all the lace and the skin in the shop couldn't get you off

I'm sitting in the spare room waiting for pizza to be delivered. After that I'll be going over to JC's for our first photoshoot of the Photoshoot Extravaganza Weekend. I am quite excited for this because it means I'll be doing makeup, which means I'll get a much better sense of if this is the career for me. I really hope it is because I have my heart set on going to a great school in Toronto after I'm done university. Speaking of university, I move back to Guelph in exactly a week. I am thinking of going up early in the day with mom to do a bit of cleaning, at least in the bathrooms and my room and vacuum the main floor. I still have to move my clothes up. This is terrifying, living on my own. I'll also have to get groceries... oh dear.
Anyway, my New York weekend was quite awesome. Mom and I shopped at the Walden Galleria on Thursday night when we stayed in Buffalo and I bought a new pair of jeans (BDG, hell yes), a new pair of Chucks (turquoise), and a real cute pair of bronze Steve Madden sandals. The next morning we drove to the airport and flew to New York City where we met my brother at the hotel we were staying at in Queens. Queens, let me tell you, is not exactly the nicest place to stay. It's about a 20 minute train ride from Penn Station in Manhattan and is filled with immigrants and failing stores and businesses. It was, however, a great way to get a cheaper hotel instead of staying at the ones right in Manhattan. Anyway, we did a lot of bus sightseeing, saw the September 11th site, the seaport, Central Park, 5th Avenue, the Fashion District, all seven floors of Macy's plus four floors of Bloomingdales, the Body World museum, a Titanic museum, SoHo and Greenwich Village. If I ever moved to New York, I would live in Greenwich Village or SoHo, hands down. The central city was too crowded, too packed with tourists, and too overwhelming for my liking. It seemed like every time I went into a one-stall bathroom, that was my only down-time. That was the only time I was completely away from people and the grandeur of the city. I have no idea how people live right in midtown Manhattan, but I suppose eventually you get used to the hustle and bustle. I would much prefer the Village.
My brother, mom, and I all had a great time nonetheless. We have a lot of good phrases from the weekend, such as "Fuck'em if they can't take a joke", "We've been in this tunnel for a long time...", and "Charlie's Brown teacher". It was nice to be able to laugh with them and be a family. Too bad my dad didn't get to come, but I somehow have a feeling that he might not have enjoyed it as much as we did. The picture I posted above is of my brother, mom, and I in Central Park on a bridge with the city in the background. How cute is that?! It has to be my favourite family photo.
Other than that, Brooke came home! I am so thankful and happy, even if it's just for a little while. I missed her more than she could even fathom. Brooke, Natalie, and I went to Subway and then saw Julie & Julia (which is very adorable and quite funny, I highly recommend it!) on Wednesday. It was just so great to see them and hang out with my old friends. It's nice to know that I have them even if we don't see each other that often.
After the movie, I went to Motown with Riley and some of his friends from school. It was an interesting experience. We both got kind of (really) awesome and danced the night away. And then we walked up to Hess and got a cab back to my place. The next day we went on an awesome walk through the trails and out to the horse farm. It was such a beautiful day and such a pleasant walk.
Anyway, I don't really know what else to say. I cleaned my house today which was a big job. I'm sore and sleepy, but excited for the shoot tonight.
Also, it still hurts, but not as much as it used to.
PS: You pose like a girl. Man the fuck up.

new york city

Englewood, up to no good. ANGLEwood, home of the protractor.

Just a small snippet of a great conversation with my brother.
Wfuckingin. (Figure that one out.)

i'm guessing you are over me, i guess it's bravery

I leave tomorrow for Buffalo, stay over night, then leave for New York City the next day.
It's kind of surreal, I didn't think this would happen any time soon even though I wanted it so, so badly. Unfortunately, I'm spending the rest of my money on this trip and desperately need a job. There's just something about mooching off my parents that I absolutely hate. They've supported me this far, I should be able to figure the rest out myself. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate it more than I could express. I've never had to suffer because I didn't have enough money, enough food, enough clothes, enough anything. I've always essentially gotten anything I wanted (which hasn't been nearly as much as I could have gotten), but I want to do this myself now. The second I get a job, no matter how petty the pay is, I'm supporting myself (other than rent and the rest of my tuition because I think my school funds are just about gone after first year). I'll make sacrifices, I'll stop buying, I'll be economical, I'll figure it out. I just don't want to rely on them for everything anymore. Too many children rely on their parents.
Other than that, I don't know. I always have these big, elaborate, elegant, profound thoughts that I want to remember but never seem to be able to. Even when I do, when I go to write it down, it doesn't come out right.
I guess something I've been meaning to talk about is this summer. It's let me down. Maybe I let it down, too. I don't know what else to do with myself. I failed at getting a job, my best friend left, my heart got broken, and some people showed me that they weren't as good and nice as I had thought. I still don't have a job, my best friend still isn't home (til the weekend, when I'll be gone), my heart still hurts far more than it should, and the people still put up the front that they're good and nice.
I just dislike it when people are so fucking see-through. It's like, don't give me that shit, I can see that fucking burger that you had for dinner being digested you're so fucking transparent. I also dislike how I accept these people for more than they really are, for their potential, not what they really are. Then again, I also dislike the way I feel most of the time.
I also REALLY dislike the word "supper". It's dinner. Shut the fuck up.

I'm lonely and kind of angry and kind of upset and I leave tomorrow and I should be excited and in a way I'm too excited to sleep which is why I'm still awake now but it's awful because I feel like crap and one person I thought I could turn to turns out that I really couldn't.
I read too much James Frey.

I'm tasting nothing but four words: "Please don't leave me."

No pants party.
Come join.

And everything stops.

I'm watching the Little Mermaid.

Hi.

at the bottom

Wait, watched you through out your bouquet
Now I think about you everyday
I'm alone now in my bed

And there's a lake and at the bottom you'll find all our friends
They don't swim cause they're all dead
We never are what we intend or invent

Cause I make little lies and then I pull them apart
Think something dark's living down in my heart
And if I wanted to die before I got old
I should have started some years ago digging that hole

Well, I carry this box to the proper place
And when I lower it down, I let you fade away
I hope that you would do this for me
I'd serve you drugs on a silver plate
If I thought it would help you get away
I hope that you would do this for me

A deer that a hunter shot in the heart
Some dogs that got hit by cars
All came to spill their guts
And we spoke about the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost
And which songs we had loved the most
And then we all turned to dirt
And dust

Some men die under the mountain just looking for gold
Some die looking for a hand to hold

Well, I carry this box to its proper place
And when I lower it down, I let you fade away
I know that you would do this for me
I'd serve you drugs on a silver plate
If I thought it would help you get away
I hope that you would do this for me

I'm slowly bringing you down from the heavenly gates
Now I'm drowning in the flood I made
Well, explain myself to me on the other side
I'll watch from Heaven when I die

Well, I carry this box to the proper place
And when I lower it down, I let you fade away
I know that you would do this for me
I'd serve you drugs on a silver plate
If I thought it would help you get away
I hope that you would do this for me

---------------

My parents had their anniversary party on Saturday. It went very well and everyone had a great time. JC came to take pictures which was good because then I had someone to hang out with. We did this thing called a "sand ceremony" for my parent's rededication and renewal of vows. My mom, dad, brother, and me all picked a jar of coloured sand and poured it into a heart-shaped jar and it made a beautiful design. It symbolizes that we're four very different people but we come together as a family. Then the minister read tributes that my parents had written each other without the other reading them, so the first time they heard the tributes to one another was during the ceremony. They were both cute, heartfelt, and funny. I think both of my parents got teary-eyed during this which made me smile. It was beautiful. Everyone showed up and seemed to have a good time and my mom was very, very happy. That's all that matters.
Unfortunately, the next day my two-day migraine turned into a full-blown fever/headache/no appetite/achey-all-over flu. It lasted til today but I am feeling much better. I think my fever has finally broken which is great, but I'm eating again and my head doesn't hurt as much and my back feels better.
Riley came over today. It was sweet. He bussed all the way from the east mountain down to Dundas just to have tea with my sick butt. I was touched, really. So we had tea and sat outside for a bit, and he showed me magic tricks, and we had more tea and watched Finding Nemo and then I drove him home so he didn't have to take the bus back. It was a good hangout, just very laid back and chill. I liked it.
On a great great great note, I am going to New York next weekend! I'm so excited. I've been bugging Mom for years and, more adamantly this summer. Since my brother is going down for work, we're staying with him at his hotel so his company can foot the bill (haha). So all we have to pay is our flight and whatever we do down there. I'm so stoked. We're going to see the Guggenheim and the MoMA... or maybe the Met! And I'm going to walk down Fifth Avenue with a coffee and a danish and eat it outside of Tiffany&Co. No joke. I'll seriously do it and get photo evidence of this. I'm just so excited, I can't wait to go!
I think that's all I have to say. Did I mention that I got my ticket to see Brand New in November? I wanted to go to both dates but could not get a ticket for the first night. Go figure, it's a Saturday. That explains it.
By the way, Brand New's new song (lyrics up there ^^) is really good. I can't wait for the album.
I like nice people, a lot.

PS: The Time Traveler's Wife comes out on Friday! :)

time

I went for tea with Anto last night. It was really nice. We had really good talks and he's so down-to-earth. We also listened to a few songs off of his band's new album and it sounds MINT. No kidding. I'm excited for the full album. There's this one song that is absolutely beautiful. Wait til you hear it. You'll smile/cry.
We also had a long talk about people and how you think you know someone but you never really fully do. Good people are capable of the nastiest things and even though that doesn't make them all-around bad people, it changes how we see them; how we love them. It changes everything.
And he told me to forget you. To move on. That it's not easy and it takes a long time but in retrospect if you waste too much time on one person who so clearly doesn't deserve it, that you end up regretting it. He said it in such a way that I believed him. That made me WANT to forget you now. I'm tired of being sad. I'm tired of not trusting people anymore and not opening up to them because I'm afraid of being fucked over again. I'm tired of wasting my life on you. Like you said, "you are nothing." You're really, truly not. Not anymore.
I'm stronger than this and even if it took another boy to convince me of it, it worked. I'm officially done, whether my heart is done or not. My head is making the decision this time. It's saying, "Go fuck yourself."
Thank you Anto.

You'd call this weather "bittersweet".



I looked over my shoulder, and I swear to God, you were there.

but you've already lost

I went to the drive-in last night with Riley. We stayed for three movies. It was nice. It was the latest I've ever stayed out. I didn't get home until 4:30 in the morning, which was kind of cool. It's amazing how much the world changes in the early hours of the morning. I forgot about that.

I went to Oma's today and it was actually a good visit. I had coffee with her and told her about the weekend and going dancing, and she told me that she and Opa used to go to dances, but Opa didn't dance. Oma loved to go though. I hope the picture I have in my head of her being beautiful and dancing is right. Or close to right. It makes me smile to think of it, to know that she had youth and happiness and above all, love. It's nice to know that she's still the same woman she was when I was younger. It's just buried very deeply behind time.

"I loved what I pretended she was - what I wanted her to be. But now I see her as she really is, and I'm too old to find someone else...I'm not really in love with her any more, but I can't break the habit. It sneaks up on you - the habit. And after all emotion is gone and logic takes over, the habit is still there. For the rest of your life. So don't you start building any habit. He's not wasting a moment thinking about you. Believe me. And you have to stop thinking about him."

weekend world

Earlier in the week: Guelph and saw EILEEN :D (ily), saw Oma (not good..), photoshoot with JC for FailSafe (all very nice boys, yay!) and did some studio shots myself as well. I'm excited to see them! Then...
Friday: a little drunk, went out to Che with Riley (who did not drink and drove instead) and it was delightful. I saw Rebecca Raine and she cut her hair all off and it looks fabulous! It was a good night.
Saturday: painted doors outside for hours and hours, hated the sun for much of it. Went to Riley's, Riley got drunk, I drove. We hit up Frat House and Anto was there! Dancing with Becky France :) (cute girl, jeeeeez). Then went to Che (bad dj and crowd, ugh), then went to Riley's friend's apartment to hang out for a bit. Then drove Riley home and came home and slept. (Kind of upset, got let down again. Lame.)
Sunday: finished painting doors outside, showered, read, napped, grandma and grandpa came over for a visit, now parentals are making dinner. After I am going to the drive in with Riley. I've never been to the drive in and I am excited.
Tomorrow: going to Diane's for Phantom of the Opera, then out for coffee with Anto (providing somewhere with coffee is open due to holidayness).

Also, I am going to Brand New both days in November if I can get tickets. I'm so, so, so excited. I simply cannot wait. It shall be the best $82 I will ever spend. Hoorah.

Also, it doesn't hurt so much anymore, but I still think of you a lot (but not as much as I did)...(but sometimes when I close my eyes, I still see your face).

Also, talked to mom about moving to Paris when I'm done school and she's stoked for me. I am going on an exchange next year hopefully for a semester to Paris to see how I like it. So excited!

Also, I need new clothes as I gave away/threw out many of mine and am going on another clothing purge soon. If you want anything of mine, tell me now.

Also, I miss horseback riding a lot. It feels like a piece of me is missing. Maybe I can scrape together $60 and go for a lesson.

Also, without you I don't sleep, just dream...