christian louboutin

Buy me these, please?
Mine mine mine.

oh hey.

We're both alone, but the difference is, I'm going up.
And you're going down.



Hi, my brother is sitting beside me singing the Lion King to me.
And I have coffee, and I have a tentative date on Sunday.
And I am going up to Guelph to see Eileen on Friday and hopefully start prepping my room for painting.
And I miss my best friend, but it gets easier every day (even though I still miss her like crazy).
And the sun is out.
And really, I am going up.
Where are you going?

On another note, I have decided to start saving up now to move to Paris when I'm finished school.
I have three (and possibly two extra) years to go.
If I feel the same way as I do about that city in a few years, then I'm moving out there.
If I don't, well, I'll have a shit load of money saved up to buy couture and a pair of Louboutins.

there's no glitter in the gutter

Wow. Took me fucking long enough. But I am back. I kind of went MIA for a while.. until last night.
Last night was great! Rebecca invited me to go to Che with her, Amanda, Camila, Aleks, and Kathleen and after a very very big cryfest with my mom I decided it would be good for me to go. I'd be lying if I said I didn't intend to get as drunk as I was. But. Then I'd be lying. And I don't lie very often.
I don't even know what the fuck I drank, but it served me well and I was pretty fucking stoked on life. Che wasn't even super packed because tons of people were at Hot Flashes. Note to self: FUCK Hot Flashes. Seriously. It's lame and it usually has shitty people and it usually has shitty music (sorry Jason Mante). Che is a way better scene and I would choose it over Hot Flashes any day of the week (thank you Christopher McNamee for the whiskey sour).
Anyway. Good night. Good talks. It made me feel like I have people who will watch out for me and that means the world to me. Thank you lovelies.

So. Edgefest! Finally. Edgefest was amazing!


The Arkells fucking rocked. I love them, and the fact that they named their album "Jackson Square". Oh Hamilton.


We missed most of the Stills because of waiting for half an hour for a bathroom, but there was this interesting hair-metaly band playing the side stage that we got to see. Dean Lickyer or something? Kind of rad.


I made cookies for the day and they got squished into a big singular ball of cookie. Win.


K-os was sweet and he freestyled all of the names of the bands playing the main stage and the Edge into a song. How nice!


Metric! Emily Haines is adorable and inspiring. She told us that if someone tells us that we can't do something, we should do it anyway because nothing is impossible. Then she proceeded to laugh maniacally and sing Stadium Love.


Then I ran over to the side stage to see the Cancer Bats. Liam took a leap of faith into the crowd. Honestly. I think he cleared like seven feet. NUTS.


People were mud wrestling. By the end of the day, there was no grass left. At all.


Alexisonfire was fantastic as usual and I was impressed that they didn't play a lot of their new stuff. I think they only played Young Cardinals and Old Crows? It got me stoked though because I love the old tunes! Unfortunately they did not play Get Fighted and I totally wish they did.


We wore ponchos because it pissed rain. Hi siblings.


THEN IT WAS AFI AFI AFI TIMEEEEE. I was so, so, so excited. I was second row from the front with Sam and I was so excited while waiting that I almost vomited I was so excited. I can't believe I saw AFI! Steven took lots of pictures for me so I could go up close and freak out without breaking things, and this was the greatest shot. Best picture of the day. Thank you brother!! I love you. AND AFI. It was the best forty minutes of my life and I can die happy now.


Then I met up with my dear Scott and he got me backstage! I met a bunch of people. It was cool! Thank you Scott :)


We watched Billy Talent from the stage. Greatest end to the greatest (wettest, muddiest, most disgusting) day!




Fin.

your sins into me

Stories and photos from the ever-muddy Edgefest up soon!

i'll be damned if i am going out, i will not go out that way

Without you I don't sleep, just dream.

I like sunshine.
Tomorrow I go to EdgeFest and I am so, so excited.
I get to see AFI, FINALLY, after all these years.
Honestly, I swear that if it wasn't for AFI, I wouldn't have gotten through my teenage years.
I still remember the first time I heard a song by AFI.
It was A Winter's Tale off the 2001 Warped Tour Compilation.
I was eleven, and I fell in love.
And AFI was there through everything I went through.
I owe everything to them.
I owe them my life.
And I hope that if they ever feel like giving up on their music, that they can somehow know that they have given this girl and many other people the greatest gift of all: hope.

in your eyes i lost my place

Boyfriend potentials:
If you do not have a job or are not actively looking for a job, forget it.
If you do not have dreams, forget it.
If you don't have family values, forget it.
If you don't believe in something and are not willing to be flexible to my beliefs, forget it.
If you are not respectful, forget it.
If you do not want to meet my family, forget it.

That being said, I no longer date deadbeats.

this is the last straw

I bought a pair of running shoes last night to start running with my mom.
I know, I know. What the hell happened? I hate running, I really do. But my mom needs some support in this and voila, there I am.
To redeem myself, I bought a pair of Steve Madden wedges. They're gorgeous. And they were only $45.
Now I must stop buying until I get a job.
Anyone have work for me?

By the way, fuck you.



So do I, Ellen. So do I.

i should be leaving

I want to say I'm over you.
I want to say I don't care.
That I'm still smiling.
That I'm still strong.
To be honest, I'm falling apart.
I have never fallen for someone that fast.
I thought I'd be safe.
I thought you felt the same way.
But it changed for you.
It hasn't changed for me.
And somehow, I knew that the last time you kissed me, was the last time you'd ever kiss me.



(I hope you think of me, but most of all, I hope that when you think of me, you constantly wonder what it would be like if you didn't let the best thing in your life go. Because that's what I would have been. I gave you everything I had, and I was ready to give more. Too bad you missed out on that. I'm sorry...but I'm not that kind of sorry.)

they're gonna eat you alive

You constantly let me down.

I wish I could find where I'm supposed to be, because this sure as hell doesn't feel right.
I just don't want to be another person who is stuck in this small town for the rest of her life.
I love home, but it doesn't feel like home anymore.
I need to find a new place to call home.
I know I'm dreaming big when I say I want to live in Paris, France.
But really, I can't get that city out of my head.
Or my heart, for that matter.
It was the first thing I have ever fallen so completely in love with the moment I saw it.
I just don't feel like I'm in the place I'm supposed to be.
I don't get along with anyone in this town.
I feel completely cut off and I want to be somewhere else where I don't constantly feel that.
It drags me down so much to feel like this.
It's draining, and I'm always tired.
I need a change of scenery, and maybe crossing an ocean is just the prescription I need.

where are we

It's only just hitting me. Now. After another eight months.
Did I make a mistake?
Or do I just miss the idea of what we were?



It's hard to hold onto something that was never yours to hold onto in the first place.

this is the way i deal with you, so deal with it

I am sick and it is not fun. I'm just trying to keep moving around as much as possible because that usually makes me feel better. Unfortunately I have next to no energy and every time I move I feel dizzy. Yesterday I made the horrible decision to take an Advil Cold and Sinus. Why is this horrible? Because I'm allergic to decongestants. Which means, I'm allergic to almost ALL allergy medicine as well. So I snort steroids. True story.
Anyway. I took the medicine and was like, yeah, I'll sleep the effects off, who cares? I'll be fine! Yeahhhhhhno. Not at all. I woke up for dinner and felt like I was gonna vom all over the place. So I tried eating and I couldn't because the medicine had affected me that badly. Fuck my life.
This is why it takes forever for me to get over colds! Because I can't take goddamn medicine or it makes me even worse! It's awful.

Whatever. I'm sick, that's my "I'm a huge baby" rant for the day. Oh. But because of me feeling like poop, I didn't get to go see the Reason :(
Very sad. I almost cried a little. But that could have just been my sinuses hating my eyes.

On the up side of things, my furniture is all painted and done (hopefully I don't have to do another coat cause I've already done two).
I'm also thinking of bringing facebook back. I think I'm ready. I think I might be strong enough not to be a fucking lurk and end up making myself feel awful again. At least, I hope I'm strong enough for that...

I have green tea.

fluidity of the body

I have never been you a day in my life.





I smell burning.

oh, what you say...

That you only meant well.
Well, of course you did.
Oh, what you say?
That it's all for the best.
Of course it is.
Oh, what you say?
That it's just what we need.
And you decided this.
Oh, what you say?
What did she say?

Sitting in bed, drinking tea, listening to Imogen Heap, texting a friend, holding my baby blanket, thinking about sleep, but season five of America's Next Top Model will win the sleep battle.


I can't describe how unbelievably alone I feel.

the things i've come to know

I realize now that you're not half as good as you think you are.

i know, i know, i know, i feel the same as you

Dunna nunna...
I am now the proud owner of a 100% authentic (and expensive) silk Hermes scarf. No, not HER-ME'S. It's pronounced "errh-mayze". That's right. I can wear it AND pronounce it like a pro.
Anyway, my dad bought it for my mom on his way home from Japan a few years ago and she never wears it because it's "not her style", so we were talking about it tonight and my dad said I should have it. So my mom gave it to me. Just like that! She wanted to before, but she didn't want to hurt my dad's feelings (truth be told, my dad doesn't have very good fashion sense.. neither does my grandma, come to think of it, except in purses and jackets). So I inherited it. I am so, so happy and grateful to have it. Honestly, I think that any time I'm sad, I just have to pull it out of the box and wrap it around my neck and feel the real French silk and remember that not everything is bad because, after all, I own a silk Hermes scarf.

Ugh, I don't mean to brag. I really, truly don't. I just like pretty things and they make me so happy. The best therapy for me is shopping therapy. It's sometimes even less expensive than my previous $200 sessions of cognitive behavioural therapy. Imagine that. I am very sorry if this makes you feel bad. That isn't my intention at all. One day, I will buy each and every one of you something you REALLY REALLY REALLY want (or maybe just a really adorable puppy), just so you experience the same happiness I am now.

Hmm.. what else.
Wow. This blog has actually gotten very personal since I started it. Well. I guess that happens. I'm a personal kind of gal. I spill my guts, I wear my heart on my sleeve. Honestly, if you asked me what my deepest, darkest secret was, I'd probably tell you. Just because I don't really have anything to hide. There's nothing really that would come back to bite me in the ass. I've been upset, I've been stepped on, I've been humiliated, laughed at, teased, tested, I've walked into the boys bathroom in front of people who constantly made fun of me IN HIGH SCHOOL (true story), and I've made it out alive. So really, there's nothing I have to hide.
No, I have never been to jail or killed a man with only my thumb. My index finger, however, is another story...
Kidding.

My mommy took me out for dinner tonight too, since it was only the two of us. Then we went to the bookstore and I bought the new Nylon magazine and a Sephora book. I'm so excited about both of them and I can't wait to start cracking into them (I already started the Sephora one the second I got home from the bookstore). We went for a walk and watched Desperate Housewives. We talked. We laughed. And it was nice to know that some things never change.

Mom, you are my rock. You are the reason I am still alive. You are my strength, my heart, my soul, and my home. I could be anywhere in the whole world, and if you were there, I would not feel lost. Not one little bit.
I pity anyone who does not have the kind of person my mom is to me in their life.

Now if you'll all kindly excuse me, my life is waiting...



PS: Anyone got $4000 they wanna lend me for this Hermes bicycle? Seriously now.

click

I began the long process of refinishing two large dressers and a desk for my townhouse. I sanded them all down today and filled the handle holes with wood filler. I am leaving it to dry, have to sand the holes again, drill new holes for the new handles, and clean everything again. Then I prime, then I paint, then it dries, then I put the new handles on, then I paint my room in Guelph, then I move in. And then I find a job in a salon (hopefully) and then I get some money and then I get a makeup pallet and brushes and then I get shoes.

I saw Up the other night with Dave and it was so, so good. Hilarious. And so cute. It is one of the best movies I've seen this year. And the best animated one since Ratatouille and Finding Nemo.

I went shopping with JC on Monday. It was so nice to see him again. I haven't hung out with him since March.. or two Hot Flashes ago. Speaking of Hot Flashes, fuck that noise. I left at midnight because I hated myself, hah.

I am now going to Blink 182 and Weezer.
How fantastic.



I feel better now that I'm not caring so much and thinking about you.
Peace, sucka.

sinking, feeling...

In the end, we all fall asleep completely alone.