happy new year

Happy New Year. I spent it at home by myself eating bruschetta, watching Office Space, reading Playing For Pizza, watching new years in Toronto, and now watching When Harry Met Sally.
Here's a bunch of random shit that you probably didn't even care to know about me:

When I sleep with another person, I hate being touched or cuddled while I fall asleep.
I cannot do simple math in my head or on paper. I find it quite impossible.
The longest I was ever in love with someone was four years.
(THIS JUST IN: Ellen Degeneres is a Cover Girl! My life is complete and I can die happy.)
I want a body wave perm, so bad, but I'm absolutely terrified that I won't know how to deal with it.
I love makeup absolutely and completely but I never wear very much.
Meeting new people is a lot of fun for me but if I'm not in the right mood it can go disastrously.
Stories of old people who have been married or in love for forever make me smile and absolutely warm my heart.
I check to make sure my mail has gone down after I close the slot.
I've never been on the phone for more than two hours.
I snore. Almost ALL THE TIME.
I don't eat any red meat and at the end of January I am cutting chicken out of my diet.
And the biggest random fact that is mattering to me right now? You.

last day of the year

feel.

think i was blind before i met you

(All I do every once in a while is think of you and what could have been.)



I wish I could write more. I wish I could write something that doesn't sound absolutely stupid, juvenile, and naive. I wish I could come straight out and tell you what I feel, what I think, what I want. I bet you don't even think of me. I bet you never think of me. But I miss the way you looked at me, the way you touched me, the way your room was our world and we were all that mattered in it.
It tears me up every time I think about you or hear about you or go by your street. I'm miles away but I can still see your house, your face, your hands. You smoking your cigarettes in the way that you do that I can only describe as "your way".
And then again, I'm beginning to forget how your voice sounds. I can see your mouth move; I remember that perfectly. But the words that come out are silent. Your eyes never fade; they're always close by in my mind with their long curling lashes and beautiful fresh blue irises.
And I wonder if you're reading this now, knowing it's you, knowing exactly how I feel. I wonder if you're missing me, loving me, wishing I was there but you're too scared to say something.
In two months, it will have been a year that I've known you. It will be a year since I first felt something for you. In three months, it will have been a year that I let you in and began loving you. And the world will continue to spin in the same way it always does. The snow will melt, the birds will return, the flowers will bloom, and we'll still be miles apart.
Please give me words, strength, integrity to forget you, to move on, to fall asleep without you in my head. Tell me something. Tell me anything. I'm content with this going either way. I've come to accept you and me for whatever it is we are.
But I still wonder what it was that we could have become.

It's naive of me to think that I can have friends.

hey there

I haven't been updating lately. I feel bad about that, but I've been so unbelievably busy.
I got my final marks two days ago and I have a 77 GPA. Hooray.
I haven't really been home since I've been off. I went to a party in Toronto with Jeremy on Sunday, a party at my place in Guelph on Monday, and then went out with BRANNDS (minus a few letters) on Tuesday. Between those days I've been sleeping like crazy. I haven't had much time to just stop and think because every time I try to "stop and think", I fall asleep. I'm exhausted.
Christmas was quite lovely. I got dishes for Guelph and Up! and money. When I was in Toronto with Jer, I bought a bunch of stuff from American Apparel, all of which I love.
I still need to buy more Daisy and some makeup, probably from MAC. And that will be my Christmas.

To be quite honest, I'm glad this semester is done. I'm glad it's almost a new year. I'm glad I saw my girls, I'm glad I went to Toronto, I'm glad my family got along on Christmas and I'm glad I'm not wasting the rest of my year on you.

the rain

I don't know how long I've been here.
The days all run together.
You're gone, but you won't disappear.
Traces of you will last forever.
It feels like, if I hold my breath you'll walk in any second,
And tell me it was all a mistake, can't believe that you left.
And it haunts me to hold you this close,
But it hurts more to let go.
That's why I'm still loving ghosts.
They say I should get on with my life,
But I can't even get up.
I'd rather believe in this beautiful lie
Than admit you're really gone forever.
Every sense is screaming.
Every hair stands on my skin.
Every room I feel it.
You are here.
Baby, I'm not seeing, but I'm still believing.
My heartbreak, a chance worth taking.
So on this floor I'll still be waiting.
And oh, I feel you this close now.
I'm still loving ghosts now.





Take a walk with me, love
You say you can't get enough
Well, you won't till you open your door and you give some more to me.
And the silence in your steps as you tiptoe round the rest.
Makes me want to pull you in and kiss you, my friend, and your silly games.
And I'm not tired.
I could chase you around and then meet you here again and again
So, tell me lies if you want to, I can take it, I wont be afraid.
'Cause I am the rain.
The rain is gentle some days.
It can clean off the mess that winter made.
The rain can wash all the years down and the tears that were shed.
So just look up please.
Shed a little bit of hope to me, oh.
And we know there's a season for all, and a season to call you my love.
And throw me off with your pride, it's okay.
I won't hide here again and again.
I'll tell you there's no mistaking the reason that I'm not afraid.
'Cause I am the rain.
The rain, it washes clean, and I know.
The rain, it washes clean and when it does, I will be right beside you, holding on, holding on.
The rain, it washes clean and and I know.
The rain, it washes clean and when it does, I will be right beside you, holding on, holding on.

ethos

Okay, so I'm not the prettiest girl.
My legs aren't long.
My nose is too big.
My jaw is too small.
My cheekbones aren't high.
My skin isn't clear.
My hands are huge.
My arms are long.
My hips are wide.
My hair is a shitty, indescribable colour.

And I'm trying to accept it.
I'm trying to be happy with what I have.
And just because you're skinny, tall, and perfect doesn't make you any better than me.

Because at the end of the day, what do you have?
Absolutely nothing.
And I have great people in my life.
I don't need anything else (especially drugs) to make my life better.
I pity you because no matter how great you look, you're not going anywhere.

vehemence

You said this city has a beating heart.

You will always leave my life only to come back into it at the most inopportune moments.





And I've gone this whole time without writing about it here, but just for the record, I can't believe you lied to us, your friends, about something that big and important.
But you know what? That's all I'm going to allow myself to write about it. Because you're not worth the words, the breath, the effort. I hope you have a great time with no good people in your life and your fat stomach.

sunrise

Sooo cloooseeeeeeeee.
Please be 2:30 so I can write this wretched exam and get the class over and done with so I never have to worry about Exekias, Andokides, Polykleitos, Praxiteles, and Lysippos EVER AGAIN.



Oh, and not failing would always be a sweet cherry on top too.

Thanks.

citadel of stars

Do you like midnight dancing soaked in fireflies, laced with moonlight, hidden in the night?
Hidden in the night, we are...
This blanket is all we have, all we'll ever need.
You ask about the future, I say this is where I want to be.
This is where I want to be

And until now, I've never touched an angel.
Until now, everything was fine.
And until now, I felt so ordinary.
Until now, I never knew that someone felt like me.
It didn't even feel like me.

I'm in the mood for searching.
I'm in the mood for candlelight.
I'd like to know your thoughts on things like God and all the rest of life.
How do you know?
Cause no one's pretty on the phone.
And no one likes to be home.
Thought I left my old self go.

And until now, I've never touched an angel.
Until now, everything was fine.
And until now, I felt so ordinary.
Until now, I never knew that someone felt like...me.

And we're miles from ordinary
Where bright lights can steal our stars
Hold me tight and sip your coffee
Then see lights dance with uncertainty




It's alright to be frightened, a little.

hey bob

don't worry
be happy.

scratch that

Had a huge breakdown on the phone with mom.
Going home this weekend.
Kill me (please?).

dfoighdsofh

I can't do this anymoreee.
Please kill me, or Greek art and architecture will.
Fuck fuckity fuck fuck.

To be fair, both exams so far have been fairly easy.
I'm staying in Guelph this weekend and it will be the first time I've stayed for two weekends in a row.
I'm terrified.

I just printed 30 pages of Greek art history in bright blue ink.

Win.




I'm a neurotic mess.




Also, Givenchy.

owls are quiet, and wise

Seventeen hours of studying with the Art Tarts.
One exam out of five down.

What I've learned:
The people I go to university with are the greatest people I know.
And Fabio would be the sexiest apostle.

Medieval art history knowledge is swirling around my head.
Please kill me.
I want to vomit.

get a grip. people hate sissies.

This is bigger than you or I.

We had a lovely day today. We played at the park and skipped stones and named ducks.
You nodded knowingly. I told you everything. I spilled my soul, as hard as that was to do.
It was a long talk.
It was a long time.
I still don't know what I can give you. But I hope this is enough.

I am currently on exam lockdown.
I also have to get Christmas presents.
We have a Christmas tree at the house at school.
It's lovely.

I feel homesick.
Homesick for love.
Homesick for family.
Homesick for a home that doesn't exist anymore.

But for some reason it feels kind of okay this time.

I need to make time to shower.