a single second

I want this to work out so, so badly.
I can't describe it.
I hardly know you, but I want you to come home, and I want you to fall in love with me, and I want everything to be okay.
You have a small piece of my heart already; you know that, don't you?
You helped me forget him.
Your words made me strong again, made me live again, smile again.
But even when you come home, you're going to leave again (and again, and again, and again).
I'm happy for you and I'm proud of you and I'm so glad that you're going far in this.
But I can't help but be slightly selfish and want you for myself.
I'll wait for you. I cross my heart.
Please, when you come home, see me, care about me, be with me.
Be my Stars, because I'll be yours.

speculation

I'm dealing with the issue of permanence.

Since the end of the last school year, and especially this year, everything I have been learning has been purely speculative. No one is sure of anything, it seems. Of course, we can assume that clay pots with a spout that look like gravy boats could actually be gravy boats, but they could also be something else. What if they peed in them? We'd be so unbelievably off. Everything in history is not solid, not 100%, and for some reason, this bothers me.
It's like when you're little, and everything is perfect, and you don't question things, and you just accept things as they come. I wish I could do that. I wish I kept that kind of innocence closer to my heart. I wish I didn't have to analyze every little tiny detail and scrutinize the most minute fragment of something that we don't really know anything about. Apparently I can't even accept the fact that I am a human being with human tendencies, because people keep asking, "What is human? What does it mean to be human? Are we really alive, really here, really this and really that?"
I don't fucking know. And neither do you. Maybe we're not supposed to think like this, but philosophers and scholars get so famous by thinking this way. If you think this way, nothing, NOTHING, is permanent. Nothing is special. Nothing matters and nothing makes sense. I say fuck it. I say believe what you feel. I say accept what you want and forget about what you don't want.
Fuck this university analytical shit, I'm done with it.

bests

Hey. Sup.
I miss you.

Good weekend for the most part. I love best friends, and I love best friends that drive seven hours to see me just because I need someone to care. I also love when best friends find love.
I do not love being unsure, being upset, or crying over the silliest things.
"What are you doing with your life?" I don't know. Does it matter?

stars.

I've got these chords I can't play anymore
Cause they're all that I've known for so long
Now they ruin all the songs
This one's for you
Yeah, this one's for you
The old songs must be hard to believe
I've ruined everything

You'll be someone I, I can learn from
And over your voice, I'm screaming,
"Love, it takes time, it takes time"
I wish I could take my time and your worries away
I'll take my time and your worries away

I'll be okay, cause I've got the stars
And you said you've been free for some time
And you prove it with the scars
This one's for you
Yeah, this one's for you
If I'm lost before you hear all of this

You'll be someone I, I can learn from
And over your voice, I'm screaming,
"Love, it takes time, it takes time"
I wish I could take my time and your worries away
I'll take my time and your worries away

This one's for you
This one's for you

I'll be okay, cause I've got the stars...

a camera lens and careful days

...how do you comfort the comforter?

Really. I'm not being funny or clever here. I really want to know.
What do you say?
What do you do?
How do you make it better?
Other than being there to listen, to hold, to trust...
What do you do?

(Sometimes, when I look at other peoples' old family photos, I pretend I'm part of their family, just so I can feel like I belong to something with some kind of history.)

cowboy boots

Sittin' in the Daily Grind, looking out the windows, LOVING life because there are so many adorable people.
Also, cute boy in my art history seminar, and nice girls in my group!
I honestly love Guelph so much. I'm so much happier here than I was in high school.

Also, am I getting funnier, or are people just now finding my sense of humour funny? No one used to laugh at my jokes anymore and now people kill themselves over stupid things I say. I guess I just win.

Also, Eileen got drunk last night off six whiskey sours and then went home and wrote an assignment. Eileen, you're a fucking champ, seriously.

Also, AHHHHH WHAT IS THAT NOISE AHHHHH I AM FUCKING MY HAND!

Don't believe me?
Watch this:
http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3Dl_8yPap-k_s&h=e9761d708f30b154b349f59b0b1bd3c3

if i'm a liar and you're a thief

The new Brand New album, Daisy, came out yesterday. I hurried out to the mall after my class and having lunch with Eileen and picked it up. I also got two great v-necks for $9.50 each and they're so nice! I love Garage, honestly.
Anyway, the verdict on Daisy is...... I'm not sure.
Of course it is FAR from being another Deja Entendu. There will never be another Deja Entendu. And there are certain songs that I like, and certain songs that I hate. The first track on the album is the second-worst song on the whole record. The first-worst song is called Be Gone. It's a sort of interlude in the middle of the album, but it has echoey, distorted screamed out words that don't really sound like words but more like someone dying in a gutter. I never knew Jesse Lacey could make such disgusting sounds. The highlights of the album would definitely be Sink, You Stole, Daisy, Noro, and Bought A Bride. The nostalgic Deja Entendu wannabe song is At The Bottom. It's lovely and has great lyrics. I had very mixed feelings about Bought A Bride. At first I didn't like it, but as I listened to it a few more times, it started to grow on me. I'm hoping the entire album grows on me, because right now there is not one song on it that I could say I absolutely "love". There is one line, however, that says "And if I'm a liar, and you're a thief, at least we both know where the other one sleeps". It's not even that profound of a lyric, but the way Jesse sings it makes it special somehow. I like it very much for the sole reason of how he sings it and somehow makes it rhyme and sway and flow. Kudos, Jesse. But next time, please don't let Vince write the majority of the album.

Anyway, I've been up since 8 am after finally falling asleep around 2:30 last night. I'm tired. I feel slightly cranky as well and I don't know why. There's nothing to be cranky about, except for the fact that I have reading that I should be getting on top of and holding down the fort with (and, you know, writing papers on articles and studying for midterms that I have in a week)... but I just can't do it at the moment. I read myself out on Monday night. Seventy pages of English, a 22 page article for art history, and a few pages (with notes) for Greek art history was all read on Monday. I almost died. A nap and some eating was thrown in there as well.
I've been in class for the better part of the day and got groceries, so I think I'm doing pretty well right now while running on six and a half hours of sleep.
On a wonderfully productive note, I just planned out all the classes that I am going to take next semester. They are all 100% art history and I am so, so excited. I'll be taking Renaissance, Aboriginal, and Canadian art, along with Photographic History and Art Theory and Criticism. I'm super excited for theory and crit, since I think you learn a lot about museums as well and I want to see if I like something like that. Maybe I'll work in a museum. That might be nice. Or I'll own my own gallery! Oh man, I would have so much fun with that!

Eileen, Alex and I (and possibly Joey and Juan) are going to Brass Taps tonight. I think I'll nap before we go. A nap would be glorious.

Also, I'm still thinking of that message that was sent to me by an old friend, and it still makes me smile a lot of a lot.

By the way, your chromosomes have combined beautifully.

daisy

A little while ago I got a Facebook message from a very old friend. The things she said were quite possibly the nicest things I have ever heard. She said that she read my blog and complimented it and what I write about. She also said she could relate to the things in here. It made me feel so much better to know that this isn't all for nothing. It made me feel right for a change. Like I'm not just messing everything up, but rather doing something positive and good. This girl has honestly touched my heart and has inspired me. We couldn't be more on the opposite ends of the social spectrum, but I guess feelings and heartache make everyone equal. That's something that is very comforting to me, even though I wouldn't wish some of the things I feel on anyone. I'm just glad to know that someone out there is reading this. That it matters. That I am able to reach people. Mostly I'm glad that nice and lovely people still exist in this world. Even though we haven't spoken in a very long time, she was able to tell me what she felt and what she thought. She opened up and let herself out, and that means the world to me. So I will say it right now: You have literally restored my faith in humanity. Thank you. Thank you a million times.

I'm glad that some nice people are out there. And I'm more than glad to have the honor of knowing them.

one, two, three...

I get it. I don't fit in.
Why don't you just tell me?
You think I'd be used to it by now.
I've never had great friends with the exception of three people.
I try to be a good friend to people but somehow it's not enough.

It would be so nice if something made sense for a change.

my best friend

My best friend is amazing. Hands down, she is the greatest girl I know. She's sweet. She actually includes me in things. She thinks about me. She worries about me. She spends time with me. She loves me. She misses me.
She is the best person I have in my life.
She saved me.
I love you.

can't love, can't hurt

Accidental red meat ingestion makes me want to fucking vomit.
I feel so fucking sick. Ugh.

Hold me down, sweet and low, little girl.
Hold me down, sweet and low, and I will carry you home.
Just hold me down, and I'll carry you home.

as you breathe the words "i better go"

Last night I went to the Casbah with my brother and Josh. We got drunk and took a cab. First time I got drunk with my brother, yeah! It was pretty cool I guess, except it was a little awkward seeing as my brother's exgirlfriend was there. Weird. We saw Jamsquid play which was awesome. And then some 29 year old hit on me, which was not so awesome. And Monster Truck played and Jeremy recognized me and I was impressed and quite happy. He is a nice boy. And I'm spoiled and did not have to pay for any of my drinks last night. Also, since the Casbah got to be so big, they make really shitty drinks. They literally measure out ONE SINGLE shot and are super anal about it, as opposed to Che or Frat where they just fucking pour it in. Come on now, Brody. Stop being lame.
Anyway, I saw Eleanor tonight which was great. We went to Second Cup and then watched the pilot of the OC, which is a pretty solid show. It has great filming and it's kind of intense. If you watch it from the beginning you realize that it's not just a shitty teen drama. It has a legit story line, and a good one, too.
After that I went to Rebecca's to meet up with her, Kathleen, and Aleks and then we picked up Amanda and went to Disco/Punk. I saw Norman and watched Spirits with him for a bit, then danced for a bit, and then left. I don't know what else to say about tonight except that I miss my own friends a lot.
I wish that my friends were still here. You know, all of them, the ones who are the glue, the ones who bring me together with everyone else. I miss you. I miss you all the time. I wish that you were here so badly. It seems like all my best friends either can't come out with me, don't have time for me, or are gone somewhere far away. I don't know what else to do other than try to be friends with friends-of-friends, but it never feels the same and it always makes me miss my bests more and more.
I just don't know what to do anymore.
Brooke and JC. I miss you both so much it's ridiculous. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that I am literally in tears right now thinking about you. I've said it before, but it absolutely and completely breaks my heart to be away from you both. I wish you were here. I need you right now more than ever.

I don't know what else to say.
It's 2:30am, I'm wide awake, and I'm eating chocolate chip cookies in bed. And I miss my bests more than I could ever, ever express.

critical things

Things that I really, desperately need:
- A new pair of black supertight skinny jeans/pants
- New shirts because all of mine got thrown out during the move/because they had holes in them
- Underwear ** this is important
- Socks
- Bras **this is important too
- A skirt
- Tights

Someone donate to the Buy Sara Clothes Fund.
And also the Buy Sara Alcohol For the Weekend Fund.

The main thing I wanted to say is, things change. And it's okay. I know. I understand. And it sucks, but it's okay. Go. Be happy. And I'll be happy for you. I guess what I'm saying is, thanks for being what I needed, even if it was just for a little while.

thaaaanks.

Number one: I'm not interested.
Number two: I eat far too much when I PMS.
Number three: I have the car for two weeks.
Number four: I'm REALLY not interested, especially when you put it that way.
Number five: I don't care anymore. Kindly go fuck yourself.

yeah, it's about you. so what?

PS: I don't know how strong I can manage to be tomorrow.
It's been so long. I've moved on.
But I still miss you more than I should.

No one will ever destroy me the way you do.
Happy Birthday.

so come closer, baby

So I'm all moved in and the rest of the girls have moved in as well. We're having an absolute blast and everything is so laid back and great. We got hot water last week on Wednesday and we finally got internet today, which is the reason for my awfully late update. The past two weeks have been completely intense and... interesting, to say the least.
Brooke left on Tuesday and it absolutely breaks my heart. I miss her a lot. Now two of my best friends are away in/near Ottawa. I miss you both. Please come home soon. Riley is also gone and I haven't talked to him really since I moved in.
Anyway, the first two days of class were good. I really love my children's literature class. I also have a first year art history class, nutrition (for my second science), medieval art history, and Greek art history. All of them are really great, but my favourite is definitely English. My art girls are in medieval and children's lit with me which makes it a lot easier for me to get along in the classes. Oh, and I dropped over $300 on textbooks. Fuck. My. Life. Hello, we're starving students here! Make the goddamn textbooks that we use for four months and then get rid of cheaper than $157 each. Ugh.
That's about it for school... cooking in the house is going well. Rebecca and I always team up and cook awesome dinners. I also applied for a couple of jobs and am going job hunting again on Thursday when I have the car. Speaking of Thursday, that is the day that my parents leave for their Mediterranean cruise for two weeks. I hope they have the greatest time and love Europe as much as I did... because in that case, they can come visit me whenever they want when I move to Paris!
Other than that, the weekend was absolutely great. I came home Friday night and went out for a bit with my mom. Saturday mom and I went out again to get groceries and run some errands. Then I texted Anto to ask if he was going to Hess. We ended up going to Caleigh house with his cousins and their friends to just chill. It was a really fun! Anto invited me out Saturday night too for his "go away" party (haaah). At first I wasn't sure if I was going to go because I don't really know any of his friends, but I decided to go anyway. And surprisingly, it was really awesome (minus feeling slightly awkward when I was left standing alone, but a lot of the people there were really nice and talked to me). I had a lot of fun watching a very drunk Anto stand on stools and "stage dive" into about three people. He's a nice boy. Except now he is gone for two months on tour with Swellers. Why do people continuously leave me?! It really does break my heart.
Anyway. Interesting. I wish I could say more but... maybe things will work out better if I don't say anything at all.
ALSO, Eleanor came over yesterday to visit! I'm so happy! I haven't seen her in so long and it just made me really excited to know that I have a friend who will make time for me. Thank you. I love you.
It's almost my bed time (yeah, I go to bed at 10, what of it?). So I shall be off. I'll hopefully update more now that we have the internet. Alex, Rebecca and I literally sat within two feet of each other completely silent because we were on the internet and catching up on class stuff/lurking (mostly lurking). We're winners. Really.

On another note, Lydia is fucking amazing. Listen to them. You will fall in love.
So come closer, baby... I want to... see what you're made of... see what you're made of... cause this isn't all we can be... you're not the same and I'm... I'm not the same and...

i was married

If you are asking me to marry you, please present me with this:
http://www.tiffany.ca/Shopping/Item.aspx?fromGrid=1&sku=GRP02331&mcat=148204&cid=288152&search_params=s+5-p+5-c+288152-r+501323340-x+-n+6-ri+-ni+0-t+

it started out with a kiss, how did it end up like this?

I didn't mean to get this close. I didn't mean for it to hurt or to make it harder for you to leave. You said you were ready to leave everything else behind; your family, your gym, your school, this city. The only thing you weren't ready to leave behind was me. When you said that I almost thought I had made a mistake by starting with you. I wanted to ask if it was a mistake, if I had screwed up your chances for starting new. I could have asked, but I didn't. I hope you don't regret it because I certainly don't. You are one of the most decent human beings I have ever met. You're sweet, you make me laugh, and as it turns out, we can have actual conversations without feeling stupid. And you care. That means a lot to me because most people don't give a damn at all.
The only thing is, is that I don't know how to continue on. I don't know exactly what we are. I don't know exactly if I'm supposed to wait, or if you're supposed to wait, or if we just follow along and wait for something to happen. Do we just wait and see? I don't know. I don't know how to do this. I've never had to do this. I've never been in this position and I'm confused and at the same time everything feels okay because we're not done being friends at least, and we didn't end on a bad note (just a sad one).
I don't know. Right now I'm in my room in my Guelph house waiting to feel sleepy so I can go to bed and stop everything for a little while. This past week has been so stressful. Riley left. JC left. Brooke leaves on Tuesday. I moved myself to Guelph yesterday and when I pulled up to the house, I noticed about three other groups of students moving into houses along my street and all of them - every single one - had their parents helping. My mom told friends to come over for dinner yesterday night after I had told her of my for sure moving date, so she would have only been able to come up for a little while. So I said, fuck it, I'll do it myself. I've done everything else that has to do with my house myself, so why not this?
Strangely enough I have more closet space than I know what to do with, and my kitchen now has lots of food.
Rebecca and Alex move in tomorrow. You'd think I'd be super excited, and while part of me is, a bigger part of me is homesick already. My parents, brother, grandma and cousin came down today to see my house and go for dinner for my grandma's birthday, and them leaving just made me miss home even more. I feel strange and lonely and like I can and can't do this all at the same time.
I start class on Thursday but only have one class that day and two on Friday. I guess that's not too bad. It's making it worse that Brooke has to leave again. I really, really, really don't want her to.
Speaking of Brooke, she and Natalie and I went to Che on Friday night and got awesome. And the DJ told me I was beautiful and then said "Can we make out?" to which I very lamely replied, "Uh.. maybe...." and then turned away and went outside. Fail.
Also, I just have to say that if either of these bathrooms in this house get as dirty as they were when I cleaned them, I'm fucking moving out. I almost vommed 27 times when I was cleaning them. I swear boys went pee in the dark and missed the toilet completely. Ugh.
I guess that's it.. I miss you, I miss a lot of things. I miss home. I want my mommy.