this is twice now

I've started this blog over about ten times already and I still don't know how to word what I want to say.
I guess I'll just say it.

1. I miss you, I want you here, I need you here, please come home because a big part of the reason I've been so upset lately is because one of the only people who would actually make time for me isn't here. I miss you. I miss our heart-to-hearts. There's so much I want to tell you, need to tell you, so much that has been going on in my life and I know you're busy too and I want to hear all about it. My heart absolutely breaks when I think about all the time we've spent apart the past year and when I think about having to stand another almost-year of it until you're back here. I just miss you a lot. I understand why you're doing what you're doing, why you are where you are, but I just miss you.

2. I still think I'm in love with you and I still think about you every single day. I swear I try to get angry about it all and I try to forget you. It just never works. And nothing helps. I drove by your street on the weekend on the bus and I was hopeful, then nostalgic, then upset. When I left, I was disappointed. I wanted to see you, even if it would have absolutely destroyed me, just to know that you are okay. A big part of me hoped that we would cross paths at some point and you would talk to me, or smile at me, or even just stare. Just to tell me that you haven't forgotten. I certainly haven't forgotten you.

3. This is the hardest thing I've had to go through. I miss you and how you used to be and I know you can't help it. I know you don't realize it, but it kills me so completely whenever I have to be with you or hear from you. It sounds awful but I hope you go sooner than later, because this is degenerative and it's only going to get worse. My worst fear is that you are going to forget me. Please, please. If you can remember one thing, remember who your family is. Remember that we love you. Remember that we're here for you, we're taking care of you, we won't ever forget the person you are. And please remember the promise you made me when I was little.
"How long will you live for?"
"I'll make you a promise. I promise that I will dance at your wedding."
I'm holding you to that.

4. Help.

Some days I just get so depressed that I can't even function. Some days I can't get out of bed. Some days I can't leave the house. Some days I leave the house when I shouldn't and my mind works on overdrive and I think about shitty things like being hit by a car or getting into an accident or falling into the street or having a light post fall over and kill me. Even worse is when I think about watching other people get hurt. That might be even worse.

I hate thinking sometimes.

Toronto, hangouts, JC, Riley, Toronto, Eleanor, Rebecca/Amanda/Alex.
Guelph on Tuesday.
Embassy on Saturday?

Swim for your family your lovers your sisters and brothers and friends.

ava adore

I have to call my grandma, I have to call the doctor, I have to pay my tuition bill, I have to drink this coffee, I have to do laundry, I have to do the dishes, I have to clean my townhouse, I have to go get groceries, I have to take my oma for groceries, I have to laugh, I slept on a couch last night and I didn't think about you, I have to read this book and it warms and breaks my heart all at the same time, I'm eating a cookie that I made last night with mom, I have to ask you "Why didn't we ever date?" because it seemed so logical to do so, I have to take my medicine, I have to go to my townhouse and live for a little while.
I want to go out drinking, I want to have sex, I want to be angry at you, I want a pair of Christian Louboutin and Marc Jacobs shoes, and maybe a pair of Michael Kors (definitely a pair of Michael Kors), I want you to be here when the movie comes out so we can go see it together, I want to know why we didn't ever date because it seemed so logical to do so, I want a venti non-fat caramel macchiato, I want to lose weight, I want to go to yoga, I want to move, I want to live in Toronto, New York, Paris, Rome, Sydney, Tokyo, I want you to travel with me, I want to travel with you, I want to cry, I want you to stay, I want to go, I want I want I want, I want to be something big (but skinny).

More than anything, I want to stop being in love with someone who is so clearly and obviously terrible for me.

I absolutely can't help it.

I still love you despite everything that's happened.

I don't know how, I don't know why, all I know is that I'm desperately in love with you. And maybe it's because I can't have you, and people always seem to want what they can't have. All I know is that my days are empty without you. My heart doesn't exist without you. I gave it to you and you took it, but when you were done you didn't give it back. You still have it. And a very big part of me hopes that you keep it so that I always know what love feels like, even if it hurts this much.
You're still all I see, you're still all I think about, you're still all I dream about. So what's the point in sleeping? I can't even get away from you in my sleep.
I wish to God that you didn't ever look at me or touch me the way you did. I wish you didn't ask, "What are you thinking?" And I wish that when I asked the same question, you didn't say, "About you, and how much I've actually come to like you." I still hear your voice and see your face in my head. Your eyes are beautiful; they always have been.
I think you're gone because you never had someone say, "If you need anything, I will drop everything." I was willing to. I meant it when I said it. And I think you're afraid, and I think that you think you're bad luck. That everyone you get close to dies or goes away or pulls back. I wouldn't have. I have never been sure about much of anything in my life, but I'm sure about that.
I was sure about you.

And eventually, I know it will stop hurting this much.
Eventually, I'll stop thinking about you every morning when I wake up and every night before I fall to sleep.
One day a long time from now, I know I'll look back and I'll feel nothing and peaceful at the same time.
I know one day this will be okay.
But for the time being, it's not okay.
Not at all.

i see arizona stars from here

But Peter Pan is miles away.

Umm.. I haven't updated in a while.
I went to Toronto with JC on Wednesday. Got a sweet sparkly tube bra and a new mini skirt, and an oversized tank for FIVE DOLLARS at UO. That is the least amount of money I have ever spent in that store. I am amazed/amazing.
We met up with Neil and found Kensington market and I was impressed at all of the vintageness of it. I have never been. It was fantastic and my life ended up being very complete. Minus the fact that I didn't buy anything.
I am hurting for money right now and I don't want to rely on my parents because they're already paying my rent and my school. I need a job. Badly.
Tonight I'm going to see Harry Potter with Diane and Natalie. Except, I don't like Harry Potter at all. I've only seen the first two movies and read the first book (because I had to for school in grade seven). I will be horribly, terribly confused and lost. I'm hoping Diane can clear this movie up for me. I want to go because I haven't seen/hung out with them in so long and I miss their beautiful love.
Tomorrow I am going to Riley's to have dinner, chocolate fondue, and watch Across the Universe. Possibly Hess after, but I don't know. It depends how late it gets.
I need to fucking start sleeping again. I never sleep anymore. I've seen four in the morning so many times these past few weeks it's ridiculous.

I have never felt more alone in my life than when I was in Toronto.

be careful of how you lick your wounds

Done Guelph room mostly.
Dumped lots of garbage in the university's dumpster with Rebecca.
Had good chats.
Love my room, want to move in ASAP.
Cell phone bill was expensive.
Credit card bill was not expensive.
Going shopping in Toronto tomorrow with JC and Neil.
Super stoked, going to spend money and go on a photo adventure.
Mom and Dad are happy about my hanging out with JC.
Need to lose weight, stop eating carbs.
Miss yoga a lot.
Really digging Silversun Pickups lately.
Brother is gone for 10 days to L.A.
Missing traveling immensely.

And yes, still in love with you.

this isn't the first time i've been to this place

The world before me, the wall behind me.
I don't know which side I'm on.
But it's the right one for me.
I'll take my time now.
I'll sing my heart out.
Now I know, the strings that held me down have come undone, I'm on my way.
This isn't the first time I've been to this place.
But it's the last time I'll be afraid of anything.
And so the next time you look at my face, know it's the last time you'll ever get to question me on my broken legs.

---

Bloggy is being really dumb today and not letting me upload photos. Sorry, no photo today.

Finished painting in Guelph House. Moved my desk, my Paris picture, and a dresser up. One more dresser to go, plus my bed and a mattress and possibly a bookshelf.
Still needed: TV, kitchen chairs, garbage cans, cleaning products, kleenex and toilet paper, food, MOAR GLITTER, and a very big cleaning.
If anyone has any ideas of what I still need for this house, please let me know. Us four girls are bound to forget something.

I hung out with Riley last night. It was nice. It's nice to have someone who, even though they're really busy, can make time for me multiple times a week. Thank you. Serenade me again with your guitar one day.

Tonight I am going to see Bruno with JC. I'm stoked! I miss JC a whole lot.

A girl told me she'd go gay for me. I'm flattered. How nice!

And on those endless drives, you're still the only one I think about (and I desperately wish you weren't).

i drag you down i use you up

Saw the Stills last night at Rokbar. That venue is pretty swanky. Not bad. Not something you'd expect on Hess.
Anyway, Hollerado played first and they're pretty sweet. They definitely won me over.
Then I got caffeine. Then the Stills played and they were awesome, as usual. Stills count: numero cinq.
I got home around two and passed out around three.

I am going up to Guelph with mom today to finish painting and move some stuff up. Tomorrow I am bringing the rest of my stuff up and getting my bed and mattress. I'm excited to get my room straightened away and start cleaning up the house. I can't wait to move in. I'm sick of being home.

I wish I had a mad wavy weave.

Also, there is a fly in the kitchen that has been around for five days now. When the hell do these things die? Fuck my life.

"Would you be gentle to me?"
"Of course!"
*BEEP*
"...Sorry."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

mrs. self-destruct

You don't even remotely remind me of him, but somehow he's all I think of when I'm with you.

hey! is that a ninja up there?

Is it bad that I have the strongest urge to pour the rest of my coffee on my cell phone?

Also, I hate it when I wake up in the morning to a sink and countertop full of dishes, and have to empty the dishwasher and then load it again, and it gets to be so full that I can't fit all the dirty dishes in it so I have to run it twice.
I will be emptying this thing a total of three times today, I just know it.

I wish I had a job in Paris.
I haven't eaten anything yet today.
I miss yoga but I'm going tonight I think.
What am I going to do when I move to Guelph?

I wish my life was getting started already. I'm sick of just sitting here in the middle of it and not being able to do anything.

It's cloudy today and I miss you.

i would go out tonight, but i haven't got a stitch to wear

So I had a date yesterday. It was nice. We went vintage/antique shopping and had a picnic and walked around a conservation area. And we drove in a convertible with the top down (and I tanned a bit more! How great is that?!).
I like it because I haven't been talking to this boy online at all. Just texts and phone calls and yesterday, in person. I think I like it better this way, because people online have some strange courage in them, probably because they don't have to actually look the person they're talking to in the face. Talking in person just seems a lot more real to me and I get the whole idea of them.
Unfortunately I just don't see how it will work in the end as he is going to Alberta for the next two years starting in September. It's kind of bittersweet, I guess. Right now, it's just nice. Nice to have someone to do cute silly things with and go out with and just not be alone. But it's just not going to work in the end. If I know anything about myself, it's that I need someone WITH me. Physically. I need the affection. I just don't think I could make something long distance work very well.
I'll just enjoy it right now, I guess. I just have to distance myself.
Truth is, I've never been good at distancing myself.

Also, I think people brag because they're insecure.

i was nineteen, call me

I went up to Guelph house yesterday and painted from 1 pm to 3 am.
And then I woke up at 10:30 and painted til 1:30.
I have blisters, my knee hurts, and I have paint between my toes.
I am not done. I only have the first coat of paint on everything.

It's not as pretty as I wanted it to be... maybe I'll feel differently when my furniture is in it.
Who knows.

I had a lot of time to myself to think, and surprisingly, I didn't think about you all that much.
The one thing I did think of was how you could hardly stand her, and now you're with her all the time.
The other thing I thought of was when you said you used to be in love with her.
You said, "Know how I know?"
"How?", I asked.
"Because of how much it fucking hurt."

And I started thinking about that, and about how much it fucking hurt.
And I realized, if you're right, then I was in love with you, too.

a dance 'round the memory tree

I've held it together so well for the past few years. Even when she was in the hospital, even when she was crying and I had never in my entire life seen her cry, even when she was yelling and getting angry when I had never in my entire life seen her yell or be angry. I've kept it together for her, and you. You know I'm here for you to run to when you get frustrated with her, and upset with her, and angry at what's happening to her.
But I couldn't keep it together tonight, and that's why I couldn't stand by your side while you talked to her on the phone the whole time, trying to convince her that it was dark outside because it is nighttime and not daytime.
I barely made it out of the room before I fell apart. But I promise I only allowed myself a couple of precious minutes before I dried my tears and came back to your side to tell you it was going to be okay.

The thing is, I'm a bad liar, but you believe what I say, because you want to believe it will be okay.
Sometimes things just aren't okay.
And sometimes things don't get to be okay ever again.

This is one of those things, and I think I'm starting to feel it sink in now.

I miss her, and she's not even gone.