pull the trigger

It's completely over, and I'm done, and I'm not going back, and I've had enough, and I'm tired of my family and my friends feeling sorry for me and telling me to stop because he's clearly not good for me, and I'm just so completely done it isn't even funny.

I deleted my facebook and you can talk to me on here or on MSN, or text me. Anyone who matters to me knows about this blog or has me on MSN or has my cell number.

Anyone who matters is already in my life and there is some room for others, but only the good ones and the ones who are good for ME.

You're not. You never were. And I'm so, so fucking done.

I hope you find what you're looking for.
I'm going to find what I am and what I love. You deal with whatever you have to deal with and maybe one day it'll be different, but right now it's too hard to be your friend and it's too hard to look at you every single day and feel everything but have nothing, absolutely nothing, come of it.

I'm done.

Fuck the internet, and fuck you too.

walk outside get in the car

stare at the wheel and fall apart.

sorry about the mess

I'm trying really hard to be nice and be positive. I'm just trying to be a better person. I'm trying not to let things bother me so much...but I can't let all this stuff mess me up this much. I've felt so awful lately and rightfully so, but I need to stop.

On a happier note, it is my brother's twenty-second birthday today. Happy birthday brotherface.
I have to say, sometimes you can be annoying and a bit of a dick, but really, you're awesome. I'm glad I have you and I'm glad you're who you are. Thank you for being there for me and influencing me as much as you have. I love you, you fucking twat.

honesty honestly

I miss you.





fuck.

catch it, but we don't talk

It's nice when you get unexpected compliments.
I love compliments. I need them.

I guess if you don't want me, someone else will.

even now, i can see you smile

I miss my best friend already, and she hasn't even left yet :(

try not to fuck with my feelings

I constantly and consistently compare myself to her.
And I never, ever measure up.

I don't think I ever will.




I need to figure me out.

this is our sound

You said you were confusing.
I made an excuse for you.
But the reality is, you are confusing.
You don't know what you want.
I know I wanted you.
But now I'm not so sure.
I can't constantly be unsure like this.
I can't constantly question you, and this, and us, whatever that is.

I doubt you even read this.
The fact that I can't say everything I want to to you absolutely breaks my heart all over again, every day, every morning when I wake up and realize nothing's changed, every afternoon when I feel so unbelievably hopeless, and every night when I feel so completely alone.

I swear to god, I would bring him back for you if I could.
Then I would get back that happy, slightly cynical and bitter person I fell for in the first place.
I would do anything to get that person back and make you hope and dream again.
It was more fun when we dreamed of going to Paris.

it wasn't like me to move closer to you

A feeling's just a feeling till you let it get the best of you.

So here's the thing with my head: I'm unstable.

Am I wrong, or is this really what you want to happen?

When all I want to do is have this, I'm not strong enough to stand.

'Cause I've been pushed around before.

I've felt the burn from every inch of my heart.

BUT IT'S WORTH IT TO NEVER FEEL ALONE.

"s"..."ess-eh"..."serra"..."evening."

ah
bee
chi
dee
eh
effe
gee
acha
ee
e-loon-ga
kappa
elle
emme
enne
oh
pee
qoo
arre
esse
tee
ou
vou
dob-u-vou
e-grech-a
eeks
zetta

And "scarpe" means shoes.

One day, I swear I'll be able to read an entire Italian Vogue.

heart

I fell off of Odyssey at horseback riding tonight and smacked the back of my head rather hard, although I got right back on and continued my lesson.. and then drove myself home which probably wasn't the smartest idea because I may be concussed. I excuse any obscene remarks, wording, or unloveliness (ie: nothing is going to make sense) in this post.

I have begun watching America's Next Top Model from season one and am currently being sucked into its highly addictive and utterly inconsolable nature.

Last night I drove to Guelph to see Eileen one more time before she leaves for the summer. We saw Angels & Demons, and let me say, my life is now complete. Such a good movie. If you haven't seen it, do so immediately. If you don't plan on seeing it, please enjoy the rest of your very small, unexcitable thing you call a life.
I'm kidding.
What I really mean is, get together with a good friend, and see a good movie. This is it.
Our house is taking a bit of shape finally (thankfully). I am rethinking my "light aqua/off white" idea for my room because both Eileen and Rebecca's rooms are blue (and white). I wanted to come away from yellows and colours like that, but I think I might do it again. Soft yellow (mornings).

Speaking of which, you have seemed to disappear once again. And this time, I'm trying not to care. But I still do. And my heart still sinks. Every. Single. Time.

I feel lonely. I wish my good friends were around for the summer. I wanted them to help me paint my room and see Guelph House, but they won't get to now. I have no help with this. I asked my mom to help me.
I guess it's just me and my mom again.
Like it always is.

How amazing are these? They're gorgeous! And they're not too expensive anymore either!
I love sales. I love shoes. Oh, these are beautiful.

Brian Atwood Margie peep-toe sandals 40% off of $660, making them $396.

if we all don't take cover, we're all gonna fall back in love again

I'm not sure how I should feel...
You hugged me three times and you looked at my face and maybe it's because I wanted it to happen so bad and maybe it's because you wanted it to happen (even just a little).
And I kissed your cheek and you kissed my forehead and looked at my face again. And then closed your eyes and kissed my lips.
And it's what I've wanted for a long while.
And it felt like the first time I was kissing you, with butterflies and all.

And I swear I'll believe anything you tell me.

control yourself; take only what you need from me

Why does it always seem, that as soon as things start to fall into place for me, something comes and fucks it right back up?


This time, it's in the form of someone I didn't expect it to come from.
And really has no right to tell me what to do.
Sorry, but since when were you around enough to care?

lord of the rings marathon

I'm Lord Of The Ringing at the moment.
I'm also sleepy.
Friday night: Che with old friends.
Saturday night: Casbah with Dave + friends.
Sunday morning/afternoon: barn and Wendy's with Brooke.

I like busy days.

I bought a new sewing machine yesterday, and shorts. Yes, shorts. I haven't owned my own pair of shorts since seventh grade. Win? I haven't decided yet.

I've come to the horrifying conclusion that I would indeed name my male child Bradley. I tried to deny it for so long, but it's one of my favourite names. Oh dear.

I don't even know what to write, other than I'm thoroughly confused as to this change of heart. But I'll take what I can get. I'll take anything at this point. Just hold me tight and I'll close my eyes and pretend forever.

i told you to be patient

I'm trying so hard to forget about you.. but every single time I start to, you bring me right back in.
And this is no way to live...but I'm not sure if I'm ready for this to stop yet.

bitches in tokyo

He doesn't want her but he just won't let her go.

i'm convinced that wondering 'what if' is the worst thing there is

It's 1:38 in the morning and I'm awake and wondering if you're asleep.

I hit up Pepperjack Cafe tonight to see my brother's best friends (and also the boys I grew up around) play their first show. Dave came and hung out as well which was nice. For some reason, he is able to take my mind off of pretty much everything except laughing. I appreciate that more than he could ever know. I must admit, I was a little nervous for Jamsquid's first show. I wasn't sure how serious they were about being a band. But I should have expected more because that's what I got! They fucking rocked! And everyone came out for them. I saw people I haven't seen in years and years. How wonderful. It was ridiculously packed in there during Jamsquid and then everyone filed out before the last band started playing. I felt kind of bad, but whatever. You bring your own crowd when you're a new band. And these guys brought a fucking sweet crowd.
That's what I like to see.

Earlier in the afternoon I went to Eric and Mike's studio to chat with them about working on web stuff for Hive Studios. I'm pretty stoked to be on board with them. They're awesome dudes. And now I have lots to keep me busy. Fantastic!

Other than that, I made dinner for my family and read to stop myself from thinking too much. Unfortunately, my mind is still on you. I swear I'm not obsessed! I just care about you more than I should... and more than you do now. I think there was a time where you did care.
I just wish I knew what I did wrong.

happiness by the kilowatt

So someone thinks I'm trying to be someone I'm not. Really, how do I know who I am if I don't try out any of the things I could possibly try? How do YOU know who YOU are? I really am not the same girl as I was a few years back. I mean, I'm still the same nice girl. I try so hard to be nice and please people (I am cursed with being a people pleaser 24/7, although I do occasionally consider myself...sometimes...once in a while...okay, rarely). Is it because I dress differently? Imagine me now still gothed up? baahah how great would that be? Except.. it wouldn't be great at all.
I was tired of people not taking me seriously. So I did something about it. I changed the way I dressed. And my hair, well, that's been changing since I was in eighth grade. I've also become a victim of shoe-lovery. So what? Don't most girls fall for shoes?
At least shoes won't break your heart.
As for art, I love it, but it's not my passion. To be honest, I wasn't that good at it anyway. I didn't feel the need to entertain that talent anymore. But I do still love it. I don't know what my passion is at the moment which is why I'm doing a lot of different things to try to figure it out.
I wonder if the person who said that really knows me, or just think that they know me.
Please, if you're reading this, get to know me, then make the judgement. I promise you that my core values are still the same as they've always been. It's just the outside that is in this never-ending transformation.

On a completely unrelated note, I've been having really messed up dreams lately. A boy on fire laying on the floor but not doing anything about it and me watching and a room that I couldn't stand up straight in... Hmm.
I need to stop reading Tess Gerritsen novels.

i cannot bleed until my dreams come true

Mother's Day was a success.
I ate sashimi. Fantastic.

I slept half the day away this afternoon and then watched Mamma Mia and Desperate Housewives with mom.
I'm trying very very hard to keep you out of my head, and yet it never fails.
You're the only thing on my mind.

Please just tell me to forget you. That might make it easier.

i am calm and reposed

I don't know if I'm going to put a picture in this one. I've spent the last few minutes looking for one, and none fit right with how I'm feeling. I'll be perfectly honest with you, I don't really know how I'm feeling right now. It's a big jumble of being semi-okay and nervous and anxious and upset and on the brink of tears and desperate and calm and stressed. It's sad that most of the things that I'm feeling are not positive. I'm trying my best to stay happy and posi, but it's hard. I never thought I'd feel this bad again.
I guess sometimes you have to fight a battle more than once to win it.

On the upside of things, I went shopping today with Brooke and Diane and bought a summer dress and an oversized tee dress. I guess I wasn't as fussy as I thought I would be about the summer dress...it's only taken me two months to find one.
And I am finally getting a few more solid ideas for my first tattoo. I want something to remind me of how far I've come and how far I can go. I want it to represent me and remind me to take one day at a time. I am still deciding on places for these ideas, but the ideas are coming to me.
Creativity is the greatest thing in the history of ever.

Otherwise, isn't it funny when you see something or read something that reminds you of exact words that someone once said to you?
"Fortune cookie crap." Yep, I still believe in it. And I bet you still rely on reason to get you through. But at the end of the day, how happy are you, really? (You know who you are.)



"In the midst of winter I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer."

desperate desires and unadmirable plans

Why do I do this to myself?

I let you get the best of me. You still have it.

Give it back.

I miss who I was before you came along.

(If this isn't going to work, then tell me straight out so I can get the fuck over you and these feelings that I've never felt before.)

don't stop, push it now

don't stop,
push it now,
and i will give it
all to you.






Not my style of photo editing, but I thought I'd try something different.
I like the Sounds. I like making skirts. I'm making a skirt.
Hi.

like a lady

Feeling lonely and lost.

Off to work I go.

gladiators

GLADIATOR HEEEEEEEEEEEELSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
got them got them got them :)

the time comes for marriages to end

It's crazy that my friends and people my age are getting married. I'm super happy for them, of course.
I just wonder how some people are so sure of someone else at this age (or at any age, for that matter) that they could get married. Mind you, I would love to get married one day. I want a family of my own. I simply have yet to find the person who I could stand to be with for that long and be that sure of.
That being said, I've always liked love a great deal.
Please send your boyfriend resumes to be considered.

would i drive a thousand miles out west to disconnect

Banana muffins are the perfect pick-me-up after heartbreak.





Oscar de la Renta.

my lungs begin to ache, but still we carry on

They say if you don't believe in something,
Then you're gonna fall for anything.
Well, I say if you believe in anything,
You've already fallen for something.

I held you so close in the palm of my hand, and I swear I felt your heart beat in time with mine.

home is where the heart is

"Home is where the heart is," I said.

"Don't get confused, darling," you replied. "Home is where you make it."

this is it

That's all I have to say.

so what if music changed my life, would it ever change my mind?

Early morning yoga, afternoon naps, movie nights in Guelph with my best friend.
Brooke is one of the greatest girls I have ever known. I love you.

I didn't get as upset today. I'm glad about that. When I started to, I slept it off. I know it's not a very productive way of dealing with how I'm feeling, but it's better being destructive.

Michael Kors' 2008 fall fashions are amazing.



No kidding. I wish I owned those, especially the second outfit.
Sigh. Expensive taste and no job does not go well together.



Why does that happen so often?

-SC

over and over and over

I cannot stop thinking, therefore I am posting once again. Expect this to happen very often through the summer. At least, until I get a job. I'm going hunting for jobs once again tomorrow after yoga. Mm, early morning yoga. So excellent. Although I'm still sore from Tuesday.

Note to self: call Foxcroft so that you can go riding on Sunday with Brooke and Sophie. It'll be good for you to get back into it.

I am only using my computer tonight until the battery runs out. Which should be in precisely nine minutes. Let's find something pretty to put in here...



Isn't it amazing how in this day and age, if we don't want or like something anymore, we simply just hit "delete".

-SC.

a failed attempt to capsulize a feeling

Myself and my three roommates got the keys to our townhouse today. I'm excited, don't think I'm not. Those girls are wonderful and the house is perfect. But I'm still contemplating leaving the university I currently attend for a different school and lifestyle.
I guess I have to stick this out for the year and see what's actually going to happen with things. Unfortunately, I already have a feeling that I'm going to be as indecisive about this as I am about buying a summer dress.

Speaking of fashion, I ordered gladiator heels today. They should be at my house in a week. I'm very stoked. And a bonus, just after I ordered the shoes, my tax return came in the mail. Now I have a way to pay for the shoes! How lovely.

On a completely different note, I don't know how, but I always manage to make mistakes. I learn from them, of course. It's just, there are so many mistakes that are out there to be made. So many, in fact, that it is truly hard to make the same mistake twice. I, however, make mistakes which are very similar to one another.
I often want to punch myself in the face/abdomen/vagina repeatedly for being so stupid.



Too late.