as I had thought. I still don't have a job, my best friend still isn't home (til the weekend, when I'll be gone), my heart still hurts far more than it should, and the people still put up the front that they're good and nice.
I just dislike it when people are so fucking see-through. It's like, don't give me that shit, I can see that fucking burger that you had for dinner being digested you're so fucking transparent. I also dislike how I accept these people for more than they really are, for their potential, not what they really are. Then again, I also dislike the way I feel most of the time.
I also REALLY dislike the word "supper". It's dinner. Shut the fuck up.

I'm lonely and kind of angry and kind of upset and I leave tomorrow and I should be excited and in a way I'm too excited to sleep which is why I'm still awake now but it's awful because I feel like crap and one person I thought I could turn to turns out that I really couldn't.
I read too much James Frey.

I'm tasting nothing but four words: "Please don't leave me."

No pants party.
Come join.

And everything stops.

I'm watching the Little Mermaid.

Hi.

at the bottom

Wait, watched you through out your bouquet
Now I think about you everyday
I'm alone now in my bed

And there's a lake and at the bottom you'll find all our friends
They don't swim cause they're all dead
We never are what we intend or invent

Cause I make little lies and then I pull them apart
Think something dark's living down in my heart
And if I wanted to die before I got old
I should have started some years ago digging that hole

Well, I carry this box to the proper place
And when I lower it down, I let you fade away
I hope that you would do this for me
I'd serve you drugs on a silver plate
If I thought it would help you get away
I hope that you would do this for me

A deer that a hunter shot in the heart
Some dogs that got hit by cars
All came to spill their guts
And we spoke about the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost
And which songs we had loved the most
And then we all turned to dirt
And dust

Some men die under the mountain just looking for gold
Some die looking for a hand to hold

Well, I carry this box to its proper place
And when I lower it down, I let you fade away
I know that you would do this for me
I'd serve you drugs on a silver plate
If I thought it would help you get away
I hope that you would do this for me

I'm slowly bringing you down from the heavenly gates
Now I'm drowning in the flood I made
Well, explain myself to me on the other side
I'll watch from Heaven when I die

Well, I carry this box to the proper place
And when I lower it down, I let you fade away
I know that you would do this for me
I'd serve you drugs on a silver plate
If I thought it would help you get away
I hope that you would do this for me

---------------

My parents had their anniversary party on Saturday. It went very well and everyone had a great time. JC came to take pictures which was good because then I had someone to hang out with. We did this thing called a "sand ceremony" for my parent's rededication and renewal of vows. My mom, dad, brother, and me all picked a jar of coloured sand and poured it into a heart-shaped jar and it made a beautiful design. It symbolizes that we're four very different people but we come together as a family. Then the minister read tributes that my parents had written each other without the other reading them, so the first time they heard the tributes to one another was during the ceremony. They were both cute, heartfelt, and funny. I think both of my parents got teary-eyed during this which made me smile. It was beautiful. Everyone showed up and seemed to have a good time and my mom was very, very happy. That's all that matters.
Unfortunately, the next day my two-day migraine turned into a full-blown fever/headache/no appetite/achey-all-over flu. It lasted til today but I am feeling much better. I think my fever has finally broken which is great, but I'm eating again and my head doesn't hurt as much and my back feels better.
Riley came over today. It was sweet. He bussed all the way from the east mountain down to Dundas just to have tea with my sick butt. I was touched, really. So we had tea and sat outside for a bit, and he showed me magic tricks, and we had more tea and watched Finding Nemo and then I drove him home so he didn't have to take the bus back. It was a good hangout, just very laid back and chill. I liked it.
On a great great great note, I am going to New York next weekend! I'm so excited. I've been bugging Mom for years and, more adamantly this summer. Since my brother is going down for work, we're staying with him at his hotel so his company can foot the bill (haha). So all we have to pay is our flight and whatever we do down there. I'm so stoked. We're going to see the Guggenheim and the MoMA... or maybe the Met! And I'm going to walk down Fifth Avenue with a coffee and a danish and eat it outside of Tiffany&Co. No joke. I'll seriously do it and get photo evidence of this. I'm just so excited, I can't wait to go!
I think that's all I have to say. Did I mention that I got my ticket to see Brand New in November? I wanted to go to both dates but could not get a ticket for the first night. Go figure, it's a Saturday. That explains it.
By the way, Brand New's new song (lyrics up there ^^) is really good. I can't wait for the album.
I like nice people, a lot.

PS: The Time Traveler's Wife comes out on Friday! :)

time

I went for tea with Anto last night. It was really nice. We had really good talks and he's so down-to-earth. We also listened to a few songs off of his band's new album and it sounds MINT. No kidding. I'm excited for the full album. There's this one song that is absolutely beautiful. Wait til you hear it. You'll smile/cry.
We also had a long talk about people and how you think you know someone but you never really fully do. Good people are capable of the nastiest things and even though that doesn't make them all-around bad people, it changes how we see them; how we love them. It changes everything.
And he told me to forget you. To move on. That it's not easy and it takes a long time but in retrospect if you waste too much time on one person who so clearly doesn't deserve it, that you end up regretting it. He said it in such a way that I believed him. That made me WANT to forget you now. I'm tired of being sad. I'm tired of not trusting people anymore and not opening up to them because I'm afraid of being fucked over again. I'm tired of wasting my life on you. Like you said, "you are nothing." You're really, truly not. Not anymore.
I'm stronger than this and even if it took another boy to convince me of it, it worked. I'm officially done, whether my heart is done or not. My head is making the decision this time. It's saying, "Go fuck yourself."
Thank you Anto.

You'd call this weather "bittersweet".



I looked over my shoulder, and I swear to God, you were there.

but you've already lost

I went to the drive-in last night with Riley. We stayed for three movies. It was nice. It was the latest I've ever stayed out. I didn't get home until 4:30 in the morning, which was kind of cool. It's amazing how much the world changes in the early hours of the morning. I forgot about that.

I went to Oma's today and it was actually a good visit. I had coffee with her and told her about the weekend and going dancing, and she told me that she and Opa used to go to dances, but Opa didn't dance. Oma loved to go though. I hope the picture I have in my head of her being beautiful and dancing is right. Or close to right. It makes me smile to think of it, to know that she had youth and happiness and above all, love. It's nice to know that she's still the same woman she was when I was younger. It's just buried very deeply behind time.

"I loved what I pretended she was - what I wanted her to be. But now I see her as she really is, and I'm too old to find someone else...I'm not really in love with her any more, but I can't break the habit. It sneaks up on you - the habit. And after all emotion is gone and logic takes over, the habit is still there. For the rest of your life. So don't you start building any habit. He's not wasting a moment thinking about you. Believe me. And you have to stop thinking about him."

weekend world

Earlier in the week: Guelph and saw EILEEN :D (ily), saw Oma (not good..), photoshoot with JC for FailSafe (all very nice boys, yay!) and did some studio shots myself as well. I'm excited to see them! Then...
Friday: a little drunk, went out to Che with Riley (who did not drink and drove instead) and it was delightful. I saw Rebecca Raine and she cut her hair all off and it looks fabulous! It was a good night.
Saturday: painted doors outside for hours and hours, hated the sun for much of it. Went to Riley's, Riley got drunk, I drove. We hit up Frat House and Anto was there! Dancing with Becky France :) (cute girl, jeeeeez). Then went to Che (bad dj and crowd, ugh), then went to Riley's friend's apartment to hang out for a bit. Then drove Riley home and came home and slept. (Kind of upset, got let down again. Lame.)
Sunday: finished painting doors outside, showered, read, napped, grandma and grandpa came over for a visit, now parentals are making dinner. After I am going to the drive in with Riley. I've never been to the drive in and I am excited.
Tomorrow: going to Diane's for Phantom of the Opera, then out for coffee with Anto (providing somewhere with coffee is open due to holidayness).

Also, I am going to Brand New both days in November if I can get tickets. I'm so, so, so excited. I simply cannot wait. It shall be the best $82 I will ever spend. Hoorah.

Also, it doesn't hurt so much anymore, but I still think of you a lot (but not as much as I did)...(but sometimes when I close my eyes, I still see your face).

Also, talked to mom about moving to Paris when I'm done school and she's stoked for me. I am going on an exchange next year hopefully for a semester to Paris to see how I like it. So excited!

Also, I need new clothes as I gave away/threw out many of mine and am going on another clothing purge soon. If you want anything of mine, tell me now.

Also, I miss horseback riding a lot. It feels like a piece of me is missing. Maybe I can scrape together $60 and go for a lesson.

Also, without you I don't sleep, just dream...