please don't go

Please don't go.
Please stay.




I miss you more than I miss myself.




Don't leave.




I miss you already.

(you're on my mind.)

there's pain where she ought to be. Its feeding the other pain, the thing that makes me wash and count and all that. So her absence is stopping me from going to find her.

need you like water in my lungs.

Last night was emotional in both the very best and very worst ways possible.

"The funeral keeps both of us apart."
(Yes, it did. It still does.)

I saw Brand New and was absolutely blown away. They played so well, including Jude Law And A Semester Abroad and Seventy Times 7, Daisy, You Won't Know, Jesus (!), At The Bottom, Sink, Gasoline, You Stole, Bought A Bride, Limousine, Mix Tape, and Play Crack The Sky. I think there might have been more. They played for over an hour and just gave it all they had. Jesse even said he was so thankful that we were all there, which is interesting since he is quite honestly the most bitter guy ever, hah. I swear, he is the only person in a band who is able to absolutely hate his fans and have his fans still love him devotedly. I don't think he really hates his fans, he's just a silly boy.
Anyway, Crime In Stereo opened for them and were alright, but quite disorganized. Glassjaw was lovely minus being completely squished into every other person around me to the point of not being able to breathe.
But Brand New. I couldn't believe my senses. I was so excited, so happy, feeling so many more emotions than I have in a very, very long time. Just incredible.

The bad part was, you were there.
You were there and you just looked at me.
And I don't know what I would have said to you if you had said something to me.
"I have nothing to say to you."
"I still love you."
"I don't know what else to say."
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I've realized that I've never gone a day without loving you, without thinking of you.
And I was proud of myself because as I went past your street, I didn't think about you.
Seeing you seeing me, I wondered what it was exactly that you were looking at.
I dare you to tell me.
I dare you to approach me.
I dare you.
Man up.
Say something.

I don't think I'll ever feel this way again.

I cried the entire way through Play Crack The Sky.
I cried for you. For me. For beauty and love and truth and freedom.
But most of all, it was for all that I've lost.
And all that I've found.

don't fuck with the truck

Greatest night ever last night. Well. Potentially. Tonight may beat it, seeing Brand New and all.
Anyway, I went to Eleanor's, we watched the OC, went to the Casbah super early and no one was there, so we went to Tim Horton's for legit two hours. When we got back to the Casbah it was getting more and more full which was rad. I saw Marissa! I haven't seen her in literally years. I miss her and her beautiful big heart.
Anyway, the Reason was fabulous! So great. I can't believe that Cubby is now playing keys/shakers/PLUS guitar. Three guitars in one band playing the same thing together?! Whaaat is that crap. Anyway, it was quite wonderful despite three guitars playing the same thing at the same time (occasionally). They played so many new songs and to be quite honest (despite what a lot of people are saying), I really, really enjoyed them. There was one that was pretty funky and I just got right into it. I'm really proud of them; they've completely developed their sound and Adam has brought back screaming on the new album apparently. I'm very excited to hear it. It comes out in March so I'm going to have to make sure I'm home for the CD release party because I'm sure there will be one.
The highlight of the night was them playing Afterparty At The Actor's Estate. They literally NEVER play that song live unless they're playing an acoustic set. Eleanor and I just literally grabbed onto each other and didn't let go. There was something about the crowd at that time; all I felt was so much love. That's what I miss about going to shows. Being right in the middle of just pure talent and love and respect and admiration and appreciation. That's how music should feel.
Afterward I bought a Monster Truck shirt (see picture, and yes, it says "Don't Fuck With The Truck", and I am going to wear it proudly) and then we bounced, drove Eleanor home, came home myself, turned my brother's light off as he had passed out with it on, and got into bed.
I'm terribly excited for tonight. I cannot believe that I am going to see Brand New. Jesse Lacey is quite possibly one of the greatest lyricists of all time.
I hope they play the Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot.
I might cry if they do.

It's where I'm going.

It's where I want to be.

the fame

It's been a month.
A whole month.
And I think we've been through more than most people go through in a year.
We've been challenged many times and yet we keep pushing through.
It seems worth it so far.

I'm having a hard time with this essay but after it's done, I only have finals.
I'm counting the days until I come home for Christmas.
I'm seeing the Reason tomorrow night and Brand New Sunday night, both with Eleanor.

I just realized how many times in a day I use the phrases "I" or "me".
It really isn't just about me.
(It's always been about you.)

Dinner tonight will be just Dad and I.
Those are my favourite dinners sometimes because we never really get any time to just us.

I don't know what else to write.
I'm excited for Brand New.

invisible monsters

I just want you to know, I won't go on without you.

Your words are echoing in my head. They're comforting. They're loving. They're kind.
I wonder if you know yet.

I only know which way to go because I found you.

I'm trying so hard to figure this out. But I don't feel at home.
Not in either of my homes.
Maybe they are simply cases that I put my things in.
A dry place to sleep.
But there is no comfort in any of these places.
I'm trying to immerse myself in your arms, to call them home.
But I'm having a hard time.
I feel content with you, with your arms around me.
I feel safer than I do when I'm alone.
But there is that lingering feeling that tells me to run.
Or slow down.
Or step back.
To do something other than what I'm doing.
What I'm doing is letting it happen.
Taking a chance.
Risking it all.
You reassure me that you're not going anywhere.
And I'm not scared of you leaving.
I'm scared of me leaving.

When you understand that what you're telling is just a story. It isn't happening anymore. When you realize the story you're telling is just words, when you can just crumble it up and throw your past in the trashcan, then we'll figure out who you're going to be.

you live and learn

Number one: I don't know what to do about you. You're still in my life, and you don't know. You have absolutely no idea, do you? I don't know if I ever felt more than just lust for you, but I feel bad for being the one to hurt you in the future. I just can't bring myself to do it right now because you're away and you're having a good time. Just hang in there. Just be happy right now. And forget me as much as you can, because I haven't been yours for a long time now. You told me not to wait, so I didn't.

Number two: I love my best friends and I am so, so sorry I didn't get to see them this weekend. I'm sorry I missed it. But maybe I didn't miss it. Maybe this is it. Please hang in there. It will be Christmas before you know it and I will see you all again, and it will be amazing.

Number three: I have great people in my life, and you're one of them, and I'm so thankful. You're a great girl. You're a wonderful friend even if I'm not maybe a priority friend in your life. You are in mine. Don't forget that because you deserve to have all the best people in your life, and I hope I can be one of those for you.

Number four: Maybe we're both just feeling "off" the past couple of days, but I hope you come back to me with your happy self again. I like every aspect of you, but when you feel this way, I just feel so unbelievably helpless. Please, remember to breathe. Stop holding your breath; exhale. It's going to be fine. I promise you. Because you've got me. And I've got you.




Let. Go.

hammers and strings... and jimmy choo

"Of course it's not true. It's only true if you believe in it whole-heartedly."
"I don't know what I believe."
"Believe in love."


I still hear you in this old piano.

(It's been so long.
Get out of my head.)




Weekend: Rebecca's birthday at Che Friday night (amazing), Toronto for Jimmy Choo with Michelle and Dylan Saturday morning (I am a university student with Jimmy Choo 4.9 inch heels. Believe it), study day today. Back in Guelph now and feeling mighty homesick.
I forgot my medication yesterday.
I just want to sleep all day.
Midterm tomorrow, then a big research paper to write.. then finals. Then done first semester.


Give me something to believe in. So write it down, I don't think that I'll close my eyes. Cause lately I'm not dreaming, so what's the point in sleeping? It's just that at night, I've got no where to hide.
To the sleepless, this is my reply: I will write you a lullaby.

i saw you smile

Despite things being beyond fucked up, crazy, and hectic, I am getting back in the swing of things and figuring myself out.

Last night I slept so well, and this morning I woke up beside you.
I woke up and felt fine.
I had class all day.
I had a great lunch with MC and Ashley.
I had a midterm that I owned at least half of.
I got out early and came home.
I wrote my English essay in under an hour.
I emailed my profs for next semester to get me into the classes.
I've figured out what to do.
I have one more midterm and one more paper.
Then it's just finals, then it's Christmas break.
And everyone is home, and everything will be great.
I can't wait to be back with my best friends.

There's so much in my head, so much in my heart.
There's so much I need to say to you.
Do you see where I am?
(I keep smiling, maybe I'm really happy this time.
But why aren't you a part of this when I was so sure of you at one point?)

Can't you see that you could have had it all.

dear jerk:

I don't even know what to say. I'm legitimately speechless. I wouldn't have cared so much if you did that privately, but screaming it out to your whole house? That's beyond just being mad at him; that's hitting me, too. I cannot describe how embarrassed, how upset, and how hurt I am.
I liked you at first, but honestly, I think you're a pretty shitty person for doing that. This isn't between you and I, this doesn't even concern me, so leave me out of it. How was I supposed to know it was "yours"?
Get the fuck over it, grow the fuck up. You have to live with him for the better part of the next year. Man up and keep this between you two, not anyone else.
I haven't been this upset in a very, very long time.

careful

You can't be too careful anymore.
When all that is waiting for you won't come any closer, you've got to reach out a little more.



I'm trying hard to reach out.
Believe me.

sing me to sleep

I am trying hard to be positive, but usually I don't have much positivity in myself at all.
These days it seems like I am giving it all away to people who seem to need it more than I do at the moment.
Which is fine, it's okay, it's great because I'm helping.
But I wonder if I'll have any left over for myself the next time I need some.



You confuse me and I'm trying to keep you out of my head, but sometimes you sneak back in my body and shake up my heart.

never lose your voice

I hate being sick. I know I've said it before. But I hate it. It drags me down so much. It also doesn't help that I need to get my courses for next semester figured out, and despite Jeremy and Michelle being the lovely friends that they are and helping me out, I'm still nervous. If I don't get into these classes, I have no clue what I'm going to do with my time. So far I have three classes chosen, none of which I even remotely am interested in taking. I think I'm just going to bring the schedule I made up into the office and tell them that those are the classes that I need and am in the process of switching my major and minor.
Yesterday was a complete write-off. I slept on and off until one in the afternoon, then got up and migrated to the couch downstairs. Alex and I sat there until 11pm watching episodes of Criminal Minds on our computers. I love us. But again, I hate being sick.
I still feel like absolute rubbish but I am up, dressed, makeuped, and fed.
It is almost time for class.
I hate eight o'clock mornings.

i can't stop wishing that i went for something more

I sincerely, one hundred and a million per cent, utterly and completely despise being sick.
I missed two classes but made it to two other ones. Then I typed up notes and revised my medieval book review.

Still to do for the rest of the semester:
English field project (November 12)
Greek research paper (November 18-25)
Nutrition midterm (November 9)
Art history #1 midterm (November 16)

Also up is Rebecca's birthday on the 12th, Che with her on the 13th, Toronto for Jimmy Choo on the 14th with Michelle, hangouts with JC on the 15th, sleepover weekend with Sabrina and Eleanor (and Rya!) on the 21st and 22nd.
Then onto finals.

I can feel myself reacting to the changes in the weather already. It's depressing me, keeping me in bed, suppressing my emotions and keeping me very numb. I don't know what to do other than keep myself relatively healthy and hope for the maximum amount of sunlight this winter.

It feels like I'm swallowing glass.

medieval art history classes make me die

"Yes! That's my favourite song!"



Oh so blog worthy.
Thank you Michelle (Brown) Cogger.

when it all just fits

You live the life you're given with the storms outside.
Some days all I do is watch the sky.

That has been on repeat in my head for the past week.
Things are good. I am sick. My weekend got fucked up, but I don't mind.
I have good people in my life.
I love my family and my friends.
I wouldn't trade this for anything else.
You brought me soup in the rain when I was feeling down.
And a paper heart letter.
And for once, I don't have to hope or wish or dream.

I've got all I need and I'm doing fine.