i'm guessing you are over me, i guess it's bravery

I leave tomorrow for Buffalo, stay over night, then leave for New York City the next day.
It's kind of surreal, I didn't think this would happen any time soon even though I wanted it so, so badly. Unfortunately, I'm spending the rest of my money on this trip and desperately need a job. There's just something about mooching off my parents that I absolutely hate. They've supported me this far, I should be able to figure the rest out myself. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate it more than I could express. I've never had to suffer because I didn't have enough money, enough food, enough clothes, enough anything. I've always essentially gotten anything I wanted (which hasn't been nearly as much as I could have gotten), but I want to do this myself now. The second I get a job, no matter how petty the pay is, I'm supporting myself (other than rent and the rest of my tuition because I think my school funds are just about gone after first year). I'll make sacrifices, I'll stop buying, I'll be economical, I'll figure it out. I just don't want to rely on them for everything anymore. Too many children rely on their parents.
Other than that, I don't know. I always have these big, elaborate, elegant, profound thoughts that I want to remember but never seem to be able to. Even when I do, when I go to write it down, it doesn't come out right.
I guess something I've been meaning to talk about is this summer. It's let me down. Maybe I let it down, too. I don't know what else to do with myself. I failed at getting a job, my best friend left, my heart got broken, and some people showed me that they weren't as good and nice as I had thought. I still don't have a job, my best friend still isn't home (til the weekend, when I'll be gone), my heart still hurts far more than it should, and the people still put up the front that they're good and nice.
I just dislike it when people are so fucking see-through. It's like, don't give me that shit, I can see that fucking burger that you had for dinner being digested you're so fucking transparent. I also dislike how I accept these people for more than they really are, for their potential, not what they really are. Then again, I also dislike the way I feel most of the time.
I also REALLY dislike the word "supper". It's dinner. Shut the fuck up.

I'm lonely and kind of angry and kind of upset and I leave tomorrow and I should be excited and in a way I'm too excited to sleep which is why I'm still awake now but it's awful because I feel like crap and one person I thought I could turn to turns out that I really couldn't.
I read too much James Frey.

I'm tasting nothing but four words: "Please don't leave me."