this is twice now

I've started this blog over about ten times already and I still don't know how to word what I want to say.
I guess I'll just say it.

1. I miss you, I want you here, I need you here, please come home because a big part of the reason I've been so upset lately is because one of the only people who would actually make time for me isn't here. I miss you. I miss our heart-to-hearts. There's so much I want to tell you, need to tell you, so much that has been going on in my life and I know you're busy too and I want to hear all about it. My heart absolutely breaks when I think about all the time we've spent apart the past year and when I think about having to stand another almost-year of it until you're back here. I just miss you a lot. I understand why you're doing what you're doing, why you are where you are, but I just miss you.

2. I still think I'm in love with you and I still think about you every single day. I swear I try to get angry about it all and I try to forget you. It just never works. And nothing helps. I drove by your street on the weekend on the bus and I was hopeful, then nostalgic, then upset. When I left, I was disappointed. I wanted to see you, even if it would have absolutely destroyed me, just to know that you are okay. A big part of me hoped that we would cross paths at some point and you would talk to me, or smile at me, or even just stare. Just to tell me that you haven't forgotten. I certainly haven't forgotten you.

3. This is the hardest thing I've had to go through. I miss you and how you used to be and I know you can't help it. I know you don't realize it, but it kills me so completely whenever I have to be with you or hear from you. It sounds awful but I hope you go sooner than later, because this is degenerative and it's only going to get worse. My worst fear is that you are going to forget me. Please, please. If you can remember one thing, remember who your family is. Remember that we love you. Remember that we're here for you, we're taking care of you, we won't ever forget the person you are. And please remember the promise you made me when I was little.
"How long will you live for?"
"I'll make you a promise. I promise that I will dance at your wedding."
I'm holding you to that.

4. Help.