Obviously all this blog is good for is hurting people.
This will be my last post.
If I care about you and you care about me, you'll know where to find me.
Goodbye.

free

Chugging white rum and chasing with white wine. I seriously think that if I ever taste white wine again, I'll feel sick.
But anyway, such a good night after a relatively shitty day. Rebecca, Amanda, Camila, Kathleen, Aleks -- thank you. I love you girls.
And for the first time in my life, I realized that I'm not in love with anyone. No one. I'm free. It feels so weird. I feel like I have nothing to do with my time and no one to lurk and no one to think about. My mind and time is not consumed by anyone in particular other than...friends and family and school and what I'm going to eat for dinner.
It feels nice. I think I'm going to keep it this way for a while.
I'm a kid. Let's have fun.

The world before me. The wall behind me. I don't know which side I'm on, but it's the right one for me. I'll take my time now. I'll sing my heart out. Now I know the strings that held me down have come undone, I'm on my way. This isn't the first time I've been to this place, but it's the last time I'll be afraid of anything. And so the next time you look at my face, know it's the last time you'll ever get to question me on my broken legs.

are you not impressed?

Through everything, the good and the bad, my boys in AFI have been there for me.
I can't explain how thankful I am for them and for what they do.
Davey, Jade, Adam, Hunter -- you saved me.
I fully believe that if it wasn't for you, I would not be here today.
You are part of me and I am proud of everything you do.
When I put on an AFI album, turn it up 40 notches, and sit there in the talent, that's when I know everything is going to be okay.
And anything is possible.
And I am safe.
Boys, you are the true loves of my life.
Thank you.
I love you.



pull the top down, use your knees to drive. i'll make it worth your while, just let me taste the sky. you pressed your mouth on mine and fed me a star and said we can never truly know who we are. know who we are. with the lights out and the night inside, the broken radio was playing suicide. i felt myself falling, i confess to you. i saw a body, you said you'd seen a few. this night has only just begun. if there's discretion that you've abandoned now's the time. we'll burn to best the morning's sun. go grab your bag, i'll bring the gun, the gun. keep the top down, use your knees to drive. i'll hide these words, they're only yours to find. you pressed your mouth on mine and said, they'd call us stars, then said we never can truly know who we are. this night has only just begun. if there's discretion that you've not abandoned now's the time. we'll burn to best the morning sun. go grab your bag, i'll bring the gun. everything was burning bright, everyone was frightened. you said, "stay strong". everybody knowing that what we'd invited still remains when we're gone. this night has only just begun. if there's discretion now's the time. we'll burn to best the morning's sun. go grab your bag, i'll bring the gun, oh.

nicest thing

five days after black and red collide.
the motion sickness past, i'll be the first to stand.
behind that weathered door, i thought it would be safest.
my head is dizzy now, i thought we'd overcome.
we might not make it home tonight.
crawling on the ash, she's pitiful.
she lost her sense of light; she has to hold my hand.
had i known we might be two kids without their jackets
my fear would come alive, i wouldn't love her now.
she might not make it home tonight.
get up.
get up.
get up.



-----



I relive it, the way you looked at me, the way you waited.
The way you told me to keep warm and how badly that broke both our hearts.
You knocked on the door to my heart.
I tried to answer.
And I can't tell if it's because I was afraid, or because I got lost along the way, but I never opened the door.
I couldn't leave you on the doorstep, freezing.
But I couldn't open the door.
So I did what I knew: I sent you away.

You were my shoulder to cry on, and now you're gone when I need you the most.

i love uma thurman

fallen

heaven bend to take my hand, and lead me through the fire.
be the long awaited answer to a long and painful fight.
truth be told, i've tried my best, but somewhere along the way i got caught up in all there was to offer.
and the cost was so much more than i could bear.
though i've tried, i've fallen. i have sunk so low.
i have messed up. better i should know.
so don't come around here, and tell me i told you so...
we all begin with good intent; love was raw and young.
we believed that we could change ourselves, the past could be undone.
but we carry on our backs the burden time always reveals.
the lonely light of morning.
the wound that would not heal.
it's the bitter taste of losing everything that i have held so dear.
i've fallen. i have sunk so low.
i have messed up, better i should know.
so don't come around here, and tell me i told you so...
heaven bend to take my hand, nowhere left to turn.
i'm lost to those i thought were friends, to everyone i know.
oh, they turn their heads, embarrassed, pretend that they don't see.
but it's one missed step, you'll slip before you know it.
and there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed.
though i've tried, i've fallen. i have sunk so low.
i have messed up. better i should know.
so don't come around here, and tell me i told you so...

i'm still here.

Begin again, starting from the end.
Hold onto your heart. Love again. Don't let this be it. Don't let this be the end for you.

Any sense of security is gone.

angel

I am back in Guelph and all set up with my mass amount of food, clothes, and comforting things from home.

But enough about that. I want to dedicate this post to Brooke.
Girl, you are my best friend. There is no one else I'd rather have beside me at all times. You deserve so much more than you get and have. You deserve the world. I don't know who or what or where I'd be without you. You kept me sane through some of the hardest years of my life and have never left me alone. You're just about the only one. You're a strong girl, and I say fuck what the cynics say: you have the biggest heart out of anyone I know.
All I can say is that I love you. You light up my life. And thanks for keeping an eye on me when I get too drunk :)

<3

They're playing our song. They're playing our song. Can you see the lights? Can you hear the hum of our song? I hope they get it right. I hope we dance tonight before we get it wrong. And the seasons will change us new. Be the best I've known and you know me. I could not be stuck on you if it were true. I was sleeping. My eyes were dark til you woke me and told me that opening is just the start. It was... Now I see you, til kingdom come. You're the one I want to see me for all the stupid shit I've done. Soil and six feet under, killed just like we were before you knew you'd know me. And you know me. Blooming up from the ground, three rounds and a sound like whispering. You know me. So this was our song. This was our song. I still see the lights. I can see them and the criss cross of what is true won't get to us cause you know me. I could not give up on you. And the fog of what is right won't cover us cause you know me. I could not give up a fight. Soil and six feet under, killed just like we were before you knew you'd know me. And you know me. Blooming up from the ground, three rounds and a sound like whispering, "You know me".
You know me.

karl lagerfeld

Karl Lagerfeld.
My man.

A guy and a girl can just be friends, but at one point or another, they will fall for each other. Maybe temporarily, maybe at the wrong time, maybe too late, or maybe forever.
-Dave Matthews

I confess that in 2009 I..

( ) stayed single for the whole year.
(X) made out in/on a car.
(X) kissed in the snow.
( ) celebrated Halloween.
(X) kissed in the rain.
(X) had your heart broken.
(X) broke someone else's heart.
( ) had a stalker.
(X) mooned someone.
(x) went over the minutes on your cell phone.
( ) someone questioned your sexual orientation.
( ) came out of the closet.
( ) gotten pregnant.
( ) had an abortion.
(X) had/have a relationship with someone you'll never forget.
( ) done something you've regretted.
(X) kissed under mistletoe.
(X) painted a picture.
(X) wrote a poem.
( ) ran a mile.
( ) shopped at Hollister or Abercrombie and Fitch.
( ) posted a blog on MySpace.
(X) visited a foreign country.
( ) cut in a line of waiting people.
(X) told someone you were busy when you weren't.
(NEVER) cooked a disastrous meal.
(X) lost something/someone important to you.
( ) lied about how old you were.
( ) prank called someone.

In 2009 I...
[ ] broke a promise.
[ ] fallen out of love.
[x] lied.
[x - a lot] cried over a broken heart.
[x] disappointed someone close.
[ ] hid a secret.
[x] pretended to be happy.
[ ] slept under the stars.
[ ] kept your new years resolution.
[ ] forgot your new years resolution
[x] met someone who changed your life.
[ ] met one of your idols.
[x] changed your outlook on life.
[x] sat home all day doing nothing.
[ ] pretended to be sick.
[x] left the country.
[ ] technically almost died.
[never.] given up on something/someone important to you.
[ ] lost something expensive.
[x] learned something new about yourself.
[x SHRIMP!] tried something you normally wouldn't try and liked it.
[x moar shrimp] made a change in your life.
[x :) i love you guys] found out who your true friends were.
[x] met great people.
[x] stayed up til sunrise.
[x] cried over the silliest thing.
[x] hardly ever home on weekends.
[ ] got into a car accident.
[x] had friends who were drifting away from you.
[ ] had someone close to you die.
[x] had a high cell phone bill.
[x buying groceries for yourself sucks.] spent most of your money on food.
[ ] had a fist fight.
[ ] went to the beach with your best friend(s).
[x] saw a celebrity.
[x] gotten sick.
[ ] liked more than 5 people at the same time.
[x] became closer with a lot of people.

WITH 2009 COMING TO AN END/ is over now.

2009: In The Beginning
1. Where did you go on New Year?
I stayed home.

2. Who were you with?
Myself.

3. Did you kiss anyone on New Years?
Just Jack Daniel.

4. Did you make any resolutions?
Nope.

2009: All about YOU
1. Did you change at all this year?
A lot. For the better, I think.

2. Did you dye your hair?
Always.

3. Did you get your hair cut?
Yeah, quite a few times.

4. Did you change your style?
A little bit, but I like it.

5. Were you in school?
University!

6. Did you get good grades?
I sure did!

7. Did you have a job?
Nope.

8. Did you drive?
Yessir.

9. Did anyone close to you give birth?
lolol I can't even answer this. hahahahahahaha bitch.

10. Did you move at all?
I moved my life to Guelph :)

11. Did you go on any vacations?
New York City!

12. Did you leave the country at all?
Yep.

2009: Your Love Life
1. Did you break up with anyone?
Not technically, no.

2. Did you meet anyone special?
I met a handful of really special people who have changed my life. For that, I thank them profusely.

2009: Friends & Enemies
1. Did you make any new friends?
Lots!

2. Did any of your friendships end, and how?
They just kind of faded... except for one. Because we were both bitches to each other.

3. Did you dislike anyone?
One or two people, but that's kind of a constant.

4. Did you make any new enemies?
I kind of think that some people are not very stoked on me, which sucks because I like them...but I guess I'll deal.

5. Did you resolve any fights?
I didn't really fight with anyone and the one falling out I had with someone has not been resolved.

6. Who was your closest friend?
Brooke, JC, Eileen.

7. Did you grow apart from anyone?
Yeah. I'm sorry.

8. Did you have any regrets when it comes to your friendships?
Not being a better friend. I'm sorry.

2009: Have you?
1. Had your birthday yet?
Yeah. And my 2010 one is coming up soon!

2. Kissed two or more people in the same night?
I don't believe so, haha. Unless you count going out with the girls and kissing almost all of them?

3. Been on a diet?
Er.. no, not really.

4. Pulled an all nighter?
Quite a few, and they were some of the best nights I've had in a very long time.

5. Drank Starbucks?
So fucking much Starbucks, it's ridiculous.

6. Bought something(s)?
Lots!

7. Met someone special who changed your life?
Yes :)

8. Been out of the province?
Yes.

Random
1. What are you thinking about?
My boy.

2. Does your ex hate you?
Probably not. I don't know. There might be bitter feelings or no feelings at all. I don't really know. We don't talk often. One is a good friend of mine though!

3. If you could have someone back in your life who would it be?
If any of the people who I would even potentially want back in my life were actually back in my life, I wouldn't be who I am today. I don't want that to change. I'm happy where I am. I have all I need.

4. Would you get married if you could right now?
Nope.

5. How did you feel when you woke up today?
Great.

6. Your ex shows up at your door what do you do?
1. Want your mom's book back?
2. No, I don't smoke pot, but we can get drunk! haaaah
3. What?
4. [stumbles over many words, then cries a lot, then slams the door].

7. Are you good at hiding your feelings ?
Yeah, but I figure it's not really worth it to hide them. Never be ashamed of what you're feeling. Let it out. Never apologize for how you feel.

8. Could you ever be friends with someone that broke your heart?
I would try my damnedest if I really desired that, yes.

9. If you could change your eye color would you ?
Nah, mine sort of suits me, I think.

10. Who did you last get into a big argument with?
Oh man.. I don't know. The last "big-talk-needed-to-figure-this-out" would have been with Jer.

11. Have you ever had a really big fight with a best friend?
Yeah, over the stupidest things. I'm so glad we're not in fifth grade anymore :) Love you Brookie <3

12. Do you like to have long hair or short hair?
Medium length. But I've had all types of hair.

13. Are you over the age of 25?
Nope... almost there though :( ugh ugh ugh! I don't want to get old.

14. Would you be able to tell someone you love them, even if you didn't feel it ?
No.

15. How do you currently make your money?
My savings are saving me. haaah.

16. Do you want to get married & have children one day?
Yes! I want to be a mommy so bad!

17. Which of your friends do you argue with the most?
I don't really argue with people. It's not really worth it.

18. Have you kissed anyone in the last 4 hours?
Nope.

19. How many texts are in your inbox?
133.

20. Has someone of the opposite sex ever told you they loved you?
Yes.

21. Who was your last text message from?
Jer :)

22. Have you ever kissed anyone named Mike?
Yep.

23. When was the last time you cried really, really hard?
New Years.

24. Who took your profile picture?
My Macbook. Photobooth for the win.

25. Would you rather smile over a lie or cry over the truth?
I'll take the truth at any cost.

26. What’s on your bedroom floor right now?
Carpet? hah.

27. Do you trust people too easily?
Probably. I'm naive.

28. Are you satisfied with what you currently have in life?
Yeah, I'd say so.

29. Have you ever cut class?
Hah, epitome of my life last semester.

30. Have you ever liked someone a lot older than you?
Yeahhh. Seven years.

31. If you had a baby with the last person you texted, what would the baby' s last name be?
Lol um. Let me ask. Evelyn Leila.. and for a boy, we don't know. haha

32. Last thing you ate?
Coffee.

34. How many people are you texting?
Uno.

35. Will you be in bed within twenty minutes?
Um.. no.. it's morning. Or. Afternoon. hah.

36.What is the last non-alcoholic beverage you had?
Coffee.

37. Could you ever forgive a cheater?
I did. It doesn't hurt so much anymore.

38. Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?
No!

39. Is there a girl that knows everything or almost everything about you?
Yep.

40. Where was the first time you ever kissed the last person you kissed?
My room in Guelph.

41. Have you ever made out in a public bathroom?
No.

42. Have you told anybody you loved them today?
Yep.

43. Do you make every decision as if your parents are watching?
No. I make decisions as if I was a good person :)

44. Have you ever gotten the butterflies?
Yeah.

45. Do you like to run?
I don't run as a rule.

46. Is there anyone that you care more about than yourself?
My family and my friends.

47. Do you put candy canes on your Christmas tree?
At school we did. At home, no.

48. Do you get snow where you live?
Yes, ugh.

49. Do you believe in love?
Yep.

50. This year have you ever been heartbroken?
Yeah. Hardcore.

words most used in this blog

the stars

I hate the noise the vacuum makes when you pick it up off the carpet while it's still on.


Also, I love my friends.
Also, you make me smile. Always.




I've got the stars.

happy new year

Happy New Year. I spent it at home by myself eating bruschetta, watching Office Space, reading Playing For Pizza, watching new years in Toronto, and now watching When Harry Met Sally.
Here's a bunch of random shit that you probably didn't even care to know about me:

When I sleep with another person, I hate being touched or cuddled while I fall asleep.
I cannot do simple math in my head or on paper. I find it quite impossible.
The longest I was ever in love with someone was four years.
(THIS JUST IN: Ellen Degeneres is a Cover Girl! My life is complete and I can die happy.)
I want a body wave perm, so bad, but I'm absolutely terrified that I won't know how to deal with it.
I love makeup absolutely and completely but I never wear very much.
Meeting new people is a lot of fun for me but if I'm not in the right mood it can go disastrously.
Stories of old people who have been married or in love for forever make me smile and absolutely warm my heart.
I check to make sure my mail has gone down after I close the slot.
I've never been on the phone for more than two hours.
I snore. Almost ALL THE TIME.
I don't eat any red meat and at the end of January I am cutting chicken out of my diet.
And the biggest random fact that is mattering to me right now? You.

last day of the year

feel.

think i was blind before i met you

(All I do every once in a while is think of you and what could have been.)



I wish I could write more. I wish I could write something that doesn't sound absolutely stupid, juvenile, and naive. I wish I could come straight out and tell you what I feel, what I think, what I want. I bet you don't even think of me. I bet you never think of me. But I miss the way you looked at me, the way you touched me, the way your room was our world and we were all that mattered in it.
It tears me up every time I think about you or hear about you or go by your street. I'm miles away but I can still see your house, your face, your hands. You smoking your cigarettes in the way that you do that I can only describe as "your way".
And then again, I'm beginning to forget how your voice sounds. I can see your mouth move; I remember that perfectly. But the words that come out are silent. Your eyes never fade; they're always close by in my mind with their long curling lashes and beautiful fresh blue irises.
And I wonder if you're reading this now, knowing it's you, knowing exactly how I feel. I wonder if you're missing me, loving me, wishing I was there but you're too scared to say something.
In two months, it will have been a year that I've known you. It will be a year since I first felt something for you. In three months, it will have been a year that I let you in and began loving you. And the world will continue to spin in the same way it always does. The snow will melt, the birds will return, the flowers will bloom, and we'll still be miles apart.
Please give me words, strength, integrity to forget you, to move on, to fall asleep without you in my head. Tell me something. Tell me anything. I'm content with this going either way. I've come to accept you and me for whatever it is we are.
But I still wonder what it was that we could have become.

It's naive of me to think that I can have friends.

hey there

I haven't been updating lately. I feel bad about that, but I've been so unbelievably busy.
I got my final marks two days ago and I have a 77 GPA. Hooray.
I haven't really been home since I've been off. I went to a party in Toronto with Jeremy on Sunday, a party at my place in Guelph on Monday, and then went out with BRANNDS (minus a few letters) on Tuesday. Between those days I've been sleeping like crazy. I haven't had much time to just stop and think because every time I try to "stop and think", I fall asleep. I'm exhausted.
Christmas was quite lovely. I got dishes for Guelph and Up! and money. When I was in Toronto with Jer, I bought a bunch of stuff from American Apparel, all of which I love.
I still need to buy more Daisy and some makeup, probably from MAC. And that will be my Christmas.

To be quite honest, I'm glad this semester is done. I'm glad it's almost a new year. I'm glad I saw my girls, I'm glad I went to Toronto, I'm glad my family got along on Christmas and I'm glad I'm not wasting the rest of my year on you.

the rain

I don't know how long I've been here.
The days all run together.
You're gone, but you won't disappear.
Traces of you will last forever.
It feels like, if I hold my breath you'll walk in any second,
And tell me it was all a mistake, can't believe that you left.
And it haunts me to hold you this close,
But it hurts more to let go.
That's why I'm still loving ghosts.
They say I should get on with my life,
But I can't even get up.
I'd rather believe in this beautiful lie
Than admit you're really gone forever.
Every sense is screaming.
Every hair stands on my skin.
Every room I feel it.
You are here.
Baby, I'm not seeing, but I'm still believing.
My heartbreak, a chance worth taking.
So on this floor I'll still be waiting.
And oh, I feel you this close now.
I'm still loving ghosts now.





Take a walk with me, love
You say you can't get enough
Well, you won't till you open your door and you give some more to me.
And the silence in your steps as you tiptoe round the rest.
Makes me want to pull you in and kiss you, my friend, and your silly games.
And I'm not tired.
I could chase you around and then meet you here again and again
So, tell me lies if you want to, I can take it, I wont be afraid.
'Cause I am the rain.
The rain is gentle some days.
It can clean off the mess that winter made.
The rain can wash all the years down and the tears that were shed.
So just look up please.
Shed a little bit of hope to me, oh.
And we know there's a season for all, and a season to call you my love.
And throw me off with your pride, it's okay.
I won't hide here again and again.
I'll tell you there's no mistaking the reason that I'm not afraid.
'Cause I am the rain.
The rain, it washes clean, and I know.
The rain, it washes clean and when it does, I will be right beside you, holding on, holding on.
The rain, it washes clean and and I know.
The rain, it washes clean and when it does, I will be right beside you, holding on, holding on.

ethos

Okay, so I'm not the prettiest girl.
My legs aren't long.
My nose is too big.
My jaw is too small.
My cheekbones aren't high.
My skin isn't clear.
My hands are huge.
My arms are long.
My hips are wide.
My hair is a shitty, indescribable colour.

And I'm trying to accept it.
I'm trying to be happy with what I have.
And just because you're skinny, tall, and perfect doesn't make you any better than me.

Because at the end of the day, what do you have?
Absolutely nothing.
And I have great people in my life.
I don't need anything else (especially drugs) to make my life better.
I pity you because no matter how great you look, you're not going anywhere.

vehemence

You said this city has a beating heart.

You will always leave my life only to come back into it at the most inopportune moments.





And I've gone this whole time without writing about it here, but just for the record, I can't believe you lied to us, your friends, about something that big and important.
But you know what? That's all I'm going to allow myself to write about it. Because you're not worth the words, the breath, the effort. I hope you have a great time with no good people in your life and your fat stomach.

sunrise

Sooo cloooseeeeeeeee.
Please be 2:30 so I can write this wretched exam and get the class over and done with so I never have to worry about Exekias, Andokides, Polykleitos, Praxiteles, and Lysippos EVER AGAIN.



Oh, and not failing would always be a sweet cherry on top too.

Thanks.

citadel of stars

Do you like midnight dancing soaked in fireflies, laced with moonlight, hidden in the night?
Hidden in the night, we are...
This blanket is all we have, all we'll ever need.
You ask about the future, I say this is where I want to be.
This is where I want to be

And until now, I've never touched an angel.
Until now, everything was fine.
And until now, I felt so ordinary.
Until now, I never knew that someone felt like me.
It didn't even feel like me.

I'm in the mood for searching.
I'm in the mood for candlelight.
I'd like to know your thoughts on things like God and all the rest of life.
How do you know?
Cause no one's pretty on the phone.
And no one likes to be home.
Thought I left my old self go.

And until now, I've never touched an angel.
Until now, everything was fine.
And until now, I felt so ordinary.
Until now, I never knew that someone felt like...me.

And we're miles from ordinary
Where bright lights can steal our stars
Hold me tight and sip your coffee
Then see lights dance with uncertainty




It's alright to be frightened, a little.