all i see (scares me)

It wasn't exactly what I wanted to hear, but it was something.
And that counts for everything.












And yet I still feel alone.
(I miss you more and more every day.)

dreaming

Sent it.
Almost cried.
Shaking.
But thank you God, I have all I need and I'm doing fine.

saltwater taffy

I have at the very least two boys trying to pick me up. One knows about you, the other doesn't.
The thing is, I'm still waiting for you. Let's hope this doesn't fuck up because by then I'm sure I'll have lost my chance with anyone else.
(Please hurry back home.)

i'll be okay cause i've got the stars

I'm done midterms for this month. I was so stoked to come home and just hang out with some of the greatest people and not have to study or worry or be stressed. And then I got in the car when my dad picked me up on Friday and he just said, "Grandpa's in the hospital." I don't know what to do, I told myself it was fine, but it obviously bothers me a lot more than I let on.
Friday night after dinner I went to Eric's and tried to feel better about everything. It was going well until I left and drove Graeme home. We sat in his driveway, a person that I had just met five hours before, and talked about a lot of things. And he gave me a hug and it was just instant tears. Instant.
I don't know what it was, but I felt something just radiating from him. It felt good to know I wasn't alone in whatever it is I am dealing with and that there are other good people out there, just like me. Maybe it was a type of love; the kind that I seem to radiate and scare everyone off with. It just felt comforting to know I'm not the only one. When he was about to get out of the car, I said, "Let's promise each other that we'll find nice people." And he said, "I've already found someone nice. And I didn't have to look far, either."
How nice. Really. I appreciate that conversation with a perfect stranger more than most things in this world.

Yesterday I went to Toronto with Eleanor, Marcio and Chelsea to visit Sabrina. River joined us for dinner at Fresh which is an amazing vegan restaurant. So good. It was just one of the greatest visits ever. It was so nice to be with some of the greatest people I know. We had a great time laughing and having uncomfortable car rides with six people, and visiting a sweet candy store and multiple coffee shops. And I got to feel Rya kick! Sabrina is due so soon! I'm so excited, ah! It was so nice to just sit and talk and laugh and feel okay. It was nice to have some reinforce what I am feeling and thinking.
Ugh, I wish I didn't have to be so cryptic about this but I really do have to be. I don't want this to fall apart. I want this to work so bad. I know I've said it...and this is my test... but I need this.

Daddy made me soup today. Oma is freaking out. Grandpa is still in the hospital. I need to go back to Guelph at some point either today or tomorrow. I have some of the greatest friends in the world.
And I still (still) miss you.

still.

Why do I miss you the most late at night while I'm listening to sad songs?
Songs are only as sad as the listener.
I still remember your arms. Your eyes. I can hear your voice in my head. It rings and rings and sings.
And I miss it. I miss you. I miss how you picked me up, how you said "I'm thinking of you, and how I've really come to like you". That still echoes through my mind and my heart, repeating repeatedly. It's always on repeat.
And then you got up to leave. And you left and you're not back. I'm not back.
I've told myself that I'm over you, that I don't need you. I've told myself I've moved on. And I am moving on.
It's just slow. It's so, painfully slow.
I think it takes years to finally find peace. To finally not feel anything other than nothing.
Like I did with her, my old best friend. It stopped hurting a while ago, a long while ago. Sometimes I still think about her, but it doesn't hurt anymore. But it took years.
This will too, won't it?
Years, and other people, and new friends, and new lovers.
Because you were the one I could see myself with. I don't know what it was about you, but I loved you.
And as much as I tell myself I'm not in love with you, late at night, when I open up, and stop breathing, I still love you.
When it all comes down to it, I still love you.

(Bambi.)

some things i've found over the course of the day

When you're awake at four a.m. and you don't miss anyone, then you know that you've been gone for too long, and you just don't want to.
Or that there's no one really there to miss or think about.
And you realize that you haven't been gone...but just alone for too long.

Love me, because love doesn't exist, and I have tried everything that does.





It's the tragedy of loving, you can't love anything more than something you miss.

She had fallen in love so many times that she began to suspect she was not falling in love at all, but doing something much more ordinary.

I like to see people reunited, I like to see people run to each other, I like the kissing and crying, I like the impatience, the stories that the mouth can't tell fast enough, the ears that aren't big enough, the eyes that can't take in all of the change, I like the hugging, the bringing together, the end of missing someone.

this is it

In class, freaking out a little, but calming down.
Finished two midterms, one right after the other.
I have never thought, or written that fast in my entire life.
Late night study sesh tonight with Florida and Jailbait.
You're back in town but I probably won't see you.
But it's nice to know that you're close by (because you're getting close to my heart).
Michelle is lovely and is taking notes for me so I don't have to and can destress a little.
Then lunch at the Bullring with her, and gushing about cute things.
Sweet baby Jesus, my bum hurts a whole lot from sitting for three and a half hours.

I need tea and sustenance.

Also, I miss my kitty a whole lot and wish I had one to keep me company.

Write more later.

PS: Come play.

PPS: I still think about you. And it still hurts. But only sometimes.

love, it takes time, it takes time

Time.
It's something that we take for granted.
"I'm sorry, I don't have time."
"We don't have time to do that."
"You don't have time to say hello, keep going."
"Don't slow down, there's no time."
And even when you try to make time, you're not really making time. You're simply hoping that something changes so you can pencil something else in and make it work.
You better wake up, you'd better start making the time, because before you know it the person you were always trying to make time for won't be around anymore. Maybe they'll be in another country, maybe they'll have moved on from your life, maybe they'll be dead.
The idea is to stop trying, and start doing. Stop everything once in a while. You do have the time. It's not the end of the world if you're late for school, or work, or volunteering one time. It's not the end of the world if you get up off your ass and go out into the world and smile and say hello to someone, hold a door for someone, say thank you, say please. You are not too busy for common courtesy.
It takes time. So make time.
To laugh, to dance alone, to breathe.
For them, for this, for yourself.
For love.

bebe

I feel emotions very intensely. I am a very intense person. And I realize this probably scares off many people. Those of you who are able to deal with those intense emotions (and even reciprocate them), I appreciate you more than you know. Those of you who freak out and run away, I'm (intensely) sorry.

That aside, this weekend has been alright. JC and I went out for lunch today which was absolutely lovely. I love that boy to the moon and back, no word of a lie. He is my best friend and I'm so thankful I have him in my life. He never ceases to amaze me and can always make me laugh. :)
Last night I went to Brooke's to see her and Lucie. We watched Pirates of the Caribbean 3 and Mulan 2 (oh, Disney). Grandma is coming down to Lucie's this weekend and I think I am staying in Guelph, so I might go over and visit! I'm excited, I haven't seen Grandma in so long! And I got to talk to Auntie Margie on the phone for a little bit last night too. Ah, my second family. I love them to bits and pieces. I'm sad Brooke has to leave again today but I know she'll be back soon, and it seems like our relationship is stronger than ever which makes me so happy. I'm so lucky to have best friends who are as good to me as Brooke and JC.
My family came over yesterday too for lunch and it was great. No spazzes and no arguments. It was just pleasant and nice (even though I had to do dishes by hand for an hour straight).
Saturday I went to the mall with Brooke and Diane and it was great. I love Diane. I love the Food Friends. I love my girls.
Anyway, I need to study, the boy is cute but I miss him and I'm still hoping it works. I hope so, I hope so, I hope so.

To me, you are perfect.

play crack the sky

We sent out the S.O.S. call. It was quarter past four in the morning when the storm broke our second anchor line. Four months at sea. Four months of calm seas, onto to be pounded in the shallows off the tip of Montauk Point. They call 'em rogues. They travel fast and alone. One hundred foot faces of God's good ocean gone wrong.
What they call love is a risk, 'cause you always get hit out of no where by some wave and end up on your own.
A hole in the hull defied the crew's attempts to bail us out, and flooded the engines and radio, and half buried bow. Your tongue is a rudder; it steers the whole ship, sends your words past your lips, or keeps them safe behind your teeth. But the wrong words will strand you. Come off course while you sleep. Sweep your boat out to sea, or dashed to bits on the reef. The vessel groans, the ocean pressures its frame. To the port I see the lighthouse through the sleet and the rain.
And I wish for one more day to give my love and repay debts, but the morning finds our bodies washed up thirty miles west.
They say that the captain stays fast with the ship, through still and storm. But this ain't the Dakota and the water's cold; we won't have to fight for long.
This story's old but it goes on and on until we disappear. Calm me and let me taste the salt you breathe while you were underneath. I am the one who haunts your dreams of mountains sunk below the sea. I spoke the words but never gave a thought to what they all could mean. I know that this is what you want. A funeral keeps both of us apart. You know that you are not alone. I need you like water in my lungs.
This is the end. This is the calm. We are the risen. After the storm. Rest in the sea. Washed up on the beach. This is the end.

please, i'm begging you

Please please please please please please please don't let it fall apart.




You're bringing back the new, and it's absolutely killing me.

playing god

You don't have to believe me, but the way I, way I see it: Next time you point a finger, I might have to bend it back and break it, break it off. Next time you point a finger, I'll point you to the mirror.

I'm home for the weekend. I really, REALLY want to go out to either Hess or Absinthe but I don't think that's going to happen. I went to sleep at 9:30 last night and slept for twelve hours. It was lovely. I saw Brooke and Diane today, I met them at the mall and we had a good time. I missed them a lot. I miss my friends whenever I'm away from them. Other than that, I have three midterms in two days next week and I haven't started studying. Great. I need to do some of that.
Anyway, I'm still really stoked on you. I can't wait until you come home. But really, I can wait and I am waiting. It's my test and I'm feeling good about it. I feel old enough and mature enough to do it. I'm going to be okay.
I think this is exactly, exactly what I need. I need a break and waiting for something like you is just what I need.

PS: I miss you.

incredible words

What can I say? I'm a sucker for this whole romantic scene.

Cuddles, chats, kisses, and Ghostbusters.

I WAS WRONG :)


Hi :)

................today??







Maybe I was right.






PS: finished the midterm in fifteen minutes. Aced. Who fucking cares anymore.

today.

Today :)

here's to you

And Alexander McQueen blows me away once again.
His new spring/summer 2010 line is fabulously gorgeous. The squiggly shoes are fantastic, although the other point shoes look like they're out of some space age alien movie. They are, however, still sleekly beautiful in a strange sort of sense. I loved the first black outfit. The tights were lovely, definitely something I would buy and wear on a regular basis. I also loved the runway. It was so creative with the two cameras on tracks that the girls walked around. The backdrop was interesting as well; girls with snakes mid-orgasm is what it looked like. Hell yes. I just love McQueen.

Space Age Shoes (two outside, middle are slightly squiggly):


Squiggly Shoes (essentially like this, but with a squiggly platform as well):


Anyway, I am stressed out about my midterm tomorrow and nervous for tomorrow tomorrow. I keep feeling like it's not going to happen, like you're going to cancel or bail or just not come. I hope that's not the case because I'm essentially wearing my heart on my sleeve at the moment and it will be intensely crushed if something is to go wrong.
I don't know what else to write, other than I have to do some more studying. I don't want to, but I don't know what else to do. I am not a science student; why does university insist that I take two science or math classes and actually pass them?
I'll stick to art, thankyouverymuch.

tomorrow

Tomorrow.

lasting

Up the stairs, the station where
the act becomes the art of growing up.

I have a headache. I successfully completely midterm number one, and possibly owned it. I am tired -- drained, actually -- and back to studying for nutrition which I have been neglecting (avoiding) and is on Wednesday.
But... Wednesday! I can't wait, I can't wait. I'm so excited. I was so shocked when you asked. I just smiled and literally squealed out loud. I was so happy. I still AM so happy. This is what is getting me through until Wednesday. After that, I don't know what will get me through. Maybe if you come home again and ask. Maybe if you just ask.

"But for now, let me say, without hope or agenda, to me, you are perfect."

---------------



My grandfather has slept on a couch for the past twenty years.

I've never asked why, but I think I know.

(Please let love be able to last forever.)

sup

He's just so cuuuuuuute, ahhhhhgahhhhhhhhhhh my life.






Also, mama bought me new boots and they are the loves of my life. And new jeans (so I now own five pairs of pants!), and new bras and underwear.
Stoked!
Dad's 50th on Monday. Hoorah.

the apology project

Nuit Blanche:
Maria Legault's The Apology Project
Fifty-five people in paper bags spend the night apologizing to strangers.
Liberty Market Building Atrium Corridor, 171 East Liberty Street.





[I'm sorry.]

the only exception

When I was younger, I saw my daddy cry and curse at the wind. He broke his own heart and I watched as he tried to reassemble it. And my momma swore that she would never let herself forget, and that was the day I promised I'd never sing of love if it does not exist. But darling, you are the only exception. You are the only exception. Maybe I know somewhere deep in my soul that love never lasts and we've got to find other ways to make it alone or keep a straight face. And I've always lived like this, keeping a comfortable distance. And up until now, I had sworn to myself that I'm content with loneliness. Because none of it was every worth the risk, but you are the only exception. You are the only exception. I've got a tight grip on reality but I can't let go of what's in front of me here. I know you're leaving in the morning when you wake up. Leave me with some kind of proof that it's not a dream. Oh, you are the only exception. You are the only exception. And I'm on my way to believing. Oh, and I'm on my way to believing.

fragility

I feel fragile.

the old songs must be hard to believe

If I'm not at your house in twenty seconds flat, there's something wrong.


I'm waiting for class, sitting in a hallway with some of the most interesting people I have ever had in a class before.
I feel like such a dork blogging while sitting here, but I think I'm slightly addicted to blogging.
I think I should blog for a living. Who will pay for this stuff? I'll be all over that!
I have coffee, I slept like crap last night, but I talked to some great people before I went to bed and that made it okay.
I have to study for midterms ASAP, but I think I'm going to end up cramming on the weekend.
Or later today in my room, maybe.
I'm almost done my Greek assignment. I actually swallowed my pride yesterday and went to the library for help.
You know I really care about something when I ask for help.
I can't remember the last time I asked for help, unless it was for help with my depression and anxiety.

Other than that, I read your letter to your beautiful girl, and I sat there and cried because you deserve so much and you get so little.
If you feel like letting go, just hold on, because one day all of this is going to be worth it.
You'll see the reason, clear as day, the moment you hold her in your arms.
Just hold on. I'll be here to remind you if you ever forget.
I've got a rope around you, just hang out for a little, but don't forget to come back.
You deserve every bit of good in your life. Be happy, be strong, for her and for yourself.


This one's for you.